Einstein’s Odyssey and the Search for Your Beloved, Episode 4

Welcome to Einstein’s Odyssey, Episode Four. This is the fourth of eight episodes written for men. You may read the introduction here.

Depending on your personality, age and generation, you may have had many or few experiences seeking your beloved. Young men are often more interested in meeting folks just to have fun. There is nothing wrong with this as long as all parties understand the agenda. The same goes for sexual activity between consenting adults. This kind of activity may have nothing to do with seeking your beloved and is generally accepted as youthful adventure, but only when no one is deceived or hurt.

But when you are ready to begin your search, one of the main issues that arises almost immediately is your past. Many men hold on to the past because it provides some sense of who they are today. Or so it seems. The reality is that most of us are burdened by past experiences, but we hang on to them as if they were life preservers keeping us afloat as we walk toward the future. Yet our relationship with the past is more nuanced: all things happen in the present, and the past is gone forever.

Whoever we are as men, whatever we are as humans, is unfolding now, in the present moment.

Experiences shape us as men, as humans, assuming we learn from them. But when we have grown, matured and sharpened our sense of self, why do we keep the difficult memories around like so many tarnished trophies on a shelf? The most difficult memories involve bullying as a kid, painful first loves, serious errors of judgment, missed career opportunities, bouts of addiction, family-of-origin issues, failed relationships — a list too long to name.

It is time to set fire to your past. There is simply no need to keep painful memories around once you have learned their lessons. Regrets are a related challenge. Everyone has them. The question becomes how to manage them so that they serve us in the present. So many men seem to lug these around needlessly. If we are to embrace fully and honestly the individuals we are today, in the present moment, then we must unburden ourselves of troubling past memories and regrets.

Similarly, to the extent you have grown as a man and learned from past challenges, you have changed in a variety of ways. Some men fear change because they envision it looming in the unknowable future. But for most, a glance back at the past proves that they have made many positive changes. Embracing change becomes the key to attaining a degree of wisdom, and you will need wisdom once relationships begin, then fade, meander along uncertainly, or when you first experience rejection.

The truth is that searching for your beloved requires a great deal of courage. Why? Because it makes you vulnerable and invites the possibility of shame. Men seem to have particular difficulty with these two experiences, many preferring to stay out of the game entirely. What is most important to understand is that both men and women experience vulnerability and shame. But when we break it down, vulnerability is tied to courage like two sides of a coin, and shame is what we feel when vulnerability collapses into failure.

Yet the only way to faithfully search for your beloved is to do so courageously and allow yourself to become vulnerable. This is a learning experience, and in this sense you cannot fail.

There is yet another challenge that you may encounter: the judgement of your peers. In many ways, your friends and possibly siblings are paying close attention to your search for romance. It is, after all, a universal human experience, and to the extent that friends and siblings care about you, they are concerned for your well-being. Ideally, this will feel like support and encouragement. But among men, it is often expressed more like judgement. Your male peers may blame you for not hanging in there despite the odds. Expressing judgement is easy for men because we are raised to favor anger over compassion.

In the face of judgement, you are called to bring forth another layer of courage. The only way to avoid the judgement of others is to keep moving forward, your head held up, while tossing aside any judgement cast your way. Men searching for their beloved partner is like women being pregnant: you cannot avoid commentary from your peers, and even sometimes from total strangers. In the end, this is all good practice for commitment.

We will address this further in later episodes, but it belongs here as well. Say you have met a person whom you believe is a potential romantic partner. You may have had several dates or fun times together. He or she has touched your heart and you find yourself thinking about love. Who is leading the relationship at this point? This is an important question because it often predicts the type of commitment that follows. Many men are in a paradoxical position: they are expected to initiate a relationship, but once started, they often feel like they don’t know what to do next.

Here’s a solution: let your partner lead. Or better yet, take turns guiding the relationship forward. Granted, this pattern may not be obvious, but it really matters! Inviting your romantic partner to lead is first a sign of trust and an offer of supreme safety, since he or she gets to decide what happens next, and also what does not happen. At the same time, you get to observe how he or she perceives the evolving relationship, and you get a glimpse of compatibility beyond simply how to have fun together. It is like getting an advance notice of how the relationship will evolve into commitment.

Finally, sharing what we might call the partner lead is an introduction to true partnership. In a committed relationship, partnership simply means that neither party dominates, although each partner may have his or her special talents. Beloved partnerships demonstrate an advanced level of sharing a commitment. Even if partners are learning together, the benefits are worth the effort.

There are eight episodes in this series. If you don’t want to miss any, subscribe now to email notifications. Show your support by buying the author a cup of coffee. Thank you for reading.

Vic Caldarola is the founder and lead facilitator of the Shine a Light Men’s Project, a men’s mindfulness program, and a member of the Still Water Mindfulness Practice Center. He holds a PhD in Communication Studies.