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“Are you gay?” It was my mother asking. We were in the car, the hub for most awkward parent-child conversations, in the middle of a pleasant, but heated debate about parental reactions to coming out. A few friends had recently gone through the process with less-than-enthusiastic responses from their very liberal, highly-educated parents.
“No.”
“But if you were,” she asked, “Would you worry about telling me?”
“Yes.”
“Do you think I would be disappointed?”
“Yes.”
She pondered for a moment, before admitting that I was right; she would have been. We spent the rest of the ride to the airport trying to untangle why.
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I grew up in an affluent suburb of Boston. I went to public school with kids who had gay parents. There was a thriving Gay Straight Alliance. My own godfather is gay. Every dinner table conversation about gay marriage in Massachusetts was based on the assumption that it is wrong to deprive people of equality. And yet, I was so sure that if I were the one bringing home a girlfriend, or hinting at anything less than heterosexuality, my announcement would undermine certain familial expectations.
I’m not gay, and so it may seem like the verbal dance of hypotheticals is a waste of time. It sure felt like my mother thought so once I’d affirmed my straightness. To me, my heterosexuality couldn’t be the end of the conversation. What if my children were gay? Would they have worry about telling their grandmother about their new boyfriend or girlfriend when she did the grandmotherly thing and pried into their personal lives?
There are things you want for your children, my mom explained, and most fundamentally they include happiness and safety; you want them to have easy lives. Despite all the progress made against homophobia, there are still moments of unease, moments of discomfort, and in many parts of the country, moments of real danger for LGBTQ people. What parent wants their child to go through that? I understood, but I couldn’t agree.
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If you are convinced, as I am, that sexual orientation is not something you can choose or willfully change, than it’s your job as a parent to make sure your kids know that any irritation, angst, resentment, or resignation you display has absolutely nothing to do with them.
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I have stellar parents who taught me to respect other people, to speak up when I see discrimination, and to expect equality for myself and for others. If I were a lesbian, why would my mom, who instilled in me the values that continue to guide my adult life, have even a split second of disappointment? Would my life be harder? Maybe. Would my life have different challenges? Almost certainly. It’s fair of her to worry about those things, but it’s not fair to direct even a drop of that disappointment at me.
If you are convinced, as I am, that sexual orientation is not something you can choose or willfully change, than it’s your job as a parent to make sure your kids know that any irritation, angst, resentment, or resignation you display has absolutely nothing to do with them. Any worries you hold about how they’ll fare in life has to be squarely directed at the institutions that perpetuate discrimination. Laws in this country are not fair, and the opinions of co-workers, classmates, and complete strangers are even less so. This is not a burden that your kid chose to bear. Things like, “What will I tell the relatives,” “Just don’t be too flamboyant about it,” or “I always pictured your wedding and now I won’t see it,” are not supportive. They may seem like real concerns to you, but to your kid it just reads as blame for something beyond their control.
Bryn comes from a family much like mine. Compared to some LGBTQ folks, her family was “relatively awesome and supportive” when she came out. Nonetheless, she says, ” I got a lot of comments like, ‘It might just be a phase’ and ‘Don’t limit yourself.’ I felt like the underlying message was ‘Hey, we’re going to be tolerant of your sexual confusion, but if at any point you decide to return to being heterosexual, that would be AWESOME and would make things way easier for us.'” She remembers being furious with her mom for saying that while they loved and accepted her, they “would need time to process and think about it.” There’s only something to process if internal expectations are being rewritten. Why did you make these assumptions in the first place?
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As we pulled up to Logan and I got ready to board another flight taking me from the place that used to be home to the place that is now home, my mother asked me what she could have done differently. I told her that no kid ever wants to feel like they’re disappointing their parents, even for something they can’t change. If and when I have children, I want to make a point of not projecting any expectations of sexual orientation until my kids give me some indications of what they should be. Statistically it’s a lot more likely they’ll be straight, but the harm in assuming wrong and forcing my kid to upend my assumptions isn’t worth it. And even if they are straight, they’ll know that my house is a safe space for their LGBTQ friends.
