Einstein’s Odyssey and the Search for Your Beloved, Episode 2

Welcome to Einstein’s Odyssey, Episode Two. This is the second of eight episodes in a series written for men. You may read the introduction here.

In this episode we begin to ask hard questions. First and foremost, are you sure you want a long-term beloved relationship? Sometimes our hopes and dreams interfere with reasonable judgement, the former essentially fragments of stories both fictional and real. In the balance, your task is to find the path that is most true for you. The beloved relationship is a charming concept, but be aware that more than half of all committed relationships fail. Still, this is your choice.

If you find yourself doubtful about your desire for a long-term beloved relationship, then you may wish to try solitude instead. Many men naturally gravitate toward being alone, and feel well-balanced and content to be on their own.

To be clear, this does not mean hiding in a cave, but rather residing alone and engaging in activities that are primarily solo. But beware not to confuse living solo with unhealthy states such as depression, anger or addiction. Ask yourself honestly How am I doing? and Am I happy with my solo lifestyle? There are many groups today that bring solo lifestyle people together for the pleasure of limited togetherness.

Keep in mind that everyone has a different relational style, the sum total of personality, comfort and the willingness to allow others to perceive important aspects of oneself. Whether with friends or prospective partners, your task is to practice revealing modest elements of your character while interacting with others who are doing the same. In many situations, as others become more meaningful to us, their relational styles begin to influence our own styles. This is especially true for long-term committed relationships.

How good are you at making friends? This is another instance where you need to be brutally honest with yourself. When was the last time you developed a new friendship? Friendship tools are not difficult, but they require a certain degree of openness and a willingness to take risks. In their most basic form, these tools include joining a group or activity in which you meet people who may become friends, extending yourself freely among others whom you barely know, and following up on friendship opportunities that arise. Smiling helps too.

Do you rely on dating apps? This question prompts us to consider an important distinction. Trying dating apps is one experience, relying on them is another. Dating apps are not designed to somehow magically find your beloved. They are commercial products designed to keep you swiping for more. They embody the essence of FOMO, or fear of missing out. Relying on these apps is a mistake for most men, since there will always be someone whom you feel you are missing. The result is a kind of continuous disappointment which is not helpful.

What is your experience with setting boundaries? Boundaries are essential for all loving and kind relationships, including friendships, family and potential beloved partners. Set your boundaries so that you are comfortable, but also so they are both reasonable and visible to prospective partners. As subtle as this may be at times, people are intensely interested in your boundaries, with some intentionally probing your limits. Watch these interactions closely. Is the individual demonstrating respect for your boundaries? Is he or she probing your limits in order to hurt you? Are the other’s boundaries comfortable for you?

Is he or she probing your limits in order to hurt you?

Do you have an open mind about prospective partners? This question is more challenging than it seems at first glance. Your task is to search deeply for hidden agendas and unexpressed emotions regarding the person’s gender, age, or appearance. Do you have specific issues with him or her that may be left over from a past experience? Again, brutal honesty is required, as some of your issues may be discriminatory but real nonetheless. Life is complicated and everyone has past experiences whose essence sometimes continues into the present.

A relationship with your beloved must be based on respect and honesty as much as attraction and joy. If there is something essential about the other that disturbs you, the time to consider this is as soon as possible. If this occurs — and it is not unusual — your choices are to discuss it with your prospective partner, if you believe it is something that may be resolved, or to separate yourself from the situation and move on.

New relationships always bring out our curiosity, and generally this is a good thing. But do you have the freedom of thought to accept what you learn? This goes to the deeper question of expectations. Are your expectations reasonable? Are you open to new traits or personalities that you may have previously imagined are not for you? Even more important, are you willing to respect the other person’s freedom of thought? Are you interested in their points of view? Or do you find yourself avoiding certain “hot” topics?

Ideally, a prospective partner will have approximately the same degree of freedom as you. This is frequently misunderstood. It is not opinions on specific matters that count. Much more important is each party’s willingness to accept the other’s perceptions even if there is disagreement involved. Mature beloved relationships develop ways of resolving simple disagreements. You might as well dip your toes in this pond and get an early start.

Vic Caldarola is the founder and lead facilitator of the Shine a Light Men’s Project, a men’s mindfulness program, and a member of the Still Water Mindfulness Practice Center. He holds a PhD in Communication Studies.