When Jamie Matthewman’s marriage combusted, he finally discovered that he held the power to create his own happiness, and that it had never depended on his relationship.
One of the biggest quests in a man’s life’s is to find that women who will make him happy. It is a natural endeavor, but the truth is you don’t need a woman to be happy, although it’s easy to mistakenly believe you do.
Why is this?
Because it seems like the feelings of happiness and contentment associated with a loving relationship are based in the creation of the relationship, but this isn’t true. It is a misconception, which might be OK if the relationship stays the course, but we know that’s not how all relationships tend to work out.
In my experience and perhaps yours too, sometimes relationships end and when they do it can turn out to be a really painful and traumatic life event. One that can have a massive impact on your health and well-being in the long term.
This happened to me back in 2001 when I split from my ex-wife. Overnight, I transformed from an outgoing, confident guy into a man who felt like his world had ended. I was lost, lonely, unworthy and of course, insecure.
Whilst I probably got what I deserved, and a little bit of suffering was perhaps what I needed, the breakup effects lasted a long time. I lost confidence, resilience and resolve for many years because I thought she was the key to my happiness.
It was completely innocent. I mean who wants to live their lives feeling that way? I certainly didn’t.
But back then I didn’t have anyone showing me how life really worked, so alcohol and drugs were the things I used to help me fill the emptiness and avoid the pain I thought was being created by not having the woman I loved in my life anymore.
I could have sworn back then that she was the only person who could deliver such happiness. So much so that I made it my mission to get her back. I spent the next three years ‘pursuing’ my ex-wife in a vow to make amends and put right the mistakes I’d made.
In the end, I got what I thought I needed to be happy and guess what…it didn’t last! Admittedly it was complicated, but the relationship had run its course. During our time apart our lives had evolved in different directions, but still I didn’t want to let go of what I’d made the crux of my happiness and security.
Time and time again I had been fooled by my own thinking, that she was what I needed to feel secure in myself. I was so far off the mark.
Our natural state is one of calm, when our mind is clear and we’re not lost in a sea of contaminated thoughts, which like tricksters try to sell us an illusory reality of life. When we buy into these thoughts that take us into feelings of insecurity, away from who we really are, we get lost and disorientated.
That’s what happened to me by believing my future happiness depended on this woman being in my life. I didn’t know with every slippery thought, there’s an equally competent detective, which always lets you know the truth behind what you’re thinking in the moment, in every moment—your feelings.
Your feelings can’t tell you anything about whether the relationship is right or wrong, or whether a woman loves you, but they do accurately report the nature of your thinking. If your thoughts are grounded in insecurity, e.g. “I need her to be happy” or “I can’t live without her.” It is no wonder I begged, pleaded and pursued for so long until I got what I thought was the source of my manhood back.
I am sure love had a lot to do with my actions, but I’m also sure I’d have behaved differently if I’d known then how life really worked. If you think you need a woman to be content with your life, your search for a woman will overtake you. It will become the focus of everything you do. That isn’t healthy.
The thing is, it’s unlikely you’ll find that special woman until you’re truly grounded in who you are.
Whenever you place your security and success in life in the hands of a woman, you’re setting yourself up for pain along the way.
Relationships are nourishing if both parties are grounded in a sense of security in themselves. Any relationship you start before you are ready, will likely not have the solid foundation brought about by two emotionally-healthy people. The most important thing you can do is work on the relationship you have with yourself.
Peer through the bullshit that rules many men’s lives and in doing so you’ll get to see that the greatest success you’ll ever have in any relationship, is by first understanding who you are.
I am not suggesting you close yourself off. Stay open to the possibility of an amazing woman walking into your life. Just be aware of whether you think you need a woman to fill something that’s missing in you. If so, deepen this understanding before you look outside to someone else to provide that sense of belonging you may be craving.
You really don’t need a woman to feel like you’re OK or good enough, it’s a delusion but sometimes especially if you’re single, it can look this way. The most important thing you can do to find lasting love is to get comfortable in your own skin. Avoid looking to someone else to fill an illusory void, you’re already whole just the way you are.
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