There’s a secret to fulfilling all of yours and your partner’s desires.
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Fellas, have you ever found yourself saying “Nah, my girl can’t do that”, or “I would never let my wife do XYZ”? Don’t feel bad, you’re not alone. My man won’t let me do anything either. Not one damn thing. Burlesque? Nope. Tattoo? Not allowed. Girls Night Out? Not a chance. That’s how it rolls in my house.
And as I once heard Aunt Esther from Sanford and Son say, “Fiiiiiiinnnneeeee with me!”
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He does not try to change me. He does not try to stifle my passions.
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He does not let me do anything because I am a grown ass woman, and he is a grown ass man, and we do not OWN each other. We are not Master and Slave, and this is not a game of “Daddy, May I.” I do not need his permission to do anything other make a big purchase from our joint checking account–and even then, it’s more a discussion than it is me asking for permission.
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He does not try to change me. He does not try to stifle my passions, or pass off insecurities as my “desperate need to be ALIVE.” He understands, appreciates, and relishes in the fact that I am my own person, capable of making my own decisions, and wise enough to regard him with respect at all times. So fellas, I ask you to remember this ONE THING as you go forth in your relationship today (or future relationships if you’re not attached):
Your lady does not need your permission to do anything, ever. EVER. I don’t know how much more clear I can be. She is a grown woman who makes a million decisions day in and day out without consulting you. If she has a desire to take a pole dancing class, or take a burlesque class, she doesn’t need to check with you first to “see if you’re okay with it.” If she wants to cut her hair or dye it purple, she doesn’t need your “okay” or your “thumbs up”. What she needs is your support.
She needs you to be her biggest, loudest, most kick ass cheerleader. She needs you to sit front and center at every single show and toss dollar after dollar at her (yes, from that joint checking account), as she shimmies, shakes, and struts across the stage. Clap the hardest. Holler the loudest. BE. HER. CHEERLEADER. Nine times out of ten, while you’re freaking out about “what people will think” or “you’re my girl, and I don’t want other guys seeing what I got,” she is thinking “I need to feel good about myself. I need to feel like a woman. I need a change. I need to feel alive, sexy, strong, confident, SOMETHING.” And if doing something you deem “unacceptable” is what does it for her, then don’t forbid it, follow her lead on it.
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When you do these things, the love flows more freely.
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Talk to her about it. Ask questions. Explore the decision with her. Get over YOUR hangup because darlin’, it ain’t about you. Your “let and allow” mentality wants to make it about you, but it’s not. She needs your support, your love, your understanding, and your trust. You give her that, you get the world. I guarantee it. And this doesn’t just apply to “risque” things–it applies to anything her heart desires.
Trust her. Love her. Support her. When you do these things, the love flows more freely, the niceties flow more freely, the sex flows more freely. When you do these things, we know you see us, and not the image you’ve created for us to be.
There is no room for let and allow in a relationship, and if you find yourself on the carousel of let and allow, get off your hangups. You just might get off, period.
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This post is republished on Medium.
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Good point. I wish women also did this to men.
Do this one thing for more sex? What? Try this instead: “do this one thing if you want your marriage to end in divorce.” Following the logic of this article, should I just cheer on my spouse if they want to have an affair? After all, I wouldn’t want to get in the way of what makes them feel alive and sexy right? I thought mature adults discussed things and came to decisions together, made mutual agreements, which sometimes involves compromise, instead of simply expecting everyone them to fall in line. That’s almost sociopathic, if you ask me. I seriously… Read more »
People have (and should have) boundaries, but the area of other person’s freedom that you occupy should be as small as possible – that’s what the article is saying. If there’s a million “don’ts” – that’s a bad thing. A few is OK, like “don’t have an affair” etc – which you communicate clearly from the start, and if any of you disagree, you part ways and search for someone else. Inventing “don’ts” on the way is just insecure.
