Even the Deepest Love is Just a Habit and Dependence

How do you explain love? It’s hard to put into words. But what we call deep love is nothing more than a habit and an excessive dependence on that feeling.

All the love you build up is just a habit you form. All your close relationships are defined by time. So, the more you love someone, the deeper your feelings for them, it’s really just because you’ve spent so much time together that you’ve formed a habit and become deeply dependent.

Think about it. You eat milk and eggs for breakfast every day. You’ve done it for years, maybe even decades. You’re used to it, and you’d feel off if you didn’t have it. But look around. Some people eat donuts and coffee, while others don’t eat breakfast at all. Everyone’s still living their lives, right? And you don’t think they’re doing worse than you, do you? Even if you do, they might not think they’re doing badly.

Love is the same. It’s just a habit and a dependence. The real question is, what are you used to, and who are you dependent on?

Being used to someone and depending on them isn’t a bad thing. But if that love brings you pain and hurt, and only pain and hurt, and you’re still deeply dependent on it, you need to tell yourself that you’re not letting go of love or affection, but of a habit and dependence.

It’s hard to change a habit, especially when you’re only willing to change the ones you want to. We naturally resist and reject habits that we’re forced to change.

So, when someone gets hurt by love, when they have to change this habit, they usually don’t want to, don’t accept it, don’t adapt, and even can’t do it.

But you can change any habit if you want to. Even the deepest love can be changed. No one can’t live without another. Even if you never find love again, you have to believe you can still live. If you work hard, you’ll live a good life, a fulfilling life.

Dependence is the same. Two people in a relationship, because of their long-term life together, become deeply dependent on each other in all aspects. Even those who betray their partner are still dependent on them, they just ignore or block out that feeling when they betray them. Also, when they choose to have an affair, they’re already starting to “detach” from their dependence on you. Or, they’re already starting to get used to life without you.

But the hardest thing for the betrayed person is this part. The cheating is a shock to you, and a big part of it is that your dependence is shattered. You can’t rely on the person or the love that you used to depend on so deeply anymore.

Losing that dependence leads to a chain reaction of negative feelings, including insecurity, frustration, helplessness, and more. So, many people, unable to accept or handle it, impulsively try to save the relationship, get the person back.

But what if the person is determined not to come back? What if the love is gone forever? What do you do?

Many people get stuck here, forever unable to move on…

But at this point, you forget the person you can rely on most: yourself.

When you can’t depend on a relationship or a person anymore, no matter what you choose to do, there’s one lesson you have to learn: learn to depend on yourself. If you go through the pain and betrayal of love and eventually learn to rely on yourself, then all that pain and hurt becomes truly valuable and meaningful.

Always remember: Relying on others is not as good as relying on yourself. If you can’t depend on others, you must learn to depend on yourself.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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From The Good Men Project on Medium

What Does Being in Love and Loving Someone Really Mean?

My 9-Year-Old Accidentally Explained Why His Mom Divorced Me

The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex

The Internal Struggle Men Battle in Silence

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