Falling in Love 101 | How do we actually fall in love?

Ahhh, falling in love. It happens so often we have songs for it, books about it, movies, shows, and its own media-consumption category called romance!

Falling in love can be a time when people feel alive again. And many people believe that the purpose of life is to fall in love — or to find that lifelong partner.

Now how do we actually fall in love with someone?

Well, first it’s important to know that as we meet someone our mind is already getting billions of bits of information about someone that we don’t even notice.

One study suggests that the subconscious mind processes about 400 billion bits of information per second! Compare this to your conscious mind, which processes only about 2,000 bits of information per second.

What does this mean? Our mind gets attracted to people subconsciously before we are even conscious of it. We can be into someone and consciously not even know why!

Our subconscious controls 95–97% of our actions, so that means our reasons for being attracted to someone can really be beneath our awareness (until we become more self-aware).

So how do we get attracted to someone? And is falling in love really just falling in lust?

Well, before there is love (in the unconditional sense), there is really lust. We fall into infatuation with someone. This infatuation tends to happen quickly and feels more sexual, like a passion for someone.

High levels of dopamine and a related hormone, norepinephrine, are released during attraction. These help us feel those giddy, energetic feelings, that can make us stay up late thinking about the person with heightened alerts.

After the lust-hormone-driven phase is over and those love chemicals subside, we enter into more of an attachment phase. This allows us to see our partner(s) more for who they are.

When you use to think it was adorable when your partner put their feet on the car, you now see it as it is. This is also considered the power struggle phase of a relationship.

Although a lot of couples break up here, it actually is the chance for unconditional love if we push through this phase into later relationship stages like the bliss phase (which is honeymoon 2.0).

As we get past lust and into the feelings of love, endorphins and hormones vasopressin and oxytocin flood the body which creates a sense of greater happiness and security that is conducive to a long-term relationship.

How do we fall in love and choose who we ended up having lust for?

Photo by Ryan Jacobson on Unsplash

Attraction!

Well, there are three ways to get attracted to someone in detail here, but essentially it’s the unmet needs someone meets in your life, the traits they represent to you, and the stories they fulfill in your mind.

So maybe we are attracted to that hot-workout gym person because they…

met our unmet needs for safety, protection, and health
they represent the traits of being good-looking and physically fit, and
if they like us, then in our mind we will fill like we are good enough and worthy

OR maybe we are attracted to the skater-boy in the park across the street because they…

met our unmet needs for freedom and excitement
they represent the traits of laid-back, easygoing
if they like us, we feel free and loveable

Those are two examples. But all of this is to show that your subconscious mind is quickly processing someone by the way they make eye contact, body language, and what they say, ALL to make this understanding of if you become attracted to them.

Okay, but how do I fall in love if I’m afraid of it?

Okay, so we just discussed how lust and attraction work. And how you might fall in love with someone after the initial lust phase.

And ultimately at the end of the day, when the lust fades, that love you have for someone becomes a choice.

But some people might not choose to love someone. They might ask “how do they fall in love” because they feel incapable of doing so. Now, sometimes that can be very great. Maybe the person is not right for you, maybe they are toxic, or just not what you want.

On the other hand, maybe the person is great. But you are still pushing them away. OR we might block love by being attracted to people we know we can’t have. This includes emotionally unavailable people, people in already existing relationships, and people who are too far from us to stay connected.

So how do you actually choose to love, to “fall in love” with someone after all those honeymoon, happy chemicals go away?

In this case, it’s important to see the ways you might be subconsciously blocking love from your life.

Photo by Surface on Unsplash

What might be some ways I might be blocking love?

1. One of the main ways we might block love is by not investing time to grow and learn from past relationships. If you do not learn and notice the patterns of your past relationships, they will end up repeating in future dynamics.

For example: Let’s say in past relationships, you were always attracted to people who underappreciated or didn’t listen to you. This is a lesson to learn. To prevent this pattern from continuing, you have to learn how to appreciate yourself and listen to yourself more (e.g., checking in with your body, meditation). By changing the relationship with yourself, you change the type of people you are attracted to. Because our subconscious mind is attracted to what is familiar. And we are most familiar we how we treat ourselves.

2. Another reason is that you might not feel comfortable being vulnerable or open. This is an understandable thing — vulnerability can be scary! But with someone safe, it can be a beautiful way to become more connected and feel less lonely in your own life. The way to get more use to vulnerability is to become more vulnerable with yourself (e.g., journaling), and to practice sharing vulnerable things with people who love and care about you. More here. But vulnerability is the way to get beyond the surface with someone to really allow love in.

3. You are disconnected in relationships and have not taken the time to know yourself and what you need. Knowing yourself is key to having success in relationships. You have to know your needs, what’s important to you, and what your non-negotiables/red flags are in relationships. These are all important to really find someone who is the right match for you and to fall in love with someone.

Photo by Tyler Nix on Unsplash

Falling in Love

So! I hope this guide of information on falling in love gives you more clarity on the process. Love can truly be an amazing thing to experience and falling in love can really be a great joy in our life.

❤

—

This post was previously published on medium.com.

***