What’s happening here? The more we see and experience, the more we can’t seem to escape reality slapping us in our face, destroying all our hopes and dreams. You won’t be a movie star, top model, or pro-athlete. And even if you do make it, I bet my money that you’ll still realize becoming all that doesn’t equal the fantasy you had in your mind.
Disillusionment is something we encounter at a certain time in life. When we realize our dreams won’t turn into reality, and what we thought would make us happy only does so for a short while, until we go back to our baseline.
So what does this mean for the rest of your life? You likely have a good couple of years ahead, how do you get through this? And more importantly, how do you make life enjoyable again?
Let’s break this down.
Where Disillusionment Comes From
Disillusionment is often the result of experience and awareness. As children, we see the world through a lens of possibility and wonder. Life feels meaningful because we haven’t yet encountered its contradictions, repetitive patterns, and inherent randomness. But as we live, we start seeing that it’s not all we made it out to be in our imagination.
First and foremost, we all get to experience more than a few disappointing facts:
- Love isn’t always unconditional. People leave, betray, disappoint. Relationships you thought would last forever fade away. People you care about leave, cheat and lie. Even the ones that loved you in return. Humans are inherently flawed and irrational. We make mistakes, fail to see the consequences of our actions, or fall victim to others that don’t.
- Happiness isn’t forever. The excitement of a new trip, a new job, a new relationship. At first, it’s exhilarating, but there’s only so many firsts in life, and sadly, the novelty wears off quickly. And the paradox here is that the more overwhelmingly great your life is, the less you’ll have left to get excited about later on. There’s another warning here: happiness isn’t something you can catch, that‘ll be an endless chase, depleting you, tirelessly searching for the next thing, until there is nothing ‘better’ left. No more parties, and no amount of sex or drugs can make up for the void that’s left.
- Success feels empty. You accomplish something you worked hard for and you are proud of yourself, rightfully so. Unfortunately, that feeling doesn’t last. Nor would you want it to. The dopamine rush is a reward. It can’t reward you for the same thing for eternity, you wouldn’t do anything anymore. I mean why would you? You already got the reward. There’s always another goal, another challenge, another emptiness, and that’s okay. Work, strive, and accomplish, just don’t have the illusion that that will be your holy grail to happiness.
- The world isn’t fair. The last one is simple (and sad). It basically comes down to three key things we struggle to accept: the good suffer, the cruel thrive, and things don’t always happen for a reason. Plain as that. We all want the world to be fair, for justice to be served, and for people to get what’s coming to them. But that’s not how it works. Things just happen. And sometimes there is nothing we can do about that.
So, now what? That’s a rather depressing picture, I know. Should we all just give up then? Wake up daily to do the bare minimum, and wait for the end? No, I think there’s an alternative.
At first, disillusionment feels like loss, like something has been taken from you: your hopes, your dreams, and your unrealistic belief in a beautiful, orderly world. But over time, it becomes a choice. We have the power to decide if we let it make us bitter, or better.
What Disillusionment Does to You
There are several phases you go through when disillusionment finally hits you. Let me help you understand.
- Numbness & Apathy The first is numbness and apathy. You stop looking forward to the same things that once lit you up. Things that should excite you, but simply don’t. Life feels predictable and repetitive. You’ve seen it all before. You’re like a hamster in a running wheel, and there’s no way out.
- Cynicism & Detachment You stop expecting the best from people. You withdraw, seeing relationships and ambitions as pointless or temporary. The upside is people can’t disappoint you anymore. You simply don’t care. The downside? You simply don’t care,
- Questioning Everything You start asking: What’s the point? Why chase anything if it’s all going to fade? Why do anything at all when nothing excites you. There’s no drive, no motivation. It just takes effort, with zero reward. This quickly turns into an existential crisis, contemplating the meaning of life, upset with the reality of it all. The pain we inflict upon each other, the way in which we treat mother earth. Death, adversity, struggle. Why do we have to suffer through it all?
- Grief Disillusionment is a form of grief: you are mourning the world you thought existed, the person you thought you would be, and you have to come to terms with what is, and what you are right now. And it is here, in that very moment, where lies the key. This is the potential point of breakthrough.
Look around you while you are reading this. The couch you sit on, the coffee you are drinking. Now ask yourself:
How bad is it, really?
I only see two ways out from there, and both are equally good. Either the answer is that it is miserable, in which scenario you actually rather quickly have something to look forward to and work towards: to build a better future for yourself. And as a consolation prize? It can’t get much worse than this.
If your answer is that it’s not all that bad, you actually like your couch, and the coffee you’re drinking, well that’s a great starting point too. Your next step won’t lie in working towards a bigger, better future. You get to skip all that and move directly to the finale:
Learn to appreciate it.
How to Move Through It
Disillusionment is not the end, nor is it a dead end. As you can’t opt out of life just yet, I’m going to help you through. When you’re able to navigate your way through the discomfort and pain, you can find something more meaningful than the illusions you lost. You can find something that isn’t based on idle hope, or improbable dreams. You can find something real.
- Redefine Meaning
Instead of chasing highs, find fulfillment in things that last: connection, purpose, self-discovery, creation. Appreciate the simple things in life, and learn to be present. So often we take things for granted: the fact our heart beats and that the sun rises in itself are miracles. Find wonder in appreciating the things you’ve taken for granted for most of your life. It doesn’t sound as exciting as a yacht, I know, but I promise you, if you manage to do that, you’ll find a new kind of happiness that material possessions can’t bring.
- Accept Impermanence
Nothing lasts, and that’s not necessarily a bad thing. Beauty exists because of its fragility. Love matters because it can be lost. We see the one side, only because it is defined and highlighted by the other. The only reason you know what happiness feels like, is because you can compare it to misery.
- Engage with Life Anyway
Even when things feel meaningless, participate. Dress up, make plans, put effort into things. Also when you see no apparent reason to bother. Meaning is often created, rather than found. We have to put the decoration up, light the candles, and blow the balloons. Life being inherently pointless doesn’t change the fact that you get to choose between making it enjoyable or not. Withering away between four walls is definitely not going to help.
- Let Disillusionment Shape You, Not Close You
The world is flawed, yes, but don’t let that make you cold. Stay open. Stay kind. Stay curious. After going through disillusionment, you get to make the conscious decision of who you want to be, what you want to care about, and where you want to spend your energy. It’s an opportunity to reinvent yourself. And your life. From a state in which everything seems hopeless and depressing, why not change it all? There’s nothing left to lose really.
To sum it all up, there is hope. Disillusionment doesn’t have to mean defeat. It can be a wake-up call, a way of stripping away the false and discovering what’s real. Go through all the stages: depression, cynicism, anger, grief. Feel sad for yourself as much as you need to, but don’t stay there forever. One day, after you’ve processed long enough, decide that the pity party is over. Now, like a phoenix, you rise from the ashes.
Step outside into the world. It might still look the same, but how you choose to show up in it will define your experience. So, make the effort, do your hair, and who knows? There might be a whole new realm of emotions, experiences, and life waiting for you on the other side.
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