Do You Really Have to Be ‘Healed’ Before Dating Again?

Did you finally come across someone who makes your heart sing and your eyes smile?

You know, someone who’ll make you happy.

They are funny, cute and charismatic. They respect you and admire your choices. They are good with their finances and even better with their relationships.

So, all in all, it is an ideal match for you.

But now, suddenly, you’re scared that you will be the one to ruin the relationship.

You’re still reeling from the aftereffects of your last breakup. You feel emotionally raw. And you’re struggling to cope with your loneliness, anger, and resentment.

And that makes you wonder if you really have to be healed before dating again.

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What are you even healing from?

Relationships are the closest connection we can form as humans.

A romantic relationship is one in which you get to know a stranger. You invest your time, energy, and feelings in them. And as the connection between you two gets stronger, you come closer.

And, more often than not, you make them the center of your universe. Or at least, they’re in the inner circle of your human connections.

But then you face some hardships and eventually lose that connection.

It’s a connection with someone you’ve shared beautiful memories with. That’s grief.

You need to heal from it.

You may have been hurt during this relationship and resent the person. You hold anger against the person/situation.

You’ll need to heal yourself from this anger.

You may not have wanted the breakup. You may still want your ex. But they’ve already moved on. And they’ve no interest in reigniting your bond.

You’ll need to heal and redirect that hope, too.

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Why do you need to heal BEFORE dating again?

If you’re still hurting from your past, you may not be able to give the love and respect your partner deserves.

And that too without any fault of theirs.

But once you take some time off of dating to address your past wounds:

You start understanding yourself better.
You’ve better knowledge of your boundaries and your trigger points.
You can communicate your needs with your partner in a positive way.

If you’re still unsure of the importance of healing before dating, ask yourself:

Will you date someone who has loads of baggage from their past?

Will you want to date while constantly being in someone else’s shadow?

If you’ve strived hard to heal yourself, will you date someone who has not healed from a past relationship?

If you’re not ready to date someone like this, why would another person want to date you?

…

Healing before dating

Now, you are mature enough to understand that there may be a few things that you need to work on. But you also feel that you might lose a good match if you don’t take this chance.

They tick all the boxes you have for your perfect mate.

So, despite not healing from your past traumas, you think your amazing chemistry will sustain the relationship.

But you should think again.

Being in a relationship for the first few days or weeks is a piece of cake. The exploring aspect of a new relationship makes it fun enough to keep going for a few days.

Anybody can do it.

But once the honeymoon phase is over, both of you will soon look past the initial lust/love.

That’s when the real relationship starts.

When you invest deeper feelings into each other, you’ll form a genuine connection.

And if you’ve rushed into the relationship without proper healing, you’re most likely carrying emotional baggage from your past relationships, which will manifest as insecurities.

These will impact your partner, too, and eventually cause strain in the relationship.

And if you think your partner is so good that they’ll love you enough to look past it all. And you can live happily together forever.

Well, life is not a book or a movie.

So, sorry, but nothing as such will happen.

Instead, you’ll end up hurting your partner and yourself, too.

…

Risk of unhealed wounds

Pressure to date again — after a breakup — is real.

You may want to show your ex that you’re over them. Or maybe you want to prove to your friends that you don’t want your ex anymore.

Or you may want to date just because you’re lonely. And loneliness scares you.

If these are the reasons you want to date again, please don’t date.

But these rebounds rarely turn into a real, long-lasting relationship.

These are more likely to hurt you rather than heal you.

But in such relationships, your partners will become a casualty, too.

Your partner will be trying their best to keep you happy.

They’ll be giving you the love and respect you’ve always craved. They’ll try to mend things in you that they never broke.

But your mind is still on your ex’s actions, reactions, thoughts, and feelings.

You keep thinking, “What would my ex have done here instead? If they see me like this, how will they react? Would they like the person I am now?”

All the while, you’re ignoring the person who’s right there with you.

And it’s unfair to do that to someone who genuinely likes you. Your partner may think they have a real chance at a future with you.

You end up making them feel like an option.

It’ll be exhausting to love someone who has their heart and mind on someone else.

