What if she dumps you to meet other men, and then comes crawling back?
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This Letter to Headquarters comes from Kevin. He’s 30, from Decatur, Georgia:
Kevin writes:
Up until about 3 weeks ago, I was involved in a 3-year relationship with the woman I thought I would be marrying. Then, out of the blue, she canceled the engagement by breaking it off with me one night over the phone. When I asked her why, the only thing she would tell me was that she didn’t feel about me the way that she did at the beginning.
Basically, she said that she loved me but she was not “in love” with me anymore. The whole thing hit me from out of nowhere. I tried to get her to talk about it, and to see if there were any more details as to what happened, but she refused to tell me much more than she already had. Then finally, a few days of me pressuring her for more info made her crack. She told me to stop calling and texting her because it was over—and she wanted to move on with her life and open herself up to meeting other guys.
I was devastated, but I stopped reaching out to her after she told me that. Then, to add insult to injury, I also noticed that she had blocked me off of Twitter and had “unfriended” me on Facebook. But—just last week, right when I had made up my mind to really start to get on with my own life—out of the blue, she started calling and texting me again.
She was saying that she was sorry. She said that when she broke up with me, it was because she was confused and it was all just a big mistake. She said she wasn’t thinking clearly when she ended it, and now she wants us to get back together. But none of this sounds right to me, V.U. What do you think is going on here?
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Victory Unlimited writes:
Kevin, you say that your girl dumped you by mistake? Do you really think that’s even possible? Who does that? Seems to me like you just ran into a girl who turned out to be the “Dump Nazi”. The reason I say this is because one day she just unilaterally made a declaration to you that: “This relationship is Over. No love for you!
Now Kevin, I hope you were wearing your gas mask when your flaky ex-girlfriend lobbed that “Lame Excuse Bomb” at you, because what she threw at you to explain her actions wasn’t really an explanation at all. It was actually just a smokescreen—to blind you to what she really did. You see, in scenarios like this, whenever you hear a particular woman throw out the word “confused”, know that she’s using it as camouflage to hide behind so that she can avoid telling you what really happened.
Now I can’t be 100% sure, but I’d say that the odds are that when your girl dumped you—she wasn’t doing it to open herself up to meeting other men. It’s far more likely that she dumped you because she probably already had met another man. You see, despite what you’ve heard, most women don’t usually dump men when they’re confused. Instead, they dump men “after” they’ve already made up their minds. In fact, if I were on leave in Vegas right now, I’d bet that the lady in question had decided to bail out of the relationship a long time ago—she just finally got around to telling yo’ ass about it, recently.
Women who are in long-term relationships with guys don’t generally make major relationship-ending decisions on a whim. No, to the contrary: Their moves are instead very deliberate and very well planned. She probably got bored with you, met a guy that she thought was the BBD (Bigger Better Deal), and then eventually decided to bail out on you. Then what sometimes happens in scenarios like this is that the relationship with the guys that women leave you for don’t work out. Or worse, those guys end up rejecting those women—and that’s when they come running back to you. Most of the time, old girlfriends start trying to get back with you not because they were confused or because they suddenly realized that they love you. No, they probably come running back to you because they think of you as safe, convenient, and desperate to have them back.
Now, you can do what you want. Make any decision that you think is best, but I’m here to tell you that if she could end the relationship once without warning and without provocation—then you know that she could just as easily do it again. Also, don’t minimize how merciless she was when she cut you loose. No sympathy, no explanation, and no real consideration for you at all. Then, on top of that, she blocked you off of all her social media sites as if “you” were the bad guy, or as if “you” no longer existed—like you were dead to her. Ask yourself, Kevin:
Is it wise to take a woman who would treat you this way back into your life on such a close, intimate level?
Understand that as subtle and indirect as most women like to engage in relationship dynamics, you better believe that whenever they do come out and boldly “announce” that they want to break up with you—they usually mean it. Your girl wasn’t confused. You were the only one confused here. You obviously got her confused with a woman who was still really into you.
Here are a three relationship strategies that you should start to live by from this point on:
Number One
If you’ve been a good man in a relationship, never try to keep a woman that wants to leave you. Just let her go.
Number Two
Never take back a woman that has already clearly shown you once before that she doesn’t see your value—and has no fear of losing you.
Number Three
Whenever you see that a relationship is ending, always try to walk away while you’ve still got your self-respect. Because sometimes, when a woman breaks it off with you, your self-respect may be the only thing that you still have that you can walk away with.
Soldier on.
Victory Unlimited
More from the Victory Unlimited Show, original post available here.
