I recently had this text conversation with a guy trying to set up a second date.
Me: Can you hang out Sunday?
Guy: Can I let you know Saturday? I’m swamped with work and might need the whole weekend to myself.
Me: That makes sense, but it seems to answer some unspoken questions that make me think it might not be a good idea after all. Do you want to hang out again?
Me, again (when he took awhile to respond): I understand if you need to rest, but I don’t have the energy for mixed signals. I appreciate honesty.
Guy: Honestly, it is way too early for this conversation, so it’s probably not a good idea.
Youch! I meant to let him know that I was looking for something serious (eventually) and that I’m not okay with being asked to wait around, but I didn’t mean to launch into a “where is this relationship going” conversation that early.
So, I have two questions:
1) Can I salvage this without coming across even more needy and dramatic?
2) What’s a lighter, less dramatic way of letting someone know you want to spend time with them while not wanting to wait around for them that won’t be so easily misinterpreted? — Wanting a Second Date
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Woah, yeah, you came on too strong, especially for planning a second date. There needn’t be any drama or accusatory tones about mixed signals to get your point across and let someone know you’re interested and that you aren’t ok with being asked to wait. This is how it could have been handled:
You: Can you hang out Sunday?
Guy: Can I let you know Saturday? I’m swamped with work and might need the whole weekend to myself.
You: Sorry to hear you’re swamped at work. Hope the rest of the week eases up a bit. I like to get my weekend plans set ahead of time, so if you’re interested, let me know if the following weekend looks better for you and we’ll go from there. Maybe we can [insert fun idea here].
Now he knows you’re definitely interested in seeing him again but not so desperate that you’ll be waiting around for his call that he’s maybe (or maybe not) available. Clearly, he’s not in any rush to see you because he’s talking about maybe “needing the whole weekend to himself,” because he’s going to be so worn out from his work week, which, I’m sorry, is f–king lame and do you even want to pursue a guy who is going to need to hibernate for an entire weekend after a busy week?
Anyway, by using my example, you put the ball in his court without martyring yourself in the least. You’ve given something of a deadline (the following weekend) and even suggested something fun to do. If he’s interested at all, he’ll let you know within a week (or less, hopefully). If not, well, you’ll certainly have your answer by the following weekend without giving him any reason to think he’s dodged a bullet.
As for trying to salvage something with this particular guy, I wouldn’t bother. It doesn’t sound like he was that interested in the first place and now he’s even less so. Learn your lesson from this mistake, don’t beat yourself up about it, and in the future don’t be so quick to accuse someone of mixed signals and breaches of honesty, especially if you’re one date in and whatever signals you’d been getting were lukewarm anyway.
Originally published on Dear Wendy and is republished on Medium.
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