It’s late… 2:20 am late.
Sometimes things just hit you — Life is like that.
When they do, somehow, you are suddenly not as tired…
Like is like that too.
. . .
Your shiniest day might come in the middle of the night.
Year 20…
For me, I was in my 2nd year at a local FL Junior College. I remember it specifically for 2 reasons… (I’m sure there are many, many more, but for now, these will do…)
1.
There was a Humanities class unlike any other in existence, and may never exist again.
There was a staircase that led to the fourth floor, revealing a smaller space that you would believe it to be, and inside that space was a mind-expanding class like no other.
The setting was Seductive. Intimate.
Hormones and possibilities racing as the beautiful college girls I saw everywhere, and was fortunate enough to be attending with, all gathered in the same class.
Lucky me.
The teacher, gifted in his craft, a learned and intelligent scholar, well-versed and well-traveled, opened our eyes.
Eager college students, with inquisitive minds ready for expansion.
Cozy, soft light, textures, fragrances…. and I remember learning of Eastern philosophy, world culture, and Siddhartha.
Something about being on the “proper road to Enlightenment.”
The thirst for knowledge was palpable.
. . .
2.
I was on a natural high and was dating a girl I knew since middle school. I decided to go to a “real college” out of state. This was significant because she was the girl that gave me confidence, that would stand behind me, and always lift me up.
I felt confident around her.
(This is important, and if you find one of these, hang on to her.)
I didn’t.
And yet, she was not the one that got away.
The decision to leave, explore, and find new experiences was just too strong.
The opportunity to go was unlike any other.
I remember specifically how I felt when I arrived, that first year… even from the first day!!!
My confidence level knew no limits… I would chat it up with every pretty girl I saw, even the girls I normally would not have the courage to approach, with ease, poise, and such charisma… near effortless.
It carried me.
When I was growing up, I had a penchant for performance — choirs, dramas, lead roles in plays (I even fell out of a tree once dressed as a squirrel named Didymous, a long story for another day…) I played trumpet and French Horn in the band. We marched in parades, even performed in Germany and Austria before royalty. Our band was fortunate enough to be chosen to represent the US in the Vienna Music Festival in international competition. I don’t remember if we won or lost; it didn’t matter.
The opportunity to go was unlike any other.
I was well-liked and well-received.
It made me feel like I could do anything… I felt popular. Like I mattered.
It felt good.
. . .
Too many songs. Too many stories have been written, (and will always be written), about this concept:
“I want to go back, and do it all over, but can’t.”
The request is universal.
The bigger question is if you could do it all over again, would you go back to then, with what you knew then, or would you go back with what you know now?
It’s too big of a question to answer.
Something I can’t describe, that you lose sight of as you get older, and I don’t know why.
I don’t like it.
Where is that drive now?
These 2 words encapsulate my mind and disturb me to the core.
Where. Now.
Where I am now is certainly nowhere within the same universe as where I thought I would be when I was 20. Not even close. Why?
The lingering unknowable why.
Stately libraries with weathered books full of applied knowledge that contain the much sought-after answers in text are written on this subject…
Unreachable palaces constructed of countless invisible threads of logic, and truth; delicately interwoven with dreams, hopes, aspirations, as yes, even regrets have been created and stand, and will stand for all eternity in reverence, in auspicious worshsip with the one word in mind…
Why?
It’s too big of a question to answer.
Note to self: “Am I not where I want to be because of me? Or am I where I am, because of me?”
Both questions are answered with a resounding YES.
Time stands still for no one.
I wish this weren’t so.
But logic, experience, intuition, and the natural revelation of the way the universe works, tell me otherwise.
When things just came easier because you didn’t allow the small minutia of insignificant things to get you down, because they couldn’t.
You were confident. Untethered.
Cool, calm, collected.
You never had to worry about kicking down the doors, or even bother to take the time to open the doors, because THE DOORS opened for you!
That is what I miss.
THAT is what I need to find again.
The fuel that ignites passionately that gives me the boldness.
That once driven spirit now so easily dashed against the rocks of uncertainty, doubt, non-forward, non-linear thinking.
Clarity clouded.
When you feel THAT way, like nothing can stop you, because you didn’t allow it to.. then you are in control. NOT controlled by.
If only I could be that for them, for my family.
For myself.
If you feel this way, or find yourself feeling this way…
Scream it from the rooftops, maybe I’ll hear you…
or don’t ever say anything,
or do and just write about it at 2:20am like I do.
After all, sleep can wait.
Inspiration won’t.
—
This post was previously published on A Parent Is Born.
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