Do it for Your Children…

I am an advocate for women leaving abuse. I have been for many years, I have no intention of spending my time doing other things. I’m known in certain circles, and it’s probably the most good I’ve done in my life.

That said, it’s an area that is difficult to navigate. Many times, a win isn’t really a win. The setbacks are devastating. If you fail a woman, it can very likely result in death. Not just her death, but the death of her children as well.

A woman I have been coaching for years, let’s call her Staci, recently communicated that her 3 daughters have cut off contact with her and her husband. They cited abuse, sexual abuse. I asked her if she knew what was taking place in the home, because there isn’t an iota of the story the daughters have told that is hard for me to believe.

Staci said that there were no signs. She was clueless. She was in disbelief. In the same breath she tells me the daughter serving as liaison was diagnosed with herpes at 3 years old. However, a DCF investigation allegedly revealed it could have been transferred via toilet seat to the child.

photo via Pexels

I have navigated situations like this before, and I have my own experience with a mother denying sexual abuse in the home. I have never seen someone so readily throw away a relationship with all of their children to stick their head in the sand as Staci was. It’s disturbing.

Yet, it’s common. The ability to look at a man you considered your partner and know that he not only beats you, he molests your children, it’s not for the faint of heart. Denial is a defense mechanism, but before you choose that path, you should know that you can’t undo what ignoring molestation does to your children.

They won’t forgive you. Nor should they.

This is the reason I advocate so diligently for women to leave their abusers. The truth is, once you have children with him, the chances of leaving him alive drop dramatically. You will most likely leave in a body bag.

The children you have and expose to your abuser will leave your home with their own trauma. They will inevitably perpetuate the cycle, either by becoming abusers, or becoming involved with abusers. This will become your legacy.

However, even after I relayed this to Staci, and assured her I haven’t forgiven my own mother 35 years later, she wasn’t swayed. Her husband dismissed the accusations as the ramblings of spoiled teenagers, although the daughters in question are in their 20’s. And she simply accepted it. She still refuses to leave him.

I realized in that moment that I cannot help her. It would be to the detriment of my own mental health to keep the line of communication open. I’ve come too far for that.

Like Staci, my mother sided with my molester. She was in court with him, denying the allegations and painting me as a liar and a slut. I was 12.

She chose him, over and over, and I cannot speak to her without feeling the sting of betrayal. So I simply don’t speak with her.

It isn’t hard to perform a Google search and see the long term effects of sexual abuse on survivors. There are a myriad of issues, and I’ve had therapy, but the worst of the memories still hide under my bed at night.

If you stay with the person hurting you and your children, you nearly guarantee they will have horrible self esteem, drug problems, anxiety, and PTSD. You are ensuring that mental health and stability will only be found post therapy, and when they reach that stage of healing, they will most likely cut all contact with you.

Just as Staci learned, your kids know you knew. There just isn’t an excuse believable enough; you knew. If they delve into the issue deeply enough, they may discover that you used them as a shield. That you sacrificed them to save yourself, and in that moment, you’ll be no different than the abuser. You’ll be just as culpable. Because you were complicit.

Abusers count on this. They know you’re reliant on them, it’s why they don’t molest the children of financially independent women who would call the authorities and leave them immediately. If you are with someone who physically, financially, or emotionally abuses you and you can’t afford to leave him, you need to strongly consider the danger your children are in and contact someone who can help you create an exit plan.

If you don’t have enough love for yourself to leave, go and look at the child you gave birth to. That you swore you would protect. You will not keep that promise by staying with an abuser. Odds are, it’s already happening. The statistics are there, read them.

800–799-SAFE in the US. Reply to author if you cannot contact The Hotline for whatever reason.

The time to leave is right now.

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This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM.

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