Photo: License Some rights reserved by missteee
Here are a list of reasons why women dump Nice guys : 1. Biological makeup: Women were hard wired to prefer the strong, dominant and confident man. Now because being needy might a give false indication that a person is helpless and weak most women will be turned off by the needy man. 2. Supply and demand: Women find men more attractive when they find that other women like them as well. In other words the more demanded you are the more attractive you appear to be. Now when you become very nice to a woman she might think that… Read more »
My boyfriend and i had been dating for five years, we were very happy together, but recently he started complaining that i was getting fat, he humiliated me in front of my friends, anywhere we go he say awful things about me, his love for me was lost, all i see was hatred, he automatically turn from good to bad, he no longer eat at home, he always come home late, he don’t even listen to me, and does not even take me out as it was some time ago. i was so confused and frustrated, i tried balance my… Read more »
Dump her and be happy doing so; most unhappy marriages are as a result of one of the spouses refusing to see problems long before hey marry. And no woman is so good as to torture you mentally, there will always be some one better – and not just one
Kevin, Whether or not you want to take her back is your choice. She might be sincere, she might not be. That being said, I am pretty sure she left for someone else. All the signs were probably there, but you missed them. Be honest with yourself. It didn’t come completely out of the blue. Before she dumped you she probably: -started nitpicking you/finding fault with you like she hadn’t before -became difficult to get in contact with or spent more time away from you -loss of sexual interest in you (I know because I’ve had guys do this to… Read more »
Kevin there’s an old saying, Don’t look back. This is a toxic woman who did not get confused or make a mistake. She made a decision. A mistake is a choice made between alternatives from which you sincerely believed was the best and later discovered was a mistake. A decision is a volitional choice made regardless of knowing the variables that inform foreknowledge of right and wrong. Sure there are many women who will rationalize what this evil woman did to you and hand you a lot of stuff about how women sometimes really get confused and sometimes need time… Read more »
VU … GREAT ADVICE. Ill pass this article to the guys. They need to hear what VU had to say. We are getting tired of the drama queens out there, that think the world needs to stop while they go thru their psycho analysis enlightenment phase. We are also tired of putting our lives on hold while these type of women try to figure out … if they are coming or going. Ive had several of my buddies go thru this with their women here in LA. We are realizing LA women are particularly falling into this category of ….… Read more »
@Hans,
“We are getting tired of the drama queens out there, that think the world needs to stop while they go thru their psycho analysis enlightenment phase.”
It’s not just the drama queens.
Wow! This article and the responses to it are probably the best in a LONG time. GMP, bring us more!
I can’t understand why anyone is defending this behaviour as “sometimes women change their minds and you have to accept that.” Regardless of gender, this is shitty behaviour – if Kevin was a friend of mine, I would be urging him to stay away, regardless of my friend’s gender, or the gender of their partner. If she had come back with an self-reflective and insightful essay (3000 words) or presentation (20 minutes), explaining clearly and honestly why she had walked away, what had led up to the decision, what had happened in between… If she’d done that, straight up and… Read more »
@Rich,
Ditto!!!!
This woman clearly does not care about how Kevin feels. She lacks empathy, pure and simple (assuming there isn’t more to the story). A lack of empathy is a critical component of psychopathy.
Ok, I understand the whole “respect yourself” sort of talk in this one, but I think that none of us can really judge what is going on in the relationship from the information given. My advice to Kevin is to really get to the core of the whole thing. If you really know this woman, if you really understand why she did it, if you have a 100% honest talk with her, then you might make a better judgement. And even if there was really another man, why do you all exclude the possibility that she started to value Kevin… Read more »
IF he does …..I sure hope he asks for a pre-nup…….This itch has more than earned that extra layer of caution……if she blinks when asked for one…..well you can see how that might put a crimp in her plans.
@Victoria Sealey,
” I’d say Kevin should wait and see how committed this woman is to getting back together and then make a decision.”
Bullshit!!!!
Men are always told to wait. Wait for her to fuck all her bad boys. Wait for her to experience a bunch of different men. Blah blah blah! Wait for this and wait for that……Enough is enough!
Kevin would be an idiot to take this woman back, love or no love. If she did this to him once, she will do it again. Trust me.
@Julia Byrd By saying that Kevin should wait and see, I meant that he has to figure out if she really wants to get back together with him because she loves him or is it really an ego-boost as some people suggested. Maybe she really is a bad person who selfishly tries to use Kevin to sort out her self-esteem issues. That will show if she quickly moves on and doesn’t really put effort into making up. But maybe she is regretting what she did and is ready to do anything to save their relationship. I will say again that… Read more »
this idea of urs is simply shitty. i forgave the girl and we were back together. She took this act of mine as I DONT HAVE SELF RESPECT and she dumped me again . i regret forgiving her. these kind of people dont deserve forgiveness .
