Wewere sitting across from each other in a booth at a Mexican restaurant. We had just spent a couple of hours riding roller coasters at a local theme park. He suggested we get dinner.
We were still in the getting-to-know-each-other phase, peppering in questions here and there over chips and salsa.
He had mentioned his last relationship and how it ended in a bit of a disaster. I took a sip of my water. I was curious, so I asked about it.
“A disaster? What happened?”
He met my eyes with a hesitant expression. “Well, I had been thinking about ending it with her for a while, but our anniversary was coming up so I decided to wait till after it passed…”
I zoned out, imagining an oblivious woman, happy in her relationship — probably planning anniversary ideas and gifts, unaware that one day, I would be sitting across from him on a date and she would be elsewhere.
“… But then, she lost her job.”
I zoned back in. “Oh, no.”
“Yeah. So, she moved in with me. We both knew it was temporary, though. Eventually, she got another job and her own place. And then we ended things.”
Photo by Jack Finnigan on Unsplash
I cringed internally (and maybe a bit externally too.) This sounded like the plot of a sitcom. I felt sympathy for his ex. Even though I didn’t know this guy too well, I don’t know why, but I could see him doing the same thing again.
To me.
Red flag? Not quite… Red flags are obvious — manipulative behavior, trust issues, history of infidelity — to name a few. Those scream get out now. But what about the ones that just make you think, “hmm”?
That is where yellow and orange flags come in. Proceed with caution.
…
1. A Weird Story About Their Last Breakup
That anecdote about my date’s last breakup? A bit of a yellow flag. The way it made me feel — the way I felt like he could do the same thing again? We’ll upgrade it to an orange flag because it’s not just your date’s actions that you have to pay attention to — there’s your intuition too.
Course of action:
This one is a play-it-by-ear situation, depending on your intuition. If you find it concerning (like I did), ask them for more context or tell them how being in that position would have made you feel. See how they respond.
2. Infrequent Communication
There’s a difference between dating someone and being in a relationship with them.
And one of the biggest differences is expectations.
When you are first getting to know someone, you probably don’t expect them to message you back quickly. But if it consistently takes more than a day to hear back, what do you do?
Photo by freestocks on Unsplash
Course of action:
Asking them about it may seem like a hassle, an unnecessary confrontation, but tell them that communication is important to you. They’ll either step up or step off.
3. Lacking Initiative
Did they ask for your number or did you ask for theirs?
Did they ask you out or did you ask them out?
Who suggested a second date? Was it you?
If they aren’t making a move at any point in the getting-to-know-you process, there is a decent possibility that they aren’t that interested in getting to know you.
Of course, there are other explanations.
Many people wait for the other person to express interest because they think they are clearly expressing their own.
Some people want to be courted.
Some are sensitive to the idea of making an unwanted advance, coming on too strong, or misreading the whole thing.
Course of action:
Talk to them about it! It may (will) be awkward but it’s better than moving forward making all the moves and internally dealing with uncertainty regarding their interest.
4. You Feel Like You Can’t Be Yourself
Are you worried you may scare them off by telling them what you are looking for?
Or worried they’ll judge you if you curse like a sailor?
Or did you let the phrase “next time” slip and now you’re worried they think you are reading too much into your time with them?
Photo by Tyler Nix on Unsplash
Course of action:
BE YOURSELF.
Drop the f-bomb and tell them what you want and how you feel. Bring up the idea of “next time.” If they don’t like it, they’ll let you know, either with their words or their actions — and then you can bid them adieu.
Do you really want to start a relationship walking on eggshells? Where do you think that will go?
Final Thoughts
To be clear, these may not be hard and fast dealbreakers — but you want to be prepared to acknowledge them, one way or another. Don’t deal with unnecessary uncertainty.
Remember that if you are looking for something serious, it’s better to find out if it’s not going to work sooner rather than later. Don’t waste your time on someone who isn’t right for you.
Listen to your intuition and be yourself, always.
…
Thanks for reading! If you enjoyed this content, consider becoming a Medium member by signing up here with my referral link. You can also subscribe to my email list so that you are notified when I publish something new. Till next time! 🙂
— Breanna
—
This post was previously published on medium.com.
***
You may also like these posts on The Good Men Project:
 White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism |
 Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box |
 The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer |
 |
—
Photo credit: JD Mason on Unsplash
