Did I Have to Leave My Partner to Like Him Again?

I was with my former partner for 23 years. It was a slog. Like the sound of fingernails scraping on a blackboard. Like sandpaper on my heart.

The years piled up so many violations, unacceptable and often immoral behaviors, and multiple addictions that I was left not liking him, not respecting him, and fairly contemptuous of him.

Think white male privilege and extreme cheapness, meets sugar, porn, prostitute and pot addiction. Think disengaged stoned dude who wouldn’t work or take care of the kids or lift a finger to help out at home.

But ‘nough of that.

Because now I like him again.

Because I don’t have to be with him.

I am free to just enjoy the way our long history together binds us.

It is him that I still want first and foremost to talk to when one of our young adult kids is having a tough time.

He is kinda fun to talk with. I miss that part of living with him. The daily companionship of conversation.

He always wanted to be around me. He just didn’t know how to be loving and cherishing and giving. He was too consumed with getting for himself.

Even though he knew he deserved it, he didn’t want me to kick him out. He lived in a hotel for a year while I was stuck living with his stuff. When he realized I wasn’t going to change my mind, he hopped to, found a new woman who would have him, and built a new life for himself.

That relieves the small amount of guilt I feel for ending things. I know he has someone. Because he desperately did not want to be alone. He has someone to look after him a bit, because he has a serious case of AMHS, acquired male helplessness syndrome.

I forgive him for most of his trespasses. I am still working on a few of his attempts to screw me over as much as he possibly could.

I am typically the one who reaches out to him for contact via text. I imagine he has not taken me up on my invitation to reboot as a family post-break up because of his pride in being left and because he knows I am very happy without him. But then again, maybe he treats me pretty much the same as when we were together!

I forgive myself for the arsenal of anger, resentment, hurt, pride I built up over the years, that kept him locked in my mind’s eye in a very negative light. I forgive myself for giving up and losing respect for him. I forgive myself for staying when I felt so trapped and hopeless, knowing my kids suffered. However, I am glad I stayed with him because ultimately I think it was better for my kids.

I am so much happier and hopefully he is too. I am grateful for the chance to reboot my own life.

Sometimes I miss him. And that is a wonderful feeling. A reminder that it wasn’t all bad.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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From The Good Men Project on Medium

What Does Being in Love and Loving Someone Really Mean?

My 9-Year-Old Accidentally Explained Why His Mom Divorced Me

The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex

The Internal Struggle Men Battle in Silence

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