I am usually reluctant to publicly call out women, because certain men have already cornered the market on that. When I call attention to some men’s bad behaviour, they quickly retort “yeah, but some women are just as bad.” I hate to admit it (really hate to), but they’re right.
And I would go one further. The women who know what it’s like to fight through the thickets of sexism, misogyny, harassment, and discrimination and yet still won’t help other women. Well that’s far worse.
I think Madeleine Albright put it best:
“There’s a special place in hell for women who don’t help other women.”
But it’s not always easy to identify these women. They often masquerade as role models, philanthropists, and mentors. They made it to the top, they’re on the boards, they’re on the stage, they win the awards. But when the cameras are off, behind closed doors…they’ll throw a bitch under the bus.
Every time one of “those” women wins an award, or is publicly lauded for her efforts in “breaking the glass ceiling”, I cringe. Because it sends a message to all the women they’ve stepped over or left out in the cold to get there.
The message: This is how you get ahead.
No, it’s how they get ahead.
Obviously not every woman who receives an award is one of “those” women, but the numbers aren’t encouraging. Especially when there are so many other women out there doing great things, helping other women, and maintaining their integrity.
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What gets rewarded
So why aren’t they the ones getting the awards or promotion?
Could it be because most women are not comfortable self-promoting, or putting their hand up for recognition? Likely.
Could it be that some women have learned how to mimic the behaviour they see from those who built the system? Possibly.
Could it be that as a society, we reward and look for the wrong things? I think we’re getting warmer.
As a society, we gravitate toward glitz, glamour, and success. We like to back a winner, the quarterback, the class president. The person everyone’s already voted for.
The more flashy a person is, the more we put them on a pedestal. And the more easily they can hop from ivory tower to ivory tower.
The more successful they become, the more we award and reward them.
Like the woman who heads up a charity, raising money for a great cause. But has created such a toxic work environment all of her staff are sick, quitting, or depressed?
She gets an award.
Or the woman who broke the ultimate glass ceiling, who’s on all the boards and women’s groups, but when a woman comes to her for help, she turns her back.
She’s a god.
And the woman who gets an award for being a “powerful woman”, but chose a lucrative contract over removing a bullying boss from a workplace leaving him to fire all senior female staff members.
She’s a leader.
What about the women’s organization whose membership is invitation-only. Seriously, there’s actually a women’s network of the “most accomplished women in the world” excluding other women.
You can’t make this up.
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We need a values check
What message are we sending to young women, women still trying to build their careers, women struggling with systemic discrimination when we celebrate these false gods and faux feminists?
Most wouldn’t know these details. Most look at these glossy profiles and accomplishments and think “wow, I’d love to meet her some day.” Until they do.
We need a values check as a society. One that focuses on impact, integrity, and community.
I was speaking with someone who is building an advisory board and is committed to diversity. She is a woman. One of the good ones. She’s not looking for tokenism or cronyism, she wants highly qualified people.
She said it’s not always easy to find the right candidates who are also women or underrepresented groups. But “you have to dig a little deeper, work a little harder.” They’re out there. They’re just not standing atop a pedestal waving their hands to get noticed.
They’re working their asses off and holding their hand out to help other women in the spare time they don’t have.
Can we as a society agree that it’s worth it to dig a little deeper, work a little harder to find these women.
If they’re willing to do it, why shouldn’t we be?
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
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