I agree that the way she broke up with Kevin…so abruptly without any real explanation, was cold and shocking. Whether there was another guy or not, this is not a kind or respectful way to end a 3 year relationship with someone you are engaged to. Even if you are no longer “in love” with someone, you can still honor what you had together by “letting them down easy” as the saying goes. I once had second thoughts and got “confused” about a guy I had dated for nearly a year. We were not engaged, but we were in a… Read more »
@Alice,
Thank you.
That’s all us men want from a lot of women. Hold other women accountable for bad and unkind behavior. Rather than burying such behavior under the guise of being ‘confused.”
Happy New Year!
Don’t you love how some women hold men in the present responsible for their bad experiences with men in their past, and expect men to understand that after putting him through an emotional wringer of uncertainty about whether he’s “good enough” even if he’s a good man that they were only, “confused.” Is it any wonder that after some women spend so much time toying with a man’s emotions he eventually realizes that the smart play is to withhold his full emotions in the next relationship or even the relationship he has with a woman after she has kept him… Read more »
POW!!!!! 1 and done son!!
Dumpee
Wow, this discussion has gotten pretty serious, and I agree that it should be taken seriously for the most part. We’re all individuals, as are our relationships, and I do my damnedest to remember that, though it’s not always easy. Are there some commonalities across “almost everyone”, at least within one gender? The profession of psychology is counting on it. The profession of stand-up comedy thrives on the notion! Here’s a little Chris Rock take on the differences between men and women in relationships . . . warning, it’s pretty raunchy. I posted this once before, in a similar discussion… Read more »
Whoa! What’s going on here? As a woman, I thought this was a great article and the advice that VU gave was dead on. He gave women credit for being able to make rational decisions, and a bunch of women are in here arguing the case for acting irrationally. Why are there so many commenters (mostly women) getting their panties in a wad over the idea that a woman can be less than perfect in how she treats a man in a relationship? I imagine it’s because some of you have been guilty of the same type of crappy, selfish,… Read more »
@Shelly No Dat, Thanks for your great commentary. Yes, GMP does indeed need more fire and testosterone on this site. It is dominated by not good men but the politically correct. Anyone, especially a man who dare, to criticize women in a significant way is immediately demonized as a misogynist! I am really shocked the Editors decided to publish your remarks. I have been on this site for about two years. I have been relentless in speaking truth about many (not all) women and their conduct. Time and time again all I have ever heard were a stream of excuses… Read more »
@Julia Byrd
What would be more fire and testosterone, Jules? Criticizing women? Why should women as a whole be criticized because some woman out there hurt a man? Has there never been a man who hurt a woman? Has there never been a man who cheated on a woman? Has there never been a man who dumped a woman? There are simply people who mistreat their partners and it has nothing to do with their gender.
@Victoria Sealey, Of course men have hurt, cheated on, and dumped women. Happens every day I am sure. The issue is just so few women take responsibility for their actions! It is always as if, “the devil made me do it!” All most men want is for women to just come clean about why they engage in some of the silly things they do. That’s it!!!! It just seems as if too many women have to engage in this giant mind-fucking exercise to justify their behavior. As a commenter (ogwriter) once remarked here on GMP, “Hell if you want to… Read more »
Thank you V.U., straight on the best advice I’ve heard here, and thank you Shelly No Dat. I truly wish more women saw things the way you do!
Why in hell would a man in todays “family court era” ever risk having kids with such a woman? He should run, run far, run fast and run long…… Just imagine what he’d be going through if this happened after they had kids.
No…… Don’t ever allow this type person back in your life…….She burned all her bridges, let her drown on her own in the rising tide of years and tears.
@trey1963,
Hey Bro!
Kevin needs to develop a hard heart of this one.
His dignity and honor are at stake here. There must be no compromise. No weakness.
Happy New Year!