I’m never going to ask my daughters, “Are there any boys you have a crush on at school?” I’m never going to ask my sons if they’ve invited a girl to a dance. I can already tell I’m going to be a particularly nosy parent, but they’re going to come home to gender-neutral nosy questions like “Have you met anyone special?” They will know that whatever they are, whoever they like, is fine with me. Scratch that… not “fine,” it’s awesome.
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Great to discover a post that is neither illiterate nor biased to either an angry gay or so-called Christian pov. Hope I’m not too late to ask this: if Christopher Hitchens were growing up now, would he still go on to date and marry women or would he be rushing to identify himself as gay while still at boarding school? Sure, some kids know one way or another from an early age, but how well are liberal families and communities serving intelligent, introspective and entirely unexperienced young kids who need more time?
Awesome post.
I’m so incredibly grateful I am gay. It has taught me so much and reminds me every day that what is majority and what is center is never the full story. My gayness informs my feminism and my investment in undoing racism. It has made me curious about how we can be better as a society and how we can create both kindness and justice. It has not always been easy, but I wouldn’t change for anything.
And I couldn’t care less if my kid is GLBT, etc. I’d prefer if they were, just like I prefer that they be studious, and have good hair. But if not, I’ll be ok.
Two women I know are expecting their first child. I posed this same question to them: Do You Hope Your Child Will Be Straight?
They are still pondering their answer.
I’m not a parent. I have no real interest in, or expectation of ever being a parent. But if I ever do have a child, I hope they’ll be happy. My observation, and statistics, suggest that homosexuality makes if difficult to be happy. Especially for men. Among homosexual men, Addiction is pandemic. Most gay men will experience substance addiction, or sexual addiction, or even gaming addiction at some point in their teens or twenties. Some studies suggest that the addiction figures are more than 9 in 10. Shortened lifespans are common. Hate crimes, bigotry, homophobia, the absence of positive gay… Read more »
If homosexuality is 100% foreordained and unchangeable, then all discussions and opinions are basically moot, Darwinistically speaking. It absolutely would not matter what the parents, society, or religion might do, say, or think. Therefore there would be no selection, genetic or memetic, for antigay attitudes, since such attitudes would have no effect on reproduction. HOWEVER…. if there’s even a 1% chance that your child’s homosexuality is reversible, reprogrammable, discouragable…. then… you’d expect that parents, religions, ethnic groups, and cultures that discourage it, would have marginally higher reproductive success than those who don’t. Multiply even a small differential fertility advantage over… Read more »
I don’t know about cutting off research funding. In fact, I don’t believe it happened, although claiming it did increases the victimization creds. Old tactic. Wore out. And “stigmatizing” is awfully like trying to avoid getting a fatal disease that we were all about to get. A couple of docs from the CDC going on twenty years ago admitted they’d lied about the threat to the het community–for political purposes, they said. Presumably if the disease were seen as a disease of gays and druggies, the research funding wouldn’t have been forthcoming. But in the meantime, we were all panicking… Read more »
AIDS may be pretty simple. The rectum is vascular, and the colon sucks up fluid (that’s its job.) So, populations that have unprotected anal intercourse (UPA) are at high risk. In Africa, UPA is used for birth-control and AIDS is a heterosexual disease as much as a gay one. Here, it’s historically more gay, although it’s now becomming a poor people’s disease. (During traditional vaginal intercourse, woman are at greater risk than men.)
By the way, I’ve never noted that liberals, in particular, have issues with their kids being gay…?
I don’t deny that aome people are evidently born homosexual. Nor do I deny that some people are evidently born polyamorous. Nor do I deny that some people are evidently born both homosexual and polyamarous.
I would prefer that my grandchildren be raised in the home with their biological parents married to each other. If my kids are homosexuals or polys (or both), that is unlikely to occur. Yes, that would disappoint me.
Right, Eric. I think I was probably born poly. I’ve thought at times it was like being gay, in fact. I don’t practice right now because my spouse isn’t into it, and because “ethical polyamorists” have so many rules and judgements that I find them unpleasant. I think they wreck their relationships by talking endlessly about being poly, for example.
