When my broke and under-employed roommate told me she was taking a 5-hour road trip to visit a man she’d met once to ‘see if it was something real,’ I thought really, that’s your main priority right now?
Side. eye.
At the same time, I knew I was being both judgemental and outrageously hypocritical.
Nevertheless, the point remains — chasing love without a dollar to your name is, at best, a futile endeavour and at worst, masochistic.
…
In my formative years, I too was a hopeless romantic. I believed that true love would conquer all. I even went as far as to romanticize the idea of being broke and in love, sparing any expense for a chance at that fairytale ending.
Heck, I’d even taken trips I couldn’t afford (yes, multiple) to visit potential prospects (yes, multiple) because I was so wrapped up in the idea that love would save me.
But as my twenties drew to a close, I realised I was no closer to chasing down love than I was to being able to afford a home. Heck, I could barely afford to hang out with my friends who’d moved on from beer pong on their kitchen table to drinking chartreuse in crystal stemware.
There was a choice to be made: forge on in my unyielding search for an epic love to ease the pain of my millennial financial crisis or work on becoming my own fucking lifeboat.
After many false starts, I arrived at the realization that the latter was the safest bet.
On being broke and ‘in love’
The reality of trying to date when you’re broke is that the decisions you make aren’t exclusively guided by the desire for genuine connection. They are tainted by desperation and avoidance of the discomfort that comes with genuinely trying to get your shit together.
Truthfully, no partner is going to save you, not really — they just make for wonderful bandaids.
But when the sun sets on another romance, you’ll start to realize that no price charming holds the power to make you self-sufficient. That’s on you. What’s more, leaning on your dates/hook ups/boyfriends as would-be saviours often leaves you worse off in the end (even if it feels great at the start.)
…
Broke people come with serious hangups. For instance, I have deep-seated anxiety at the prospect of needing to rely on someone else financially.
Naturally, this trauma response showed up in my relationships time and time again.
Mainly, I almost exclusively dated financially unstable men. I think it was because I gained some comfort in knowing that they were predictably unreliable. There was no danger in me getting comfortable enough to rely on them. However, because we were together, I could judge them for being unreliable.
Each relationship was repetition compulsion. I would test the waters by relying on a partner who I knew deep down would fail to provide a financial safety net.
No, I’m not talking about covering my bills or anything like that. I’m talking about having a credit score strong enough to not get rejected on rental applications so we could get a place together (and I could escape my current rodent-infested apartment.)
When they inevitably fell short, I would withdraw, filing the experience away under more evidence that even loved ones couldn’t be counted on.
But even though I would grow resentful of my partner’s financial shortcomings, I was also broke and unreliable so who was I to expect more?
I knew what I wanted my standard to be, but I could never truly assert it without feeling like a filthy hypocrite.
…
On the rare occasion I did date a financially stable man, a pedestal would appear under them and all their other faults were deemed inconsequential in comparison.
But without any financial offerings of my own, I would have to rely on this person to meet their standard of living (of which I was clearly unworthy.) I would feel deeply uncomfortable with the imbalance.
In these relationships, I would show up as this small, meek version of myself. I was afraid to assert any other standard because I prized their financial stability above how they made me feel. When they left, it reinforced the feeling of unworthiness.
Unspoken benefits of building a ‘f*ck you’ fund
For many people, the feeling of self-worth and financial independence are intimately connected (for better or for worse.) Sometimes, the deepest act of love you can show yourself is to take care of yourself financially.
I’m not talking about complete financial freedom (whatever that means.) It’s the act of giving yourself enough of a cushion to walk away from shitty situations. It’s giving yourself the protection and the power of an emergency fund (or, less delicately, a ‘f*ck you’ fund.)
There are options that come with having your own money. There is confidence in knowing you have even the smallest bit of leverage. Plus, as my dating history would suggest, I’m not sure I’m even capable of being truly open to love until I’m confident I can stand on my own two feet.
Forming the habits required to set yourself up financially builds inner confidence and that inner confidence is what allows you to choose a partner who matches that energy.
Conclusion
I’m not saying people can’t meet broke and grow together financially, just that it’s often a healthier dynamic when two people enter a relationship with a solid financial foundation.
My experience has been one of using the pursuit of relationships as a bandaid for discomfort. Crutches to avoid taking real accountability for poor spending habits and financially idiotic decisions. Manifestations of the self-limiting beliefs forged in childhood.
The magic starts to happen when you become self-sufficient. Suddenly, you can think clearly. You finally have the confidence to ask for what you deserve.
But first, you have to break the cycle.
It may feel like the harder choice to do it alone, but I promise it gets 100x easier once you remove the crutches.
Oh, and if you’re wondering what happened with my roommate and that guy — turns out, it wasn’t true love after all.
…
If you enjoy reading stories like these and want to support me as a writer, consider signing up to become a Medium member. It’s just $5 a month and it gives you unlimited access to all stories on Medium. If you sign up using my link, I’ll earn a small commission.
—
This post was previously published on medium.com.
***
From The Good Men Project on Medium
 |
 |
 |
 |
***
Join The Good Men Project as a Premium Member today.
All Premium Members get to view The Good Men Project with NO ADS.
A $50 annual membership gives you an all access pass. You can be a part of every call, group, class and community.
A $25 annual membership gives you access to one class, one Social Interest group and our online communities.
A $12 annual membership gives you access to our Friday calls with the publisher, our online community.
Register New Account
Need more info? A complete list of benefits is here.
—–
Photo by Andrik Langfield on Unsplash