VICTORY UNLIMITED I think this article is a lot a crap. And what is being said here about woman is silly and stupid. Period . Talk with old persons that has a life long relationship or marriage . Did some of them have episodes during that life time that was like a total break ? Yes,many of them had,but love and compassion was stronger than the feelings and need for revenge. My family has histories like that. Sometime the man take a woman back,sometimes the woman takes the man back. If you love a person , that love does not… Read more »
@Iben, Hello Iben! You state, “If you love a person , that love does not go away simply because the other does stupid things.” Then where is any kind of personal responsibility Iben? Where is the accountability Iben? Whether you love someone or not, sometimes their “stupid things’ are simply too much! Your ex husband was into porn etc… you said. You resented that you stated. Did you love him? Why did you NOT just ignore all his crap in the name of love? I am not trying to personally insult you or single you out. Forgive me if you… Read more »
I have broken off relationships just because they were not fulfilling anymore and stayed single for a while after. Not every women break it off because there is another man, that has never been my case. But when I do there is no game or hesitation, I knew the relationship will not go anywhere and it was better to just let go. I have nor will ask a man to get back to me after breaking off. Most of the time I just feel overwhelmed and just need to be alone. Please if you want to help men and stop… Read more »
man, FUCK THAT PERSON.
Block her on-line, block her number, stay as far away from her as possible. She is looking for a quick self-esteem boost cause she’s been striking duds looking for her bit of fast and dangerous.
You know the Nopetipus? Challenge the Nopetipus!
I’ve left the b/f several times then went back. I am not the drama queen and not the argumentative type. What happens is that any questionable behaviour I become the first hand witness to, I shut down emotionally, back off for hours, days, weeks, even a couple of months can go by to try to forget it. It’s like a light switch, the build up and build up of bad behaviours throughout the days and weeks add up and I get to a point where I can’t take the bullshit anymore and am so turned off, I just want to… Read more »
BPD.
@ Tobe “Figure out what you aren’t doing to know how to meet her needs. ” That’s precisely what he tried to do. “When I asked her why, the only thing she would tell me was that she didn’t feel about me the way that she did at the beginning.” After she wouldn’t tell him whether it was because she had another guy or not, he said that he was getting ready to move on. “But—just last week, right when I had made up my mind to really start to get on with my own life” He shouldn’t have to… Read more »
Im sorry but as a woman myself I disagree with “Victory Unlimiteds” response. women DO get confused, and may think they are making a mistake then afterwards we can think about it and realize we truly LOVE the person. Some women arent happy with themselves so they may think its because of the guy, or she may have felt too safe in the relationship and needed to see what it felt like to be without him, just to realize she wants to be with him. Just because she ended it didnt mean there was another guy! Women like to explore… Read more »
Hi Karen, Thanks for giving your take on the situation. Here’s how I see it: Contrary to the politically correct, popular opinion—mutually satisfying male/female relationships are not usually achieved by couples choosing to honor the validity of the woman’s point of view only. Believe it or not, despite our very real failings as a gender—sometimes relationships crashing and burning is not our fault. If you’ll take another objective look at what Kevin wrote, you’ll clearly see that from his ex’s own admission: 1. She broke it off with him abruptly and treated him very disrespectfully. 2. She told him that… Read more »
Wow. Hardcore truth indeed. I’m going to check out your site.
Bravo! Bravo! Bravo!
I am shocked the Editors even allowed you to post this reply!
When I started being treated like a second class citizen by my then wife, she quickly became my ex-wife. Men need to learn to not tolerate the mental and emotional rubbish disguised as ‘confused’….Simply put, it is narcissism and psychopathy.
I partially agree with Karen and I partially agree with Victory Unlimited. Karen, you are right that women sometimes make mistakes. Even with the person we may truly love. I also agree with you that some women aren’t happy with themselves so they project that onto their guy, job or other things. And it’s true that she may have gotten cold feet or doesn’t know what her heart really wants. And I do believe that men sometimes need to offer a little more grace and compassion to the fact that women are human beings, just like them, who will not… Read more »
In movies, books, talk shows, and real life in general what’s the first thing a woman is more likely to hear after she makes a major screw-up, bad choice, bad decision, mistake intentional or not.? “Its not your fault.” If a man insists her bad decisions and choices are indeed her fault what is most likely something he’s almost guaranteed to hear. “You’re victim-blaming.” So yes, the general consensus when it comes to women in terms of relationships is its always the man’s fault. Many women have spent years hearing that nothing is ever their fault to the point where… Read more »
Adam, that has not been my experience. I actually think our culture tends to be machoistic toward women in telling them all the things they do wrong and how they can “fix” themselves. More than half the self-help books are directed to and purchased by women. Unfortunately, women eat this stuff up. Remember “He’s just not that into you”..sado maschoists drivel beating women up for all the ways they fail to know what a man wanted. On top of all the tv shows and books that continually talk about how women can “improve” her body, be a better mother and… Read more »
@Erin (December 30, 2013 at 2:02 pm)
Thank you for a balanced and well-written response.
/K
Thanks FlyingKal.
