Dear Men: This Is Why She Ghosted You After Just One Date

If you don’t make it past a few real dates it is because you are misrepresenting yourself in some way. Women will also not feel like they owe you a lot of courtesy because you come across as a liar. Hence, the ghosting.

It is very patriarchal to believe that it is ok to put forth a fake version of yourself in order to trick women, who are like possessions, into connection with an idealized version of you.

In 2024 that doesn’t work on anyone you want to tie your life to, even really young women will see right through it. The problem is that a lot of men do this but they don’t recognize it in themselves. They read articles with these headlines and assume that I am talking about the “other guys”. Today, I am most likely talking about you though.

These are the reasons I have not followed up after one date or if I did, I told him it wasn’t a match…

First, the easy one is he did something absurd. These men should just know that there isn’t a second date on deck, but I have found them to be the most reactive when messaged after. He showed up super late, sweaty and disheveled. He took a non-emergency phone call at the table during the date. He told me a graphic and specific past sex story. These should be easy losses to calculate.

He ranted about his ex calling her names like a narcissist or a drug addict.

He talked badly about his kids or it was clear his kids do not like him.

He overtly lied to me before the date. He was shorter, older or a much different weight than he said he was or his photos indicated. He described himself or his beliefs in a way that would get me on the date by tricking me.

He was critical and negative in general. He felt sorry for himself globally.

His boundaries with his exes or co-parent weren’t in alignment with what I am looking for.

He has female best friends that he spends solo time with and he filled the date with their personal sex and dating life stories. I always wonder how the same men would feel if I spent a first date talking about dinners and trips with a best guy friend or his personal life though.

He had strong, visceral emotions around his last break-up or his divorce. He didn’t feel emotionally clear to focus on a new person or even on a date.

He showed little real interest in me. For example, if I shared something he responded with a story about himself. He asked no follow up questions or if he did it seemed forced. He kept losing focus when I talked. This is a real swap up because I have good chat skills. I wouldn’t make it on a date with someone that didn’t seem good at conversations and hadn’t show genuine interest in me before the date.

His sexual advances felt immature and out of context for the energy of the date. Sometimes a date is sexy and sometimes it isn’t. Sexual chemistry is also developed. If you want sex without offering mutual value, off screen time, energy and attention there are women that offer that service for a fee.

We didn’t have anything in common to talk about. We could listen to each other talk about our own lives and ideas but we had no shared hobbies or common interests. I spend a lot of a date trying to find natural things to talk about. I have lots of interests that are easy ways to connect with many men. What frustrates me is when a man seemed like we had a lot in common on his profile but then on the date there isn’t much depth in what he represented.

He seemed delayed and very immature for his age. His language about relationships, life and work sounded confused and more appropriate for a guy in his 20s. He came across as that guy that drags you into a weird year or two but then “isn’t ready” his entire life. Tortured and nihilistic expires as sexy after college.

He told me all of his exes “rushed him” or “pushed him”. Again this is the guy that wants a monogamous friends with benefits, not a girlfriend, and never an equal partner. If you want that, it’s ok but you shouldn’t of told me in the chat or on your profile that you wanted a “life partner”. If you want an imaginary partner “one day” when “you are ready” then RIGHT NOW you want low commitment, flexible friends with benefits. Write that.

We are on a date today. I’ll have been dating you several months in 90 days from right now. Time is real. Women are not rushing you by being a real thing.

The life expectancy of American men is 73 years, on average, so just subtract your age from that. Shave a few years off for any current health issues you have or high risk hobbies, there you go. That’s the number you have to work with. But the last ten and any lucky bonus years will include some brain fog and weird sex. So take ten off and that’s your truly, date-able years left. Unless you are super rich, then you can add the last ten back. Breathe. Hold. Breathe.

I swear to God, I am saving the world out here.

His current schedule had extremely limited dating time. He came across as very controlling of his time and inflexible about his schedule. This is a HUGE no for me. If you don’t have physical time to even date a couple of times per week, then I can not wrap my mind around why we would keep seeing each other. Where does a relationship like that go? Why would I put my emotions into that instead of into my real life? Why would I stop dating other people? What is the benefit for me? This one indicates a world view around women that is patriarchal, so this guy isn’t really asking himself those questions about women as people.

He describes to me he is very introverted and needs to spend most of his down time gaming, watching TV, deep diving the Internet and drinking alone. I carve out nourishing alone time each day. I believe I am introverted in a balanced way. But if being around people isn’t natural and important then dating a mom with almost adult kids coming in and out of your home all the time is going to feel miserable and exhausting. Also, I would hate mostly sitting on a sofa as my main activity with a partner.

The guy didn’t feel warm. He might of been attractive and interesting but there was not warmth or kindness that I felt in a human way. He had no soul and nothing in his life that lit him up when he talked about it. I have made an exception for a few things on this list for a man that did seem very human and warm in his energy.

Can other people really connect to you? That’s pretty much the core of what anyone is looking for.

This isn’t a list of things not to do on a date.

I actually appreciate when these things happen on the first few dates. I know that I don’t want to date a guy that still does family holidays with his ex. I know that a female best friend that dishes on her dating life is out of my lane. I am 100% sure that men who aren’t secure enough to put their real height and likeness online will not be secure enough to date a woman like me. But these interactions could be avoided all together, easily.

The purpose of this article is to get you thinking: What are the women going on these dates with me expecting?

I get a little worried when I publish content like this that men will use it to love bomb women.

It is very common that a man reveals himself in an extremely disingenuous manner only after a woman gets emotionally attached. Men convince themselves that this is ok, when it isn’t. I get worried for example that men will just stop telling women about their female best friends and stop revealing how much they hate or miss their exes right away. That’s information that has saved me.

I simply want to help men take more time to prepare themselves for dating so that it’s a better experience for everyone.

If you aren’t making it past a first date then you are mis-representing yourself in some way. You are most likely matching with women that think you are more mature and available than you really are. Then they are annoyed and disappointed with you on the date. It is just that simple.

So you have two options, you can look at your inner world and your values. Are you honestly just a bad match for women (or close relationships in general) because you have addictive hobbies, a negative world view and low-bandwidth for being around people? Have you tried to move on from your last relationships but just can’t? I can help. Start with this course and then consider reaching out to me for 1–1 coaching.

or…

Represent yourself more honestly and look for women with shared values. Your daily, long term habits are your values. Not your imaginations of the perfect man you will be one day.

If you have intimate, female best friends put them in your profile photos. Show them with their arms around you in your photos. Seek out women who have lots of close guy friends in their photos. Put your real political affiliation on your profile.

Mention how limited your time is. If you can only date a few times a month, say so. Bring up your ex in the chat if you know that your new partners need to be part of your healing and processing of that relationship.

I had a man tell me he expected me to support him through his divorce healing and to give him extra patience and consideration around his feelings for his ex. It was so nice of him. That isn’t something I am available for but it is what he expected. I am glad it wasn’t a silent, confusing elephant in the room. It was the ‘thing’ I didn’t understand about why our connection had seemed at times disjointed.

Be clear, especially when you know that honesty will end the connection.

Take down the photos of you at the one concert you attended in the last five years. Put up a photo of you gaming or watching sports TV. Look for women who want to watch TV and play video games with their partners if that is honestly how you need to spend most of your time. Get a doctor to measure your barefoot height and a friend to take some daylight photos of you with no sunglasses on. Wear the clothes you wear most of the time in profile photos.

Don’t hide yourself. If it leads you to zero first dates then that isn’t losing. It’s a money and time saver! It’s also information. If any women you are remotely interested in aren’t interested in the real version of you then you have some inner work to do.