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I’m inspired to share some thoughts and reflections in response to the #metoo movement, especially in regards to the anger I feel from many, some of which has been directed my way and I have taken somewhat personally (even though I know on another level that it is not personal).
But first, zombies . . .
When we’re angry, The Shadow rises to the surface, ready for battle. Like a zombie, every character that it successfully silences becomes a part of its army. That is to say, every part of ourselves and one another that we shame or scare into silence becomes part of the collective shadow. Those that the shadow zombie has silenced will rise once again to silence others.
Are we doomed to endlessly repeat this cycle of anger and pain, or is there perhaps a way to interrupt it? Is there a way to bring our zombies – the disempowered parts of us that have been silenced—back to life? A way to empower them, so they move away from the impulse to attack and return to Love?
Some potential ways out of this cycle are to:
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- Explore ways to express anger that foster empathy and connection.
- Take responsibility for our reactions.
- Hold compassionate space for ourselves and one another so we feel safe enough to vulnerably express and empty out our rage and pain.
In order to create these changes, we must:
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- Develop the capacity to consciously lower our defenses and deeply consider the perspectives of others.
- Allow ourselves to step outside of our disempowering stories of victimization, if even for a moment.
- Empower ourselves by self-reflecting on what we can change and radically own within ourselves.
What does radically owning our reaction look like?
Here’s an example:
“I don’t want to fucking hear it? That’s about me. I’m the one that doesn’t want to hear it. I’m the one that’s having a reaction to it. I’m the one that’s feeling something I don’t want to feel. And I’m the one that wants to silence someone in response. Everything about my reaction is about ME, and everything I do in response is mine to own.”
This is true empowerment. And anything less will cause me to continue to disempower myself by blaming and attempting to change forces outside of me that I cannot control.
Knowing that I’m likely becoming reactive due to pain from my past, I feel empathy for my hurt little boy (inner child). I hold him in a compassionate embrace and approve of him feeling anyway that he feels, and I allow him to express in any way that he wants to express – perhaps internally, or maybe externally, depending on what feels right in the moment.
I deeply feel into his perspective and allow the anger and pain to wash over me and express itself through me.
No judgment. No silencing. No shame.
In addition to empathizing with my own pain, I can invite others in to empathize with my experience by courageously and vulnerably sharing it.
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And as I allow my inner child’s anger to be felt and expressed, it’s exposed to the light of my love and integrated into the wholeness of my being, rather than returning to the shadows because it’s been silenced once more.
What I silence internally is what screams inside me. And what I silence in others is what screams inside us both.
Hear me! Feel me! Don’t fucking silence me!
Let me exist!
Remind me that I am love!
In addition to empathizing with my own pain, I can invite others in to empathize with my experience by courageously and vulnerably sharing it. And if I radically own my reactions to the pain I feel, they’ll likely be more available to tap into empathy for the hurt parts of me.
And with that, I’ll practice what I preach and attempt to vulnerably share myself with you…
There’s a scared part of me that doesn’t want to share this post. I’m afraid of the attacks that may come my way. I’m afraid of feeling shame and doubt and unworthiness in response. I’m afraid that I have so many blind spots and am acting unconsciously, and that, by sharing this, I may be doing more harm than good.
I’m slowly learning to love and trust myself, but I feel that I have a long way to go. And I feel guilty and ashamed for the ways that I project my insecurities onto the world.
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This part of me has a hard time receiving expressions of anger. I want to hide from them. I spiritually bypass so I don’t have to feel my own pain that arises in response. I sometimes unconsciously pull people out of their perspectives of pain by sharing perspectives of love and perfection, and I imagine I often do this because it’s uncomfortable for me to join them in their suffering.
I don’t want to dishonor where anyone is at. I don’t want to cause anyone further pain or harm. I want to live from my heart and be a messenger of love, but I doubt myself often and am not sure how.
I want to courageously share myself with you, but certain reflections are sometimes hard to receive because I’m insecure about who I am, and about the way I show up in the world.
So I hide myself from you.
I’m slowly learning to love and trust myself, but I feel that I have a long way to go. And I feel guilty and ashamed for the ways that I project my insecurities onto the world.
