The truth can hurt, but sometimes you have to face it anyway.
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In the back of your mind you’ve sensed something has been off. You find crushed receipts in the trash as you follow a trail. She’s been shopping and dining out more than usual. She’s been out more frequently with family and friends, or at least that’s what you’ve been told.
There’s been zero intimacy for months. You can’t remember the last time you didn’t yell at each other. Hacking into her phone, you find she’s been texting a number you don’t recognize. You hear her, so you put the phone back, but you don’t know what to think.
Then, he says what you’d rather not hear. “If she is? You know it’s your fault.” |
You call your closest friend and ask if he can catch up for a few drinks. He senses the urgency in your voice and agrees. Over some beers and chicken wings, the small talk ends. He asks, “How have things been?” You confide, “Things haven’t been the best, I think she might be cheating.”
“That doesn’t sound like her.” he says, “What happened?” You mention your unsure and you tell him you don’t have sex anymore with her.
He knows how poorly you’ve treated her in the past. Then, he says what you’d rather not hear. “If she is? You know it’s your fault.” Dumbfounded, you want to punch him, but you don’t. Because you can’t. — Because he might be right.
All the Ways You Pushed Her Away
You Stopped Being There
She’d call you upset, and you’d brush her off. Figuring you’ll get back to her, but never did. When she needed you, you cared more about overtime hours, fantasy football lineups, beer pong tournaments, Xbox etcetera, etcetera, than giving her your undivided attention. To you, they were all valid excuses.
You’d Laugh
You started treating her like one of the guys at work. She’d be excited to share with her dreams and ask for your input, but you’d rudely laugh, you’d joke. Instead of being supportive you’d bash her dreams with negative criticism.
You’d Work More
You’d choose working overtime and spending more time with your co-workers than needed. She’d hate it when you’d use work as an excuse, time and again. Your relationship began to take a back seat to your workaholic tendencies.
You Stopped Making Out
You used to have a make out session at least twice a month, now, it’s never. Studies show couples who make out more are happier than couples who don’t. Studies also show woman have deeper intimate connections by kissing more. She’s disconnected intimately from you.
You Don’t Own Up
You don’t know how to apologize anymore, and you hate apologizing. Period. You’ve formed a belief that it’s in your DNA not to apologize, and she’s fed up with that. You say it’s a guy thing, and she needs you to own up when you mess up.
You’re Not Her Champion
You’d call her, and she’d hang on your every word. You’d command her attention because you were the highlight of her day. Now, you fight and argue more than a newly divorced couple, and you’ve allowed disrespectful tendencies to destroy communication.
Time to Get Real
What I’ve learned, is that we can start over at any time, but the problems and personal issues we don’t address, come with us to the next relationship.
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She’s asked you to be more attentive and present, but you naively believed she’d always be there. Taking her for granted has possibly pushed into the arms of someone new and odds are he’s willing to do everything you won’t do.
As bad as you wanted to punch your best friend, for saying “It’s your fault,” you’ve realized — he’s right. The relationship has been in the neglect cycle for some time, and it’s time to accept there are issues to overcome. Maybe it’s time to start over? But before that choice happens, honestly addressing things from both sides should be priority number one; calmly seeing how both parties have failed.
I believe cheating is entirely wrong. I also think if we truly love someone, then giving one firm second chance, is valid. Everyone deserves a second chance, but not 100 chances. Either way, things must change, because neglecting our relationship and or cheating, aren’t solutions that lead to happier days.
What I’ve learned, is that we can start over at any time, but the problems and personal issues we don’t address, come with us to the next relationship. Working on ourselves and figuring out what we want, and finding professional help before moving forward to rebuild a broken relationship or starting a new one, brings clarity when were lost.
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Photo credit: Flickr/ @boetter
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Once you are severally betrayed….. are you really able to live happily ever after with the person that betrayed you? You can be the best man ever if you forgive and move forward. Will you ever be able to take a day off of never failing her, again? Will you have an exhausting day and when you don’t give in to her demands, will she say she did it, again, because you are not living up to your end? It feels like a game of Russian Roulette, to me if you take her back. “Your slacking is giving me permission… Read more »
Because women are NEVER at fault, no matter what happens. It’s always and ever the man’s doing–somehow, some way, some man at some point (no matter the years or miles) is responsible for what SHE does.
…except when there are no men to blame. Then it’s the ABSENCE of men that’s to blame.
Of course 90% of comments on cheating articles say, “Then just leave. Never cheat.” Yawn. This article is refreshing. In long term relationships and marriages, you have to actively court your partner every single day. If you are not up for that – don’t get into an LTR or marriage to begin with. Just because you are physically there does not magically make your partner’s needs disappear. Sometimes having someone physically there not fulfilling your needs is more lonely than being outright single. We all know cheating is wrong. But making your partner feel unwanted or feel like shit is… Read more »
One scenario among a million.
When a womans caught
*its always the mans fault…..
I am flabbergasted. In fact, I don’t know what I detest most about this article – the blatant sexism in assuming that if a woman cheats on her man it must ultimately be the man”s fault, or the assumption that the listed ways in which he “pushed her away” could not possibly have been the result of an equally long shopping list of things she has done to let him down? Apparently, when a relationship fails, we men are to assume that we must necessarily be the cause of it – women have no agency when it comes to shitty… Read more »
I was going to say the same exact thing but you beat me to it! Everyone has heard the excuse; “He drove me into the arms of another man.” That is a cop out! Even if he’s not giving you the love, attention, affection, etc., that you think you should be getting from him. You try to work it out and if that doesn’t work, you end the relationship. But you don’t cheat!!! And this article is just one big excuse for why women cheat and puts that blame on men. So if men cheat, they’re just selfish assholes that… Read more »
Funny how he did not reply to these criticisms.
And then she should leave you and not cheat. Cheating is never the fault of anybody else – only the person cheating is responsible for the cheating.
Is it his fault that he’s being an ass? Yes. Is it his fault that she is cheating? No. No one forces the other into making poor or unethical decisions. As mentioned by others if the relationship were that bad the girlfriend should’ve ended it and moved on instead of cheating on her partner. No excuse for cheating and the person that does the cheating has no right to blame anybody but themselves.
Exactly mgm531 When cheating is involved it ends up being one big hot mess. Thank you for your feedback.
Yes, I agree that cheating isn’t a solution. It’s more of a cowardly cop out to sabotage the relationship instead of dealing with the real issues. Thank you for your comment Jenny.
Hi Vidal
I tried to look up your website but my chrome book told me this is not a safe site.
Maybe you can fix it?
Sorry Silke, thank you for the “heads up.” Was a minor tech issue but here is the actual link: http://vidalcisnerosjr.com/
Appreciate you Silke!