Henry, it’s pretty much the same. There is a reason some people have a very hard time staying in a relationship with only one person. If something is natural it’s not hard to do.
Parental expectations is a difficult subject to talk about. I’m not parent, so I cannot appreciate the nuances and responsibilites of the role. Nor am I denying that parents are not human, and subject to human foibles. However, I am an uncle, and have seen first hand how much an adult’s own projections can influence a child, for good or bad. Too often, I have seen “parental expectations” that are projections of what the parent wants, hopes and yearns, for themselves. As if the child is blank slate for them to make amends or make up for missed opportunities. Even… Read more »
Parents should love their children, regardless of what sexual identity the child embraces as he or she grows up. However, parents need to know not just how to react, but how to help their children analyze the whys. I happen to disagree with the notion that sexual orientation is already determined at birth. I know your article focused more on “liberal” parents than conservative ones. Parents who have a religious faith that does not embrace homosexuality need to know how to respond compassionately and truthfully to their children regarding homosexuality. Just as we protect our children from other things we… Read more »
I have a gay stepdaughter, and it was a lot easier for me to realize and get used to the idea that she was gay than it was for her father. When he finally did, he was the one to say to her, ‘No matter what lifestyle you choose, you’ll always be my little girl.” He understands now that it’s not a lifestyle ‘choice’, but that was pretty good coming from someone who once (a very long time ago) said he would never employ someone who was gay. And yet it did take time to process the loss of what… Read more »
Thanks for adding your story to the conversation, Gabi. I think you’re dead on to reference some of the generational stuff going on here too. Your husband’s reaction is indeed “pretty good” coming from someone who presumably grew up before the gay rights movement really gained momentum. I absolutely agree that there’s a learning curve of some sort to these things. And your point about parents defining happiness by what makes them happy makes sense too. But this line feels different to me: “Each time kids make a different choice from the one we would have chosen for them we… Read more »
OK, Emily, but I think Gabi’s point still stands: humans often develop expectations for their children and have to do some rethinking when their children surprise them. My parents are both in favor of gay marriage and I was raised in the Bay Area, but I’m sure they would both be thrown for a loop if I told them I was gay. I have no doubt they would love and accept me if I was or if I brought a guy home instead of a girl, but they would have some adjusting to do. I wouldn’t interpret that as a… Read more »
I think part of the disappointment on the part of liberals comes from the supposed threat to their legacy. Automatically some parents of gays worry that their homosexual child won’t have kids and thus does not aid the continuation of their lineage.
That is a statistical reality because they never have unplanned children and have to somehow involve a third party and/or a doctor(s).
Linguist, you completely missed the point of the piece. There is no evidence that shows that gay men and women are biologically sentenced to die sooner. Not only are those figures overblown, but they’re the direct result of homophobia. As someone who has worked in youth LGBTQ homless shelters, I can tell you that yes, some gays and lesbians do live shorter lives. But those queer youth were homeless and will likely die before they see the age of 35 because their families threw them out. They, and not the kids’ orientations,are the problem. Likewise, other issues that can shorten… Read more »
Studies keep confirming that Gay men’s lifespans are shorter. Like this one: http://ije.oxfordjournals.org/content/26/3/657.abstract It has nothing to do with gay homelessness or hate crimes. There are not enough gay homeless, or enough anti-gay hate crimes to account for a huge 8 to 20 year lifespan difference. And lesbians don’t have shorter lives. Presumably they face the similar problems with lack of family support and hate crimes. The studies (like the one linked) look at the cause of death and the major mortality drivers are sexually transmitted diseases – like aids and hepatitis. If one of my children was gay, I… Read more »
Well, that study was published in 1997 (14 years ago) using data culled from an urban center from 1987-1992. Life has changed a lot for homosexual men in the developed world since then.
Thanks for answering exactly as I was going to answer, Jeni!
