Einstein’s Odyssey and the Search for Your Beloved, Episode 8

Welcome to Einstein’s Odyssey, Episode Eight. This is the last of eight episodes in a series written for men. You may read the introduction here.

Congratulations on finding your beloved partner! We will assume that you have read the last few episodes of this series. At this point, you may wonder What’s left? I’ve made it.

Well, not quite. The challenge now is to build a loving relationship that lasts. Entering into a beloved partnership is one thing, but building it strong is quite another. The latter is mostly accomplished after the couple have partnered, vowed their love for one another, and begun their new lives together.

We may begin with partnership expectations or rules. Your beloved partnership assumes a set of conscious decisions you both have made as to how your relationship will work. Generally, these are all about compatibility and may include almost anything that is important to one or both of you. Some of the most common decisions involve money, home, property, ex-partners, children, time together, and sex.

This comes down to a series of questions and conversations regarding compatibility in each of these areas. While there are no hard and fast rules, the best solutions demonstrate mutual respect, honor and loving kindness. Patience helps a lot too. Following is a brief punch list. Make any changes you both decide, and in some cases, we recommend you consult a professional advisor.

• Money — Combined or separate accounts? Specialized practices for combined income? Monthly household budget? If unmarried, then partnership papers (varies by state). Personal money?
• Home — Buying or renting? Whose name is on the lease or mortgage? How are expenses split? Who is responsible for cleaning and maintenance? Laundry? Meals? Joint or separate bedrooms?
• Property — If you have merged previously separate households, how to decide which items to keep and which to donate? Where in your new home will each of you keep personal property? Which items will be designated joint property? Who owns the vehicle(s) and pays for expenses?
• Ex-partners — Are you divorced or legally separated? If you or your new partner are still somehow involved with an ex-partner, what shall the relationship be like between your new partner and your ex? Are you in a position to limit contact between you and your ex?
• Children — Are there children from an ex-partner? How will you ensure a welcoming experience when your children visit? How will you ensure peace with your ex regarding the children? What shall be your new partner’s relationship to them?
• Time together — Assuming you are both busy people, how will you arrange time together? This may include time spent doing things together, and time alone cuddling. Want to use a schedule? How do you both feel about planning time together? Find a way not to lose sight of this critical need.
• Sex — You may have already explored sexual relations, but there is probably more to learn. The basic tactic is this: Never stop learning about mutual pleasure. And again, most important are mutual respect, honor and loving kindness.

Sex and sleep are so important as to deserve their own section. Beyond pleasuring, let us confront frequency, sleep and related alone time. The last of these is likely the easiest. Most people like to be alone together when engaged in sexual relations. Privacy is key, but finding the time may not be as easy as it seems at first. There are two common mistakes many couples make around sex. The first is assuming it will happen spontaneously. The second is confusing sex with sleep.

Say you and your partner are in the “spontaneous” camp. One evening you are both home from work and prepare a lovely late dinner together. One thing leads to another, there is some light touching, some loving words, and after a quick clean-up, you both head for the bedroom and begin making love. At the risk of sounding too clinical, here’s the question: What time is it?

Let’s assume you both enjoy making love and like to go slow and enjoy every moment, which we highly recommend. By the time the last love song plays on your sound system, it may be 1:00 or 2:00 a.m. You both fall asleep, only to be awakened by your phone alarm at 6:30 a.m. Is that enough sleep? Did you really enjoy feeling sexy while exhausted from the day?

There are certainly many factors involved in this scenario. Age, employment, routine schedules, and so on. The question is does this work for you both? Getting enough sleep is essential for good health and mental stability. The alternative is scheduling sex just like you schedule sleep, or in other words, giving the two equal attention.

Before you blow us off — schedule sex!!! Let us just say that planning a sex date offers many unique advantages. The anticipation builds to new highs, you are more awake and likely more patient, and you can get more creative with outfits, fantasy scenarios and so on. Finally, it does not compete with sleep.

What about skin-sense and sexuality? Skin-sense is simply the degree to which a person enjoys being touched. Some individuals are very fond of touching and never get enough of it. Others are so sensitive that they may require separate bedrooms, and in some sense, limited sexual activity. This is very personal, but is clearly something you should discuss with your partner.

Finally we come to embracing the future. We realize you have just settled in, you are both thrilled with your new place and everything is lovely. Nonetheless, the future awaits. What kinds of things would you each like to experience? Vacations, travel, work advancement, a bigger home? The list is potentially very long. This will take some planning, or perhaps just a series of discussions and a sense of the future as things evolve. Either way, it’s just something to keep in mind. And as a bonus, this is actually fun to talk about!

We hope you have enjoyed reading this series for men. Your feedback and questions are welcome. Please comment as you wish. Let us conclude with a love poem:

There are eight episodes in all. If you wish to review any you may have missed, subscribe now to email notifications. Show your support by buying the author a cup of coffee. Thank you for reading.

Vic Caldarola is the founder and lead facilitator of the Shine a Light Men’s Project, a men’s mindfulness program, and a member of the Still Water Mindfulness Practice Center. He holds a PhD in Communication Studies.