I’m deeply sorry if my unconscious words or actions have ever caused you harm. And I invite you to share this with me, publicly or privately, if you have ever felt this, feel this now, or ever feel this in the future from me.
I have many shortcomings and blind spots, and I’ve found owning them to be incredibly liberating and heart-opening. I spend less time hiding behind a mask of how I want to be seen, and more time letting people see me as I really am. Feeling less of a need to hide and perform is such a relief, and frees up so much energy for intimate connection and joyful self-expression.
Perhaps it is incredibly arrogant to assume that we know the internal experience of another being, and can possibly compare our own experience of suffering to theirs.
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The more we courageously let our guards down, communicate from a place of vulnerability, take responsibility for our actions, and allow space for others to share, regardless of how their perspective feels to us, the sooner the collective wounds will heal. But the reality is that many of us don’t feel safe to lower our defenses and expose ourselves to this harsh world, because we’re so used to being attacked and silenced. And the only way this will change is if we recognize this and make new choices that create a greater sense of safety to allow the scared and vulnerable parts of ourselves to be seen.
We’ve all been hurt. We’ve all felt victimized. We’re all in pain. And we’re all in this together. And perhaps quantifying our hurt and comparing it to the pain of others doesn’t serve. Perhaps making our own pain worse or more important than someone else’s, for any reason, doesn’t help us heal as a collective.
Perhaps it is incredibly arrogant to assume that we know the internal experience of another being, and can possibly compare our own experience of suffering to theirs.
And now, an invitation to self-reflect.
If you’re noticing an impulse to silence me—to question or attack my perspective, my reason for sharing this, my privilege, etc, notice that you are making your reaction about me, and you are disempowering yourself in the process. Pointing this out is not intended as an attempt to disregard your perspective, or to blame or shame you in any way, but as an invitation to self-reflect and become more self-aware. Perhaps together we can welcome this fierce part of you that wants to empower you but doesn’t realize that its methods may be disempowering.
And perhaps together we can honor my perspective as well, even if, from your perspective, most or all of what I’m sharing sounds like a bunch of bullshit, or it feels as if I’m leaving a whole lot out. Perhaps we can welcome the part of me that feels the way it feels rather than attempting to disregard its perspective, convince it of another perspective, or shame it into silence, which may create more shadow and work against the beautiful united world we both wish to co-create.
What about others? Do you allow them to be where they’re at? I know I don’t always do so.
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I invite you to reflect on your own internal process for a moment. When a part of you expresses in a way that you don’t like or want to feel, do you attempt to talk it out of its perspective? Do you shame it into silence? How does that work out for you? Does that part of you feel heard, considered, and supported? Does it feel loved and respected, or does it want to rage against you? Does it feel empathy for your experience, or does it say, “Fuck you asshole!!” and return to the shadows and create further anger and pain?
What about others? Do you allow them to be where they’re at? I know I don’t always do so. But I want to. Why? Because I feel that true power is allowing others to be where they are. And that true healing occurs when we allow space for all voices to be heard.
This is not a call to limit anger or ask people to disregard their wounded and victimized perspectives, but rather to allow for multiple perspectives, to explore conscious ways of vulnerably communicating and allowing for rage, and to consider that a collective approach to healing in which we attempt to empathize with all perspectives may be the most inclusive and impactful way to go about integrating the shadow and creating lasting change.
Because we are all One Being, so we heal as One.
What I’m sharing is but one perspective of many. It is not right or wrong. It does not need to be argued with or attacked or disproved. And if there is a part of you that wishes to do that, I offer a couple things I like to consider:
The first is whether to allow this part of me to express itself internally within me, to express externally with others, to allow all forms of expression, or to silence it and not allow it to express itself at all. When exploring options, I consider which choice will allow this part of me to rise from the shadows in a way that supports my own integration process as well as collective integration. (Hint: It’s never the last option.)
The second choice is about the form of expression. I consider how I can express myself in a way that will lead to the greatest opportunity for empathy and collective healing. The greatest potential for heart-connection.
Hm, how to end this?…How about I leave you with a final question:
How can we honor the perspectives of others while at the same time honoring our own?
A version of this post was originally posted on TroyCohen.Wordpress.com and is republished here with permission from the author.
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Photo credit: Photo by Greg Rakozy on Unsplash
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