Dear Donald Trump, in Language You’ll Understand, You’re Fired!

I know throwing tantrums and laying on the floor kicking, and screaming has worked for you in the past. Perhaps a good spanking might have straightened you out then, but there are laws, and you will have Secret Service protection the rest of your life, so I’m just going to try talking to you.

You’ve been fired. I know you haven’t ever worked for somebody you weren’t related to. You aren’t familiar with a system not centered around nepotism, so I’ll need to explain a few things. The job you still hold for the next two months has to be extended every four years by the people that hired you; the American people. A majority of them hired you four years ago; wait, that’s not true. Even though most people voted for Hillary Clinton last year, you were still elected because of the Electoral College, which grants more power to sparsely populated states. It’s too much to cover in a short letter; think of it as Affirmative Action for white people.

The point is, Donald. You were hired four years ago, and when it came time for your quadrennial review (that means every four years, Donald), you were fired.

In most major companies, it’s the protocol that people with access to proprietary information get walked out the door immediately after being fired. It’s not personal; it’s just that the company’s needs are greater than those of the individual. A disgruntled person left in place is in a position to do great harm and provide or sell company secrets to the competition. You gave secret information to the Russians even before you got fired; imagine what you might do given notice you were being dismissed? While I’m in favor of having Federal Marshalls walk you out carrying a box of your personal items. The government allows you until noon on January 20th to leave the premises.

I hear that since you’ve been fired, you’ve gathered up the usual suspects to try to figure out a way to keep your job? Somebody should have told you earlier that Rudy Guiliani, Pam Bondi, et al. aren’t really good at their jobs. That’s why they’re working for you. I know you don’t understand how the Supreme Court works, and that’s okay, but you can’t just show up and want them to hear your case. You don’t even have a case.

You probably think because you appointed three of the justices that you have a great chance of winning? Another little secret, those people have lifetime appointments; they don’t have to do your bidding. You’ve probably convinced yourself it was even you that appointed them. It was Don McGahn, Mitch McConnell, and the Heritage Foundation. They just let you think you were in charge. Another little secret, Donald, none of them even like you. Your constant tweets and threats and acting as if the Supreme Court, senators, and the Justice Department should all bend to your will. They hate that and will be happy to see you gone. Some of them are probably part of the group that fired you.

Because you’re still on the job, there are a few things still expected of you before leaving. You do remember COVID-19, don’t you? Record numbers of cases are being reported, hospitalizations and deaths are up. The COVID-19 Task Force isn’t meeting, and you have been so busy throwing a pity party on Twitter that you aren’t paying any attention. This is one of those times to lead or get out of the way. I think we both know you aren’t much of a leader so getting out of the way is probably best for all involved.

On your last day, it’s customary for you to ride to the swearing-in ceremony with the man replacing you. I know you don’t care for Joe, and that’s okay. Dwight Eisenhower and Harry Truman didn’t even speak to each other during the ride, so precedent says not much is expected of you. If you think you won’t be civil, it’s okay if you don’t come despite the tradition. Nobody will miss you.

I don’t want to belabor the point, Donald. I want to be sure you know that if you don’t leave voluntarily on January 20th by noon, they will come to get you. Please think of how it will look for you to be dragged out, kicking and screaming while the nation looks on. What will your children think? My bad, they’ll be getting thrown out too.

Normally, an employer may say a few kind words upon your departure or provide good references to any that might inquire. We won’t be doing either of those. I’m not even going to wish you luck. Good-bye Donald, and get out!

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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