Don’t Ghost People, Pick One of These Excuses Instead

In the summer of 2021, I went on a dating spree.

It was the first “free summer” after the pandemic and I was ready to have fun again, after 2 years of being single and months of lockdown.

I installed Tinder and let the magic happen. I had dozens of matches, that fell somewhere in a spectrum of:

Match and never start a conversation
Exchange a couple of messages and end it there
Message for a while (from a few days to a couple of weeks) and sometimes meet in person after
Message for weeks and never meet in person

Most people were in categories #2 and #3.

I wasn’t looking for anything in particular, although I was mostly inclined to keeping things casual, and I was honest about that with everyone.

I went on dates, a lot of them. The thing is, most of them were first dates without any consequences and I rarely felt the urge to see that person again. There was nothing wrong about these girls (well, about most of them), I just didn’t feel anything during that first date that would justify a second one.

It must have been mutual because I was ghosted by some girls, and I ghosted others too.

To be honest, I didn’t care about being ghosted. The whole thing felt like a game, and I was always looking for the next match, the next girl, the next first date.

It Was Fun! Until Jess…

Until this girl entered the picture… Jess. Yes, we had the same name.

At first, she was just another match and I didn’t think much of it. The conversation started casually, a few messages every now and then. But before I knew it, I was looking at my phone, waiting for her to reply. I wanted the next message to be hers. I was smiling at the phone like an idiot.

The problem? She lived in another country. We had matched while she briefly visited my city but she had gone back in the meantime. Still, we were just a 1h plane ride or a 6h train journey away.

We messaged regularly for a month and a half. In the last weeks, the frequency faded, until one day she simply stopped replying.

I had been ghosted. Again. Except that, this time, it hurt.

After weeks of regular messaging, you start to feel that there is a connection. I never got to meet her in person but I had feelings for her. Certainly I wasn’t in love but I liked this person. And when someone you like vanishes into thin air, it’s a weird feeling.

I continued matching with people and going on dates — as I had during all the time we had been talking anyway. But something changed.

I never ghosted anyone again.

Of course, I still talked to and met people with whom I was not interested in pursuing anything further. But I started telling them so.

There is a world of difference between putting an end to whatever you have with someone and letting them linger wondering what the heck happened.

The person you’re “breaking up” with gets some kind of closure. And you… well, you just act like a more decent human being.

Real Reasons, Convincing Excuses

Let’s all agree on this: it can be extremely awkward to tell someone you are not interested in talking to them anymore, especially if the real reason is not something you feel comfortable sharing. The truth is, often it’s the little things that put you off. And how are you supposed to tell someone something like:

Their English is so bad that you can barely have a decent conversation
They have zero sense of humor
They are boring
They chew with their mouth open and pick their nose in front of you
They smell
They have exactly the same hand gestures as your ex
[Enter any awkward reason why you ever stopped wanting to see someone]

So what can you say instead? Here are some ideas.

When you’ve only gone so far as messaging:

I am going through some personal issues and I need to deal with them on my own.
I met someone else and things are going pretty well. I would like to focus my attention solely on them.
Messaging you made me realize I am still not over my ex.

After you’ve met in person:

I didn’t feel any romantic spark between us.
I think there are not enough common points between us for this to progress.
Meeting you was great but it made me realize I am not ready to date.

Before You Leave

Remember the categories I mentioned above? No problem, here they are again:

Match and never start a conversation
Exchange a couple of messages and end it there
Message for a while (from a few days to a couple of weeks) and sometimes meet in person after
Message for weeks and never meet in person

Obviously, #1 is not ghosting.

From my experience, #2 is the category where it happens more often that people abruptly stop replying. However, if you literally sent each other 5 messages, can it be considered ghosting? Not in my book.

#3 and #4 are a different level. Disappearing in these cases is rude and can be hurtful to the other person — even if, from your side, there are zero feelings and you couldn’t care less about the whole thing.

Remember, you don’t need to provide a long explanation, you don’t even need to tell the truth. But saying something — anything — makes the other person feel seen and respected. It’s one of those cases where a little goes a long way.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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