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Have you ever read something that felt powerfully true and powerfully disturbing at the same time?
I’ve been studying a book called “Beyond Success and Failure – Ways to Self-Reliance and Maturity”. In this book, William and Marguerite Beecher are unmerciful in telling the truth about personal happiness.
The book was originally published in the 1960’s and has an abrupt style of writing reminiscent of Sargent Joe Friday from the TV Show Dragnet. (if you’re under 50, think Detective Cho from the Mentalist)
I think that’s why I like this book so much. It makes no apologies for being clear and direct.
Here’s a quote from the book:
“Dependency always degrades. It degrades by mutual enslavement of both the dependent and the one on whom he leans. Both are equally guilty of dependence. The individual who is physically and psychologically self-reliant will not allow anyone to lean on him, as it would result in his enslavement if he permitted it. It becomes evident, then, that the one who leans and the one who allows himself to be leaned on are equally lacking in self-sufficiency. They are in a kind of mutual admiration society, which amounts to a conspiracy to exploit each other. Both are in a condition of second-class citizenship, although one may imagine himself mistakenly as the strong one in the relationship. The fact remains that they degrade, inhibit and enslave each other and that, in such cases, two is less than one”.
They don’t pull any punches, do they?
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Second-Class Citizenship in Your Marriage
Feeling like a second-class citizen in your marriage is usually accompanied by feelings of being under-valued. You feel subordinate to your partner and you feel your needs are less important than their needs.
A truly self-reliant person is not looking to be completed or filled up by another.
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There is a chilly awareness of feeling deprived, empty, lonely, weak, defenseless, inadequate, minimized or frightened.
These feelings make you sad and desperate. You may continuously pursue your partner to fix these feelings or you may withdraw yourself from the relationship and seek solace elsewhere.
This is second-class citizenship.
And the only way it can happen is if you allow it to happen.
A truly self-reliant person is not looking to be completed or filled up by another. He knows that the cold feelings of rejection and emotional betrayal are not caused by another person. Those feelings are the result of lacking reliance in himself for truly knowing his own value and true source of well-being.
This kinds of stirs you up, doesn’t it?
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What About Interdependence?!
You may be thinking, “Yeah, you’re talking about unhealthy co-dependence. But what about the interdependent nature of a relationship?”
That doesn’t sound like interdependence to me. It sounds like a prison.
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You may believe that a “healthy relationship” is one where you can count on each other to meet your unmet childhood needs. That a “good spouse” will learn how to avoid your emotional land mines and do whatever it takes to not piss you off.
You may believe it’s the right of each person to depend on the other to fulfill their need for self-esteem, significance, personal value and sense of well-being.
That doesn’t sound like interdependence to me. It sounds like a prison.
I believe that interdependence applies to the responsibility for BOTH partners to “mind the store”.
Both must be conscious, committed and proactive in protecting the agreed values of the relationship – not the egos within the relationship. Your ego is your job.
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What Interdependence Really Means
Interdependence means choosing each day to take action in protecting the environment in which both people can learn, grow and thrive as individuals and partners.
It is only the truly self-reliant person who has the clarity and courage to take the loving actions necessary to possibly repair a crumbling environment.
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If you have agreed that your relationship values include an environment of acceptance, affection, warmth, support, honesty, appreciation, adoration, emotional safety and vulnerability…then those are where your interdependence lies.
Both partners must commit to preserving those values through intentional and unconditional action. Without an interdependent joint-effort, the environment will crumble and turn toxic. And you already know what happens when that happens.
The importance of self-reliance cannot be understated.
It is only the truly self-reliant person who can prioritize his accountability and commitment to his relationship values over his expectations from his relationship.
It is only the truly self-reliant person who has the clarity and courage to take the loving actions necessary to possibly repair a crumbling environment.
And it is only the truly self-reliant person who can confidently make the correct decisions if he determines his partner is unwilling or incapable of creating that environment with him.
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The road to self-reliance is an amazing and fulfilling trip. The journey should be a key part of your mission in life and love. I wrote this free ebook for men who want to change their relationship environment and create the life they want. Download “The Hard-to-Swallow Secret to Saving Your Marriage“ HERE.
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This Post is republished on Medium.
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Photo credit: iStock
why is this written in HE–???? I have this problem with my husband and I am a SHE
Careful, if you start teaching men to be self-reliant again, their need and desire for marriage diminishes in turn especailly in the modern climate of Domestic abuse allegations for simply not agreeing with all of Cupcakes demands which the court will call emotional abuse. I was raised to be self-reliant. My father has told me that he wanted me ready at 18 to face the world, because at that point I could do as I pleased. He knew if he didn’t prepare me for adulthood before then, that I would make devastating mistakes. He did a pretty good job, though… Read more »
Bitter much? Your baggage called…it wants to be shoved back in the closet.
What about being a second or even third class citizen in the workplace by your bosses? How about kids being treated as nobodies whether at home, school, or when they graduate from school and go into the workplace.