Do You Have Good Chemistry or True Compatibility?

We talk about compatibility in relationships like it’s a magical formula.

Either you have it — or you don’t.

If you are “compatible” with the person you’re seeing, things are wonderful and all-around fantastic. You feel like you’ve found your soulmate and one true love.

But if you aren’t “compatible,” you’re bound to misery, conflict, and disappointment. You’ll be trapped in a hopeless marriage or long-term relationship that you feel like you can’t leave because of the kids or finances.

Well, I have news for you —

Compatibility is a choice.

We often confuse compatibility with chemistry.

Chemistry is the intangible quality that draws you to a person, that supplies the “spark” and attracts you beyond logic or reason. It may have to do with personality types, interests and hobbies, or physical preferences.

Regardless, chemistry is the factor that you can’t force or fake. It generally requires no effort. The chemistry between two people happens naturally without either person having to try too hard.

Chemistry is unpredictable and unexpected.

Either you have it or you don’t.

Compatibility isn’t quite so elusive.

Compatibility requires two things (1) the ability to make compromises for the good of the other person and (2) the willingness to do so.

First, it has to be within your realm to make compromises. Let’s say your partner wants to be with a man who makes a quarter million dollars every year, has a Ph.D., owns a boat, and wants to marry you.

First, is that possible for you? And if it is, would you want to do it?

Let’s say your partner wants a woman to raise four kids, be a chef, babysitter, homemaker, and have a full-time career.

Is that possible for you? And if so, would you want to do it?

Generally, you can not have everything you might want in a perfect world. But you have to be willing and able to make compromises. It doesn’t matter who you’re dating or who you meet — nobody is going to check off every single box 100% of the time.

If you are incapable of making compromises, or if you have no desire to do so, then you are not compatible.

This is something that couples who are blinded by love often forget: you are two different people.

You are going to naturally have different wants and needs. You are going to clash in different areas. No amount of love is going to prevent that.

You can be compatible without chemistry, but the best combination is having both.

Chemistry is natural and effortless. Compatibility takes work.

Far too often we go for the quick and easy. We expect instant gratification. If it doesn’t work in the first five minutes, we get ready to jump ship and move on.

Finding a person you have chemistry with might not be easy for everyone, but the process of getting to know each other and falling in love will feel effortless. It happens before you can put conscious thought behind it.

Compatibility happens when the time comes for compromise.

Do you see yourself pursuing similar lifestyles? Do you think about finances the same way? Do you both want to get married and have kids? Do you both worship the same God?

These types of questions often take effort and energy to work through on your own — and much more so with a partner.

But compatibility without compromise simply does not exist.

Final thoughts

Having chemistry alone is not what makes you compatible.

Of course, you want to be passionately in love and deeply attracted to the person you’re with. But without the ability and willingness to compromise on what matters most to you or your partner, you will find yourselves incompatible over time.

Compatibility is a choice that anyone in a long-term relationship has to make every day.

Chemistry draws you in and begins the relationship, but compatibility is ultimately what makes it last.

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This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM.

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From The Good Men Project on Medium

What Does Being in Love and Loving Someone Really Mean?

My 9-Year-Old Accidentally Explained Why His Mom Divorced Me

The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex

The Internal Struggle Men Battle in Silence

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