Dear Man with the Inappropriate Sexual Comments,
You’re not the first. I’ve been navigating men like you since I was 14, and a late bloomer. Your sly smile, wicked laughter, and cunning words are one of the first languages a girl learns.
The driver’s ed teacher put his fingers in the slots in the sleeves of my shirt and said, “I like your holes,” as I wanted to crawl in one. But I couldn’t because I was driving, he was my instructor, and I was 14.
The boss at the animal shelter took me for a ride in his truck and made me feel uncomfortable enough that I quit the job I’d been elated to land.
The boy named Bill drove me to the mountains and told me to, “Put out or get out.” I walked home in the dark, scared but regret free. I was in high school, maybe 16.
That was 40 years ago. Now, do not mistake my silence for innocence, ignorance, or indifference. Sometimes silence is the answer.
This is not a new dance for young ladies or women. Nor is this a new game for you, unless you’re a teenage boy still learning to navigate your masculinity.
I don’t know what words you think you’re going to come at me with that could make me dismiss my feminine knowing. You come at me because you think we’re close enough you can say anything, an incorrect assumption on your part.
I need not confront you. Been there, done that. Yet, here we are again.
Shall I tattle to an authority figure, someone who might have you rethink your ways and relationships? Someone in a position to help you and impress upon you the knowledge that some words can’t be erased. No, thanks.
This is your opportunity to speak kindly and quit whipping your d*ck out metaphorically.
Own it. Be a man who wants to be a better man and understands that speaking to women in demeaning ways may make you feel cool, hip, or powerful, but can hurt the woman you’re speaking to or about.
You speak sexually behind a woman’s back without reverence, as if she’s not your wife, girlfriend, or lover, but a plaything to brag about.
Don’t call that loyalty or love. Check your dishonor in the mirror. Decide not to be offensive. Choose respect.
I can take care of myself. I’m no longer 14 or 20, or all the ages where your words—misused as sexual innuendo without invitation or direct conversation, implicitly designed to affect me intimately, to belittle women, and elevate your precious ego—wielded power.
I am a woman. Your words do not define me; they reveal your character and level of maturity.
See, while women and girls all around the world have played dodgeball with yucky men’s verbal arrows, we’ve also witnessed and been blessed with genuine gentlemen.
Men who not only offer to carry suitcases or open doors, but also show respect in the way they speak to us and consider us. Men who aren’t trying to be perfect, yet choose to show genuine consideration.
For every inappropriate comment I’ve heard, I’ve also experienced men who pull out chairs as a natural gesture, rather than purposefully winning favor.
Men who have boundaries around sexual speak, as clearly as their business acumen.
I hope you choose to be one of them. Those men magnetize women who love and respect ourselves.
I know inappropriateness in my bones. I feel my throat tighten, shoulders tense, and my belly swirl in nausea when verbally touched by men like you lacking boundaries.
I can turn on my heels and walk away, or I can let you have it, verbally. But, if you’re not committed to being a better man, what’s the point in exerting my energy into educating you on things you shouldn’t say or do?
I’m just not that into you. I’ve spoken. Women ask you not to speak to us misogynistically or inappropriately.
You own the option to treat women the way you’d like other men to treat your mother, sister, daughter, girlfriend, or wife.
Speak words you wouldn’t be embarrassed to have repeated on a public format with your name attached.
Women know how to deflect, go deaf, flirt, or feign pleasantness. You think you’re the only one playing a game and believe yourself to be the smartest person in the room?
Women are wise to you. We have been since we were 14.
We see you, big man, as a mouse. We are the cats. Like lionesses. Many mice have become good men. They’ve drawn new lines and boundaries, considered their daughters and the patriarchal pain inflicted upon masses of women over generations.
Through time, we’ve refined and polished our feminine essence. Your shade can’t dull our shine.
However, you can join us, if you like, in a world of mutual respect, continuing communication, and sacred connection. This is where we live and where we’re invested.
Now, we turn to the good and decent men and people who welcome us to feel safe, loved, listened to, and validated as women. These good souls serve on the transformation team, a vital part of humanity’s evolution into more a peaceful, loving, kind, and honest world.
We thank them and bless them for authentic, masculine, not-afraid-to-lean-in communication. For putting down the armor of inappropriate words and humor that validate and perpetuate a patriarchal system that’s run amuck. For calling up the emotional courage required for this phase of our collective evolution.
As a woman who’s navigated the old system and carried the corrosion in my body since childhood, thank you. For giving my nervous system a break in your presence so I don’t have to swim in the stickiness of toxic masculinity and inappropriateness that always feels like one more test, one more probe of patriarchy.
Let the inappropriate comments be buried with venomous masculine posturing. Banish the inappropriate bullsh*t that isn’t really yours, but stems from a system steeped in keeping women down.
May you, man wielding ill-chosen words, drop into your heart and catch yourself next time you’re tempted to say something out of line. May we witness and honor your progress. Or not.
See, the words and actions which once threatened to break us now connect women and the those who respect and appreciate us. Goodness expands, and you’re invited.
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