JJ Vincent knows there are things some guys won’t admit to, but he’s feeling brave…and late night TV reception is crappy.
I was going to call this “dude stuff” but I’m sure a lot of dudes don’t do this stuff, so I’m not going to lump you all into my bad-dish habits. But in case you feel like you’re the only guy hasn’t figured all this stuff out? I’m with you.
I’d just like to say that my partners know about this stuff and love me anyway. I’m pretty sure I’m not alone on a lot of these-and I’m pretty sure some women will read this and go, “Yep, me too.” And I cleaned this up before I put it here, because 2AM typing is not pretty and in some cases mildy obscene and somewhat imomprehensible. Incomprehensibke. Incomprehensible.
1. I cuss a lot, loudly, when I try to change lanes and the car who was going to get me over speeds up to pass. Ditto when I’ve just changed lanes and someone cuts me off. But I don’t flip people off. That’s asking for a fight. Won’t do that.
2. I’d love to pretend that I remember all important dates in advance. Sometimes I do. But a lot of times, there is an hour of frantic shopping at my go-to gift place, a big box visit at midnight, or swearing because the perfect gift is not on free-two-day-shipping.
3. Bowl and spoon are a suggestion. Most days, I eat my cereal out of a baggie, a paper towel, a paper cup, whatever container is handy. I’ve also been known to wander around with my hand in the box. I hate doing dishes. This hatred also affects consumption of other non-messy foods.
4. I’m an unabashed fan of Quentin Tarantino, Michael Bay, and Jerry Bruckheimer, and I think Jackie Chan is a genius. If there’s stuff getting broken apart, chased, flipped, blown up, smashed, exploded, I’m there. Bonus points for humor, negatives for unnecessary romantic crap that slows up the action.
5. I’ll drop a stink bomb in a store and quietly walk away. Yes, that kind of stink bomb.
6. Pencils, sticks, straws, twigs, I’ve been known to make laser gun and light saber sounds with all of them. If there’s a tree or a wall or a corner handy, I’m secret agent man. All toys with wheels need to be pushed. With sound effects. Ditto planes and GI Joes. Where I am doesn’t really matter.
7. I get angry. And not just yelling at the TV because some fictional character or NASCAR driver is being insanely stupid angry. I’ve never hit anyone or anything in anger, but I’ve yelled at people or things. I’m not proud of it and I try not to do it. But it’s the truth.
8. I sometimes watch and read adult material, generally late at night. I have my preferred genres. My partners know and have their own preferences. I don’t run around proclaiming it to the world. But it’s part of my occasional media consumption.
9. I can’t stand yard work, gardening, digging in dirt, playing in messy, greasy things. Gets in my nails and skin, impossible to scrub off. I’ll pay, trade, beg someone else to do the dirty work.
10. I’m allowed “slob zones” in the house. This is good, because since childhood I’ve been functionally incapable of putting things in a drawer.
11. I listen to music with “inappropriate language”. I’m aware that it sexualizes and objectifies people. I still listen to it. I draw the line at musics with violent or hate lyrics, or that encourage these things. But there are some things on my iPod that I should probably be ashamed of, and I’m not talking about the 80’s Hair Metal Power Ballads.
12. I laugh when I watch videos of guys getting racked in the nads because they did something stupid. Or just because. It’s that awkward-funny kind of laugh you feel bad about. Sometimes. Sometimes it’s just funny.
13. I pee in the shower. There. I said it.
‘Fess up, y’all. It’s ok. You can even wait until 2:35 in the morning.
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