Not letting a woman read your eyes is akin to keeping her in the dark.
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Original artwork by Sudheeshna Bijjala
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When the villainous Clayton dismisses Jane’s description of Tarzan’s extraordinary gaze as a silly girlish fantasy, little does he know that Jane speaks for the many millions of women who look for sincerity and focus in the eyes of the men they talk to.
Evading a woman’s gaze—or not meeting it the right way—can set alarm bells ringing in her head.
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Some men speak with their eyes while some create distance by not looking at people. Some look at you when you aren’t looking while some look away as you look. Some flirt with their eyes, some hurt with them. Some are dismissive while others probe the depths of your heart.
As Adrian Furham writes in a 2014 article in Psychology Today, “where, when, and how we look at others are all part of the phenomenon of eye gaze, one of our most important and primitive means of communication.” Not all men refuse eye contact for the same reason, but evading a woman’s gaze—or not meeting it the right way—can set alarm bells ringing in her head.
Through personal experiences and long-term scrutiny, I have identified six categories of men who risk losing their partners or potential lovers because of lack of meaningful eye contact:
The Nonchalant
These are the ones who walk into elevators—yakking on phones to look important—and ogle women through mirrors that reflect their timidity. If you catch them in the act, don’t forget to look into their flustered eyes and smile.
The Guilt-Ridden
“Look at me when I talk to you!” is a very popular line oft repeated in melodramatic Indian movies. The aggression inherent in this command conveys the catastrophic situation the male protagonist faces. Mostly, it is an affair or a lie. Dishonest men can’t hold a woman’s gaze. Women can read them like a book, and they know it.
The Intimidated
Deeper issues might lurk in men who look away when a woman initiates a discussion. A friend in her late forties tells me she doesn’t trust men who don’t look her in the eye when she talks to them. “They may not see me as an equal partner,” she says.
It’s good to engage expressive, vocal and confident women so one knows what makes them tick—unless one doesn’t want to know—which defeats the purpose of being with them. Men who don’t wilt under the gaze of extroverted women and hold their own in debates involving anything from feminism to Donald Trump are less likely to be forgotten in a jiffy.
The Creeps
It is wrong to look elsewhere when a woman is talking to you. By elsewhere, I mean her bosom or fingers or toes or lips … you know what I mean? If you stubbornly stick to your idea of communication by glancing at other body parts, you run the risk of being thought of as a good-for-nothing wretch.
The Gawkers
There is a subtle difference between looking and staring. Staring is bad. It can make women uncomfortable and signal lack of respect or desperation. It may also make a man look absolutely maniacal. Stop staring.
The Self-Absorbed
Body language—especially eye contact—reveals a man’s interest in being with his woman. It may not be such a good idea then to admire one’s latest selfie with a gadfly when she is trying to hold your attention, unless one’s intention is to appear uninterested.
In a 2014 article in Forbes, writer Carol Ginsey Goman explains that we judge relationships by the amount of eye contact exchanged; the greater the eye contact, the closer the relationship. But for many people, disengagement can be a way of convenient communication.
Jane fell in love with Tarzan because his eyes conveyed interest. They made her feel special.
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The vitriol, love, laughter or grief on social media is a prime example of the phenomenon of being disengaged from those we respond to. Lifeless technologies become the medium whereas eyes—full of life—are relegated to the periphery. Little wonder then that online affairs often bring misunderstandings that can be fatal to relationships. A subtle frown or a bewildered stare can indicate much more than a standard emoticon. That your eyes crinkle when you laugh could make you more affable to a woman than all the online smileys in the world. Virtual interaction is devoid of the communicative power of the eyes, which is why it feels unreal at times.
Jane fell in love with Tarzan because his eyes conveyed interest. They looked at her as if she were a Goddess from another planet. They made her feel special. “I have never seen such eyes before,” Jane tells her puzzled father. If it weren’t for Tarzan’s passionate blue eyes, would Jane ever have jumped off her boat-—her gown billowing in the sea—to give up the good life in London and be with Tarzan somewhere deep in the African jungles?
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Source: 30dB.com – Eye Contact
It is not shameful (as you would like men feel) for men to prefer to avert their eyes from women when engaged in conversation with them. Why? Because, for some men, interminable eye contact is uncomfortable to them. You emphasized not making a woman uncomfortable in this article, do you also grant men the right not to feel uncomfortable? Some men want to avoid that feeling of interlocutors burning a hole through them with relentless eye contact and vice versa. Taking your eyes away from a woman here and there is not “wrong,” it is simply a prefered communication style… Read more »
Thnks for reading, Daniel. I’ll keep your views in mind next time I write. Didn’t mean to be insensitive. Take care.
thanks, dj. actually, most of those are gender-neutral too… i sometimes find that women too don’t manage to use their eyes effectively to sustain a conversation… with the advent of phones and such, it’s become real bad. because i am a woman, i wrote it that way… it’s really irritating to talk to men who stand around looking here and there. 🙂
Understand, agree. I enjoy reading your point of view, Sushi.
Thnks, DJ!!
A man that cannot look a woman in the eye does so because whether he realizes it or not, he has something about himself that he is afraid will be seen. A solid, strong, confident, good man has no such fear as he has nothing to hide. He is confident that he is a good man and actually wants that to be seen. He is also confident enough to challenge women (which so men today are so fearful of doing). Challenging does not make one a misogynist, it makes them a strong confident man that is unafraid to take people,… Read more »