In a down moment, Ty Phillips wonders if enlightenment is the antidote to sadness or a way to recognize its value and integrate it into our lives.
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“Sometimes I get sad. Not the fleeting moments of sadness we all share after saying goodbye to a friend, or after having seen a terribly sad commercial, but the sadness that comes from being overwhelmed; the type of sadness that finds us sitting alone in the dark with tears running down our faces, exhausted, and in need of a hug.
When I feel like this, I wonder to myself, did the Buddha ever get sad? Did his enlightenment end sadness or did it just free him from his human need to cling to that sadness like we do?
It’s one of those days where my plate is so full that I feel I am unable to help anyone else out, yet my email keeps filling with students and friends needing me.
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The vagaries of my life weigh on me and fiddle with the handle of my coffee cup. The coffee long since warm. The cream has separated and is cloudy and floating in spirals in the top of the glass. A lonely tear runs down my face. It’s one of those days where my plate is so full that I feel I am unable to help anyone else out, yet my email keeps filling with students and friends needing me. My text alerts keep going off, “are you there, Ty?”
I resolve that I just need five minutes, maybe ten. I walk into my study and sit on the coach, mala in hand and instead of chanting I begin to weep. I am so tired.
I am now thumbing the rudraksha seed mala that has gone through countless repetitions over the years. I am surprised that the grooves covering the seeds have not been worn flat. A tear falls partly on my thumb, partly on the mala. I wonder if it absorbs the energy I am releasing.
Did he ever cry during his pacing? Did he ever think to himself, “I just need five minutes, maybe ten”?
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I go back to wondering about the Buddha and his experience on sadness. The sutras say that every morning he would pace back and forth in front of his mat. I wonder if he was working things out. So many asking for help. So many relying on him for direction. Did he ever cry during his pacing? Did he ever think to himself, “I just need five minutes, maybe ten”?
I would have to think that he did. He did make a point after all in pointing out that he was human and that his was a possible human experience for us all. Maybe the difference was in his lack of grasping. Did he see his sadness for what it was and instead of obsessing, was he better able to see the solution? Did that solution becomes part of his 84,000 teachings?
I find solace in the honesty of Buddhist friends and teachers. They admit that they get angry. They cry. That they sometimes feel like shutting off. Maybe I am being too hard on myself. I realize now that I am holding a tissue. I hadn’t realized that I had even reached for one. I dry my eyes and blow my snotty nose. How can I use this to help my friends? My students?
This sadness is real but it need not define who I am. It need not dictate the outcome of my day and my interactions.
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I do a round of chanting. I sit silently in the dark and I let go. Probably not fully. I am sure these problems will manifest again, but I know that I am at least not clinging right now. This sadness is real but it need not define who I am. It need not dictate the outcome of my day and my interactions.
I open my first email. “I just wanted to say hi. Have been thinking about you and wanted to let you know how much you are appreciated.” I laugh to myself. The tears I am shedding now are very different. They fall and greet the smile I now have on my face. I decide to sit for a few more moments. In silence. In gratitude. I wonder if this ever happened to the Buddha.”
Photo—Lex McKee/Flickr
I have intense, intimate experience with depression. I had spells months long which were so intense I had to take medication. But now I have learned to recognize the onset of a depressive attack within minutes (it feels different than just being sad or angry). These days when I feel it coming I am able to let go of it – as the Buddhists say. It works! I recognize the feeling for what it is and do not feed it any more, do not burrow into it any more, and it passes within an hour. I will never need Prozac… Read more »