I COMPLETELY agree with you. V.U.’s response seems to miss the gray area that is often in relationships and life. I have been confused before and broken it off and come back to realize I was running because the seriousness scared me, not him.
@ Amy S. I tend to agree that people can male a mistake and break off a relationship, but I don’t know that it should change anything for Kevin. There’s a difference between breaking up and staying friends and cutting someone out of your life. There’s a difference between breaking up and asking for space or a “time out”. Just because she made a mistake doesn’t mean Kevin should take her back or more to the point take her back right away. At the very least he should ask for space and probably should date others and if he finds… Read more »
@Amy Friedman,
This is a unique role I guess reserved strictly for women.
@Karen, “women DO get confused, and may think they are making a mistake then afterwards we can think about it and realize we truly LOVE the person.” Why do women refused to take personal responsibility for their actions? Why do so few women seem to ever hold other women accountable for their utter selfishness (i.e., ‘Women like to explore life on their own sometimes.’). ” I want you to know that women get confused all the time. We leave and comeback all the time and its RARELY for another MAN! its because of whats in our OWN heads and hearts!”… Read more »
Would we expect anything less when a book like Eat, Pray, Love became a bestseller?
The main reason why many women refuse to take responsibility for their actions is beacuse for 25 years women have heard one phrase over and over and over again. “Its not your fault.” When a woman abruptly ends a relationship with a man, women are more likely to assume its because he did something wrong and they call her empowered for doing breaking it off. When a man ends a relationship, he’s a no- good jerk that’s insensitive to her feelings. Most movies and TV shows treat women who end their relationships like an act of liberation whereas if she’s… Read more »
It was a 3 year relationship, I’m pretty sure her heart WAS in it and no longer is anymore. What type of guy is a “too safe” type of guy??? The way she ended it with this guys speaks volumes! This is just my opinion
She wasn’t confused, Karen, she was heartless and cruel. And she doesn’t believe she should be accountable for her cruelty. Why do you make excuses for women like her, why do you feel its necessary to rationalize her behavior when it was clearly unconcerned with the pain it brought to the life of a man she was supposed to love. Here’s a few facts. SHE NEVER LOVED HIM! SHE DOESN’T LOVE HIM NOW! If he decides to have a relationship with her after what she’s done he’s a damn fool who has future heartache coming and he will deserve it… Read more »
@adam,
You are spot on my man!
Happy New Year!
If she only she hadn’t blocked Kevin on Twitter and unfriended him on Facebook . . . all else can be forgiven!
Hey Lawrence, you nailed it, man! Because as we all know: Being blocked off of Twitter and unfriended from Facebook are the “WORST” things that can happen to people in today’s dating / relationship climate…LOL.
Good one Lawrence.
Kevin as a woman I would say move on and drop her like a hot potato. I’m with Victory on this one, she is cold-hearted and doesn’t care about you at all. If you continue with this relationship you will be going into something where you are only a second choice or the fall-back option, not the love of her life. Having made the mistake myself to marry someone who just wasn’t as into me as I was into him, who also dropped me mercilessly but came back when that didn’t work out claiming he was “confused” and had been… Read more »
Tell her not to contact you. Block her from your social media accounts. It’s one thing to end the romantic relationship. She basically told you she didn’t even want to be friends anymore. Find someone else like you were planning to do.
Yeah walk away and dont look back. good dudes are hard to come by (me being one of them) find someone else who appreciates you for all the good things you offer and not selfish reasons to stay with you for convenience…I dont have time for all that…the next one will hopefully be the right one
She doesn’t love you, and hasn’t for quite some time. Let it go. And definitely keep up the no contact, letting her back into your life will only get messy.
“………….It’s far more likely that she dumped you because she probably already had met another man. You see, despite what you’ve heard, most women don’t usually dump men when they’re confused. Instead, they dump men “after” they’ve already made up their minds. In fact, if I were on leave in Vegas right now, I’d bet that the lady in question had decided to bail out of the relationship a long time ago—she just finally got around to telling yo’ ass about it, recently.” Yup!!! Women are by and large serial daters and serial monogamist. Don’t kid yourself otherwise. Kevin, and… Read more »
I think that generally when women are done, that is it: End game. Usually the person doing the dumping has thought long and hard about it so they are already ahead in their mind and firm in their decision. Sure, she could have dumped you because he was confused but her super fast dumping and also the blocking on Twitter and Facebook makes me think there is more to it, or that she was sure about dumping you. Are you sure she wasn’t involved with someone else? If you are receptive to talking to her to get more info, or… Read more »
Amy,
Yes you are right. There is definitely more to this story than Kevin says.