This dad lies to his kids about Santa Claus but thinks the Shelf Elf folks go too far …
Dear “Elf on the Shelf” Makers:
Thank you for creating the Elf on the Shelf franchise of books, cookies, plush dolls, DVDs … etc., which enable parents such as my wife and me the privilege of paying $29.95 to deceive our children.
The Story of the Elf
As you well know, your fabricated story of the Shelf Elf asserts that he/she appears in a child’s home between Thanksgiving and Christmas as a behavioral reconnaissance scout for Santa Claus, to keep an eagle eye on the children for the “naughty and nice” list.
The Elf is supposed to change surveillance perches within the home on a daily basis to facilitate the trickery over impressible children, coupled with the admonition that the kids can NEVER touch the Elf—or the Elf will NEVER return.
This snowflake-thin flimflammery is tough enough to purport on the blossoming minds of our kids without your brazen marketing efforts that undermine the very premise of the Shelf Elf doll.
Which brings me to the purpose of this letter.
Tougher to Lie to My Kids
While companies have a right to make a profit, your doll-making company is directly undermining the very foundation of the hard-fought Christmas lies that loving parents strive and connive to maintain.
For instance, shortly after the “arrival” of our Elf (whom our girls affectionately named “Buddy”) we were shopping with the kids at a local Target store when we were stunned to see a massive end cap display with dozens of “Buddy” the Elf look-a-likes.
Questions, Questions … My Kids Want Answers!!!
Needless to say our young girls were confused about the en masse identical array of their newly beloved “Buddy” in shrink-wrapped packaging. This disconnect sparked a blizzard of questions from them:
- Why do they all look EXACTLY like “Buddy”?
- How can someone BUY an elf?
- Are these elves just dolls that somebody made?
- Does Santa know about this elfin chicanery?
- Does Santa get an illegal kickback from the apparent copyright infringement of our Elf’s likeness?
- Do you think Santa’s elves are unionized and does Santa offer them profit sharing?
Our Lies Are Stickier Than a Slobbered Candy Cane
My wife and I quickly cobbled together a “lie on the fly” to address their Elf on the Shelf questions, attesting to the fact that Santa runs a legitimate 501(c)3 non-profit organization that doesn’t receive any illegal funds, but he prefers to compensate his elfin employees with unlimited supplies of candy canes, hot cocoa, sugar plums, and figgy pudding.
Our kids were satisfied with his robust total comp package.
We built on this fib by boldly stating that it’s a well-know fact that our “Buddy” Elf just happened to be the Justin Bieber of the North Pole Elf crew, which explains why there were so many cheap knock-offs to capitalize on his elfish popularity.
Kim Jong-un to the Rescue
This dupery was further compounded by our assertion that the huge quantities of “Buddy” knock-offs can only be attributed to the godless work of Communist dictator of North Korea, Kim Jong-un, who is obviously exploiting our low-tariff-toy market in an attempt to flood our economy with these fake elf dolls, undermining the American way of life.
Needless to say, my wife and I experienced mutual “shock and awe” with the efficiency and ease of our deceptive depravity aimed at our own kids—all spurred by your shameless Shelf Elf point-of-purchase marketing.
Why Do You Do It?
Such prominent in-store displays of your elfin dolls is just one example of your marketing malfeasance. How do you expect us to maintain this charade when you systematically sell elves in bulk?
By the way, you’re not helping with your nationwide-print-advertising buys.
Specifically, the holiday newspaper circulars and Christmas catalogs that you choose to advertise in further erode the credibility of “the Elf”—forcing us to perpetuate more lies to our kids—specifically, that the Elf’s widespread appearance in newsprint across the country is nothing other than rampant paparazzi gone amok.
Apparently You Need Remedial Conspiracy Management
However, the last straw occurred with your decision to prominently include a giant four-story, helium version of the Elf on the Shelf balloon as part of the 2014 Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade.
A giant inflatable Elf? Really, are you kidding?!?
I fully understand the idea of profit maximization and seizing seasonal revenue, but come on.
Do you people have any idea how difficult it is to develop new and convincing deceptions to assuage the honest questions from our beloved children, not to mention the irreparable damage we’re causing our kids by piling on lies upon lies upon lies?
Regardless, please take better heed at designing your future marketing campaigns so we can dial back the duping of our kids.
At the very least, could you email us some talking points showcasing the very best lies you have available in support of the Elf on the Shelf blarney?
A Loving (albeit lying) Father
P.S. If you relate to even one thing is this letter—please share, tweet, like or pin it so all concerned parents can keep our holiday lying traditions alive!
Question: What lies have you told your kids?
Other Photo— the author