Christian Clifton thinks about the impact an absent father had on his life — and finds peace in forgiveness.
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Dear Dad,
When you left I had never known you. I never learned your darkest secrets or greatest feats. You vanished, without any great show, from my life. The phantom of your presence could never fill the hole torn through my heart. I tried to stop the bleeding from that wound with many a remedy, but none could fit the jagged edges of my flesh and soul.
I know why you had to go. In moments of reason and rationality I can even sympathize with your actions, for I cannot guarantee my actions would be any nobler in similar circumstances. While I can wrap my mind around and intellectualize the most profound memory I have of you, it doesn’t bring me any close to answering the question; Why?
A relationship of passion, desires overcame you and my mother and resulted in the creation of a new being. Your other family had already commenced. Your roots held you firm in resolutions of a loving commitment and pulled you back to the one you declared love for before God and man. Though I had not yet tasted my first breath, you went away never to return.
At one moment I am able to declare you worthless and the next I am able to absolve you.
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I have ridden a rollercoaster of emotion my whole life concerning you. At one moment I am able to declare you worthless and the next I am able to absolve you. This molded me, became part of the man I am today, and built in me an emotional ocean capable of awe-inspiring serenity and bone-shaking violence. Even in absence you earned a place in my raising. The lack of tool marks does little to hide your influence on my mind and soul.
Did you feel the weight of the tears I cried for you? Did you shudder in the cold that froze my bones in the lonely nights? Did you feel the heat of anger that I cast in your direction with trembling fists and clenched teeth? Were your ears ever privy to the insults and curses shouted at the top of my lungs and the depths of my mind?
These thoughts and an infinite swirl of similar questions race through my mind regularly, but asking them to thin air is fruitless. Knowing that I am dwelling in this pit while looking for a ladder that I can never produce alone will be the end of me. So I must press onward. Instead of hoping for resolution from someone else, I must turn my focus on the one who holds ultimate responsibility for my future; myself.
To some, maybe even to you, it seems you made a mistake, but, ultimately, you made a hard decision and followed it through. Like a general who orders men to their deaths, not for some heroic mission but for a necessary one, you will be remembered not as a exalted victor but as a man who did what he thought had to be done. It might sound odd coming from me, but there is honor in making that call and living on under its shadow.
The devastation your missing touch left upon me is, indeed, powerful and still very raw, but it draws power from a singular source; me. You are not here to harm me, nor do you continue to deepen the wounds by any action or word. At times I am grateful that the opportunity was never there. The silence of your absence speaks volumes, and those volumes all share a singular message that I will carry to my grave. But your words and actions, if not kept silent, could breach my heart with unknown terrors.
So many times I have considered what it would be like to meet you, to come face to face with the man I have tried so hard to forget and replace. I contemplate endless scenarios playing out in endless ways, never knowing if I would be made whole or torn apart fully by your tangible presence. A multitude of questions races through my mind, so many that, if the moment ever came, I fear speech would leave me entirely.
If that day never comes perhaps these words will find their way to your eyes and carry with them two messages that I write earnestly;
I forgive you for your actions and want that weight lifted from you if it is a burden.
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I forgive you for your actions and want that weight lifted from you if it is a burden. My story has already been written through many chapters. A Life focused on the words of its first page will never let the pages turn freely. To that end, I want to release my own mind and, thus, release you. Even if the chains that bind you exist only within the confines of my own imagination, it is time they are removed. If there is guilt buried within you, I wish it removed, and I hope any lesions that might have festered will heal, allowing you to become a whole man again.
I am sorry I demonized you and placed you at the center of my misfortune for many years. This is a habit that most likely will persist for many more years. Without a face to look upon, to watch sink with sorrow or indifference, I fabricated arguments against your very existence and never treated you for what you really are. Your absence taught me a lesson that took me long to learn and longer to attempt to apply to myself and the world around me; you are only a man.
I wish healing myself of the wounds that slow my growth, were as easy as writing this, but it is not. I cannot promise that I will never hold another bitter thought about you. I cannot stop myself from falling into the depression and confusion that lie at the bottom of the dad-shaped hole you left. I can never cleanse myself of the effects that your decision had on my life. However, I can learn from it, accept that it is part of me, and move forward towards something better. I only hope you would do the same and wish me luck on my journey.
Sincerely,
Christian Clifton
Image: The D34n/Flickr
Being a product of a similar absent father family situation, I honestly must say that I can respect the level of courage and maturity it took for you to write this. I know for a fact that I am nowhere near that point, as far as forgiveness is concerned (and I couldn’t even imagine going so far as to wish him well on top of that.) Even though I find it hard to forgive I know that letting go will help me to move forward with my life. I have to ask man, how in the hell did you get… Read more »
To be honest I found my way to such conclusions by hitting incredibly low areas in my life. As I state there were some things that brought me to the realization that I am only a man, imperfect and quite capable of royally screwing up my entire world. It was through this that I came to imagine myself in the exact same situation that he was in, and realized that I cannot guarantee my behavior would have been any different. I would be afraid, angry with myself, and saddened deeply at hearing such news. Out of this rush of emotions… Read more »
You have no idea how very proud I am if you for having the courage to write this. I am so proud of the man you are and know that God has great plans for you. George is one who lost out by not knowing you and not being a part of your life…but you my son are such an awesome man and I know you will be the greatest dad ever. I can only say I am sorry for the pain I know this caused you and I am so blessed to be your mom! I love you with… Read more »