Let’s cut right to the chase. It can be hard to develop trust and intimacy in your relationships.
Sometimes it might cross your line of comfortability, and it can also feel cheesy and unnatural.
Guess what? Intimacy is not all about cuddling and leaving cute love notes on the counter for your partner to read in the morning.
It is simply closeness.
An issue arises when our definition of closeness does not match our partner’s method of bonding and connection.
The issue is also less personal to you than your attachment style. For the dismissive-avoidant, it reigns true in multiple facets of your connection style.
Let’s dig into your view of intimacy and create a process for you to connect with your partner.
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Open the door
One method for strengthening a bond with your partner is to be open about your past, present, and future.
Sharing your thoughts and emotions is a door that, once open, exposes your true self.
It can be difficult for a dismissive avoidant to be vulnerable.
For others being vulnerable feels like a release and can often relieve anxiety surrounding certain subjects.
- The opposite feeling can take over for the dismissive-avoidant.
- You can alleviate this feeling by trading off a story with your partner. Your sharing does not have to match the magnitude; it gets the ball rolling.
- Dismissive avoidants feel safe by keeping emotions and thoughts to themselves. When you see safety with your partner is when you will be able to release.
A simple practice is sharing a light-hearted story about a subject you’re comfortable with, then letting your partner share a story.
Try starting with a story about your first date. Yes, it sounds cheesy, I know. Watch what happens after the ball gets rolling. You will soon talk about your favorite characteristics, mannerisms, and how much your partner means to you.
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It takes two to tango
Dismissive avoidants value independence and space. If you have been following my writing, you know this by now.
The problem is while you see independence and alone time as a method to recharge, your partner can often see it as rejection.
It can be new to allow someone into what you perceive as personal space, but surprise, that is what a relationship is.
- Your need for space is your means to gain energy.
- You see space as a positive boost for you, so you can show up and be your best self for your partner.
- You use the time to regulate your emotions and process your thoughts.
One change you can make is to let your partner know your need for space is not an indication of your feelings for them.
Next, allow your partner to be in the same room as you for your alone time. It does not mean you have to talk and communicate, but being together is what matters.
Ditch the isolation.
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Monkey see Monkey do
While the bullet points in this article carry the same weight, I want to focus on this bullet point with a strong emphasis on the following words.
Do not ask for something you aren’t willing to do or deliver yourself.
- Dismissive avoidants value consistency.
- You also emphasize not being overly critical or having too many expectations.
- It can be stressful to bond if you are in times of disagreement.
Remember, you must be the thing you are asking your partner to be.
You can not revert to your need to shut down and isolate yourself if you are going to resolve arguments.
You can not be inconsistent in your relationship. Be willing to discuss topics, open up, and entertain your partner’s emotions while sharing yours.
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Developing intimacy in your relationship does not come automatically. It takes work.
When you enter a relationship, you think it will develop if it is the right relationship for you. That is the cliché way of thinking.
Intimacy comes in small and large packages.
It can come from simple things like meeting the needs of your partner’s love language.
It can also take internal work, like changing the behaviors of your attachment style.
You have the control to fill the void you may feel exists in your relationship.
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A quick bit about me
I am passionate about attachment theory and the dismissive-avoidant attachment style because I am one too.
A recovering one.
And one that is on his way to a secure attachment style. It won’t happen overnight for me or you, however.
It takes recognition and work.
You have to remove the behavioral instinct you developed and replace them with a newly curated version of yourself.
Is it going to feel cheesy at first, yes.
After that, it will feel healthy and you will look in the mirror and recognize the person you always knew existed.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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You may also like these posts on The Good Men Project:
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 Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box |
 The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer |
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Photo credit: Everton Vila on Unsplash