Hi Adiba I was hard on you. Is your problem that your husband do not like that take up pole dancing and burlesque dance the real issue here? Or is it that you have lost the passion and desire for him sexually and look for ways to come “more alive again …”. The title of your article is ” do this one thing for more sex”. If you have lost interest in your husband sexually and looks for ways to turn yourself on again then , well then this debate becomes interesting. . Instead of going onstage where lots of… Read more »
Typo
What other options …
@Abida,
All I hear in this piece is I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I ,I, I, I, I, I ,I ,I, I!!!!!!
What about “we” or “us”?
Now, what if we were to “flip the script” here?…..just tell her I don’t need her permission to do jack s##t! Just be my cheerleader, regardless of what I do so that I can feel ALIVE, yada , yada, yada….?
This is not what healthy relationships are made of in my opinion.
Sorry…your name is Adiba…not Abida
Yeah… call me crazy, but something tells me you wouldn’t let this work both ways.
I was surprised to see this article was written by such a mature looking woman, with a 5 year old child. The last time I heard a girl talk like this was when I was married to a 19 year old girl (I was 20, and also not mature yet – we were much to young to be married) these are the things she said, almost verbatim, right before our marriage fell apart. Her need for “change” and “to feel alive” Led to several indiscretions, and ultimately the failure of our marriage. Now, 15 years later I am remarried to… Read more »
Your first marriage sounds exactly like my last relationship. Good to hear that you’ve found someone mature enough mentally and emotionally to help facilitate a happy life! That being said, the goal is to find someone compatible with you. If a woman needs to be a stripper to get the attention of other men, you really should have no need of this person in your life. Rather than being a cheerleader, be the realist and move on. If your attention isn’t enough for her, then she is GOING to make a choice that will hurt you at some point because… Read more »
I think I agree with Ed. And I would want my husband to save me from the embarrassment! I want a guy that I can trust to let me know when I’m acting crazy and insecure. A man who can address that and love me for who I am WITHOUT me having to go and get that attention from other men. Cuz let’s be honest: pride is a problem, and it ain’t a pretty one. A lot of times it reveals itself as insecurity.
Hi Adiba ” she needs you to sit front and center every single show and toss dollar after dollar at her (yes,from that joint checking account..”. I strongly disagree with you Adiba. I prefer a man with INTEGRITY and he express what he feels.thinks and act according to that and his values. That does not mean he control me or tell me what to do and what not to do.but he will never toss dollars after a his woman if he see this a way to express her sexuality he strongly disagree with. That is not to treat the other… Read more »
Ed, do you care to elaborate? I would love to know how it is immature to do things that make you feel good about yourself?
Ed –
Thank you for taking the time to read the article. Being that you are a man, and I am a woman, and I wrote this article, I am curious as to why you feel that way.
Absolutely! Healthy partnerships are about communication, trust and respect, and if you have those things, you don’t need to control. If you don’t have trust, good communication & respect, then you have work to do. “Allowing” or “not allowing” your partner to do things will never make up for what’s truly missing in your relationship. And Ed, I disagree with you. Grown women DO experience things like wanting to feeling alive and sexy and confident. If you disagree that it’s acceptable for them to feel this way, you’ve got work to do. If you disagree that they should fill those… Read more »
Thank you so much for reading and “getting” this article, Trish! I do think that it can be very difficult for some men to understand that as women, we sometimes need to do things strictly for our own mental well being, that have nothing to do with our partners, children, or careers – strictly for US. Giving us that space to explore that brings us closer to them, because we feel seen, heard, and understood.
This article is absurd. I have a fiancé that does do these things. She is a burlesque dancer, she has taken pole dancing lessons, and it doesn’t mean she doesn’t value my opinion. I don’t control or hold her back, I don’t force to not live, I value her opinion and what it is that she is passionate about. When she wants to do burlesque, I make time for it. I ensure we have ample time together, and I cheer her on….not in front of a bunch of other men that only care about having sex with her, but in… Read more »
I agree with this, but do keep in mind that not everyone is at a mature enough place mentally or emotionally to understand this. My ex and I ended after several years of being together because she was tired of me talking to her about how her choices and actions in life hurt me and she didn’t want to consider my feelings anymore. To her, I was a bad partner because all I wanted was for her to consider me and my feelings when she made choices, and it made her feel trapped. Yes, she was too immature for a… Read more »