And again, you missed the point. That data is a reflection of the tragic consequences of the HIV/AIDS panic in the 80’s and early 90’s. If a major outbreak occurred in a group, and society at large drives it underground out of fear and refuses to address the disease by cutting off research funding and stigmatizing anyone with the ailment, what do you expect to happen? Any epidemiologist can tell you that it will wipe out that group. I’m a gay male in a commitfed, monogamous relationship with a clean partner- am I suddenly gong to spontaneously contract the disease… Read more »
Here is some: http://www.aidsmap.com/HIV-in-the-UK-still-cuts-13-years-off-life-expectancy-late-testing-is-the-main-reason/page/1558930/ Aids treatment and testing has improved – but even today AIDS on average cuts 13 years off of life expectancy. Back in the 80’s and 90’s when AIDS was a death sentence people started being more careful. Now that people are being told that it is a ‘manageable chronic condition’, people are being less careful and AIDS infections are rising again – especially among gay men. And we are in danger of losing some of the progress we’ve made in treatment as there are now drug resistant strains of AIDS. “I’m a gay male in a… Read more »
Anal sex isn’t restricted to gay men, Linguist. Neither is cheating. There are STD risks that come with any kind of sexual contact. The answer isn’t hoping that your child is gay, the answer is better sex-education and disease prevention for everyone.
“…but even today AIDS on average cuts 13 years off of life expectancy….”
But even today most AIDs patients are heterosexual. In some African countries the infection rate is near 50 and you can hardly claim that homosexuals make up anything close to 50% of those populations.
So odd. I don’t think my first wife and I ever thought about this, even for a second. Our daughter is straight.
Based on my observations thus far, my son is/will be straight and my daughter bisexual. If I’m wrong and either one or both are gay, I’m indifferent. As long as they’re happy, I’m happy. Now, my children’s father and their grandparents might have a more difficult time with it but they can always count on me to be in their corner.
Life expectancy for gay men is about 8-20 years shorter than straight men. The odds that a straight son eventually brings home grandchildren is much higher. I have no trouble hoping my son is straight.
Not true. Look it up.
http://www.boxturtlebulletin.com/Articles/000,018.htm
Emily: I grew up in the same area with the same liberal parents. My aunt is gay. I grew up spending summers in P-Town and attending lesbian softball games. I passionately argued and rallied for gay marriage, and celebrated heartily when that victory was won. I was an usher at a gay wedding. Technically speaking, my credentials as an ally are impeccable and it would be easy to hide behind them. But I expect my son will be straight, and would be thrown for a loop if he told me he was gay. But I don’t feel badly about that.… Read more »
Thanks for reading Aaron. For one thing, you’re a parent, and I’m not. So it’s certainly fair to say that what I’m describing is what I intend to do, but not necessarily what will happen. I don’t know first hand all of the worries, hopes, dreams, concerns etc. that come with raising kids. I agree with your last paragraph and that ultimately showing your kid that you love them unconditionally is the bottom line. And of course I agree that parents make mistakes and nobody expects perfection. Where you lose me is this; if you think that assuming your child… Read more »
You’re right. A blank slate doesn’t have a downside. In a perfect world there would be no preconceived notions and we’d all just walk around experiencing things all the time and never pre-judging anyone or anything. So ideally, your way is the best. But your way is not feasible. Well, maybe it is. But for me and every single other parent I know, that’s not the case. Because from the minute you find out you’re having a baby you start planning things and thinking about the future. And in the split second that happened, I envisioned my son with a… Read more »
I’m just talking about sexual orientation, for the moment, not the entire spectrum of parental expectations. I’m not sure it’s fair to call this a “natural human reaction.” I guess we’ll have to wait for my peers to have kids and see if they have the same reaction you did, that split second of future-envisioning. I’m pretty sure I can commit to this much: even if I have that moment of imagining my child straight, I’m not going to convey that to my kid. I have too many friends for whom the process of telling their parents, who did eventually… Read more »
Daddy Files, I agree that as a parent (I have two kids, age 3 and 10), you will imagine what the future holds and form pictures and ideas about their future lives. But I think it’s important to realize that those images, wishes, dreams, hopes become part of the implicit conversation we have with our children. They inform how we react to our children and what they do, and how we relate to the kids. However neutral and well-meaning we are, they become implicit expectations. I think as a parent it’s my responsibility to be aware of these expectations I… Read more »