…

Be healed to date the right people

Opposites rarely attract in this situation.

A healed person would look for a healed/healing partner.

If you haven’t healed well from your past relationship, you’ll attract people who haven’t either. It’ll be a relationship in which you put all your love, time, and effort into it, but it’s reciprocated poorly.

But what if, by some luck, you get people who’ve healed themselves? They’ve worked upon themselves. They’re the best person you know, the greenest of green flags.

Can such a lopsided relationship work for a long time?

Even if you find such a partner, you won’t be able to make the relationship work because of the red emanating from you.

Either you’ll lose them soon or disturb their peace, sometimes both.

…

Balance dating while healing

It’s okay to take a break from dating.

You’ll have the emotional stability to build a healthier relationship, increasing your chances of happiness.

But let’s also not strive to achieve perfection in healing.

You’ll never be perfectly healed.

And sometimes, it’s impossible to complete your healing journey without others.

You won’t know if you have healed enough to date unless you take the plunge and reenter the dating era.

Once you do, you’ll gradually understand what triggers you. And you can use these realizations to better yourself. You can’t realize these alone — sitting in your room — journaling.

So you do the 85% of the work by yourself. And the rest, 15%, you heal with the people around you.

So heal enough.

Then, continue your healing process while dating a loving partner.

Be aware of your actions and reactions.

And improve yourself accordingly.

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Healing isn’t a sign of weakness

Some people try to give healing a negative twist.

They say that healing perpetuates the idea that somebody is unlovable or unworthy. They think that by healing, you’ll change yourself just to be worthy of someone.

But that’s so far from the truth.

Even if you haven’t healed, you’re not ‘broken’ or unworthy of someone’s love. You are — in no way — incapable of being in a relationship.

When healing, you’re NOT trying to change yourself to fit into someone else’s idea of a perfect match.

Instead, you’re trying to become the best version of yourself.

You’re not doing it for anybody else but you.

Look around you.

Do you see couples who look unhappy all the time?

They can’t talk for a minute without arguing. They’re forever pissed at each other.

People who have anger issues, insecurities, and mindsets that are tying them down. There are many such couples around us.

You’ll be one of them too.

Getting into a relationship without doing an ounce of self-work is easy.

But by healing, you’re simply allowing yourself to enjoy the relationship even better.

…

How long do you need to heal before dating again?

There’s no fixed time frame under which you need to heal.

Everyone has their own pace to heal.

A few can jump from one long relationship to another. And be completely happy all the time. In contrast, others may stay in their safety cocoon for a year after exiting a 3-months relationship.

And both are perfectly normal.

Because we are all different.

So, we are the only ones who can decide how long our healing period should be.

Don’t pressurize yourself to heal faster or slower.

Stop judging yourself.

Stop numbing your feelings.

Sit with your thoughts and become aware of how you tend to self-sabotage your relationships. Process your feelings and get to the main source of them. Work on them.

Once you can control your feelings better, you can start dipping your toes in the dating pool.

…

Self-healing

You can take control of your healing process.

You don’t always need to seek a therapist for it.

Many books and articles can aid in your self-healing journey.

The Internet is filled with self-healing practices. You can find various self-care videos that’ll help you through it.

So you can figure it out yourself.

Caution: Be aware of what you’re doing. Don’t fall prey to any scams.

But if you ever need professional help, remember that it’s normal to do so and nothing to be embarrassed about.

We’ve always sought help from professionals — teachers, doctors, or others. So, it’s nothing to be ashamed of if you ever need to seek help from a therapist.

It’s okay.

It’s normal.

It’s healthy.

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Final Words

If you don’t heal yourself before dating again, similar issues will keep resurfacing.

And all the pent-up emotions built over time will destroy your present.

You can’t numb your pain for a long time. You’ll have to face them sooner than later. And it’s always better to face them sooner.

It may sometimes be tough.

But you’re tough, too.

And you’ll get through it.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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From The Good Men Project on Medium

What Does Being in Love and Loving Someone Really Mean?

My 9-Year-Old Accidentally Explained Why His Mom Divorced Me

The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex

The Internal Struggle Men Battle in Silence

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