Frustrated by Dating Apps?

You might have been told that in order to find love, you should find a hobby or that you’ll find it when you least expect it.

The problem with all of this advice is that it lacks nuance. And if it’s applied the wrong way, it can actually end up doing us more harm than good.

What inspired me to make this video is hearing that one of the biggest frustrations people have today: they cannot seem to find success in online dating. They hate the apps.

If you’re a guy, maybe it’s because you get filtered out for your height or your job. If you’re a woman, maybe you feel you get filtered out for your age or your looks.

We are all being judged on things we cannot control. These apps are not designed for people to gauge us on things we can control or things we’ve worked on about ourselves, like how kind we are or how much value we bring to someone’s life.

I have been a love life coach for nearly 20 years, and I have coached hundreds of thousands of people in this area. Only recently have such large numbers of people said to me, “Matthew, I am having trouble getting even a first date.”

Well, I can help you.

I met my wife Audrey offline, and as someone who is now happily married—who, when single, could not use the apps—I have some tips I can share on how you can find love offline in a way that feels effortless.

And I know because I was doing these things myself.

By the way, subscribe and like this video so that other people in your situation can find it too.

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Here is a summary of the transcript from YouTube, slightly edited with AI.

It’s Not That Simple…

It’s not that the “find a hobby” advice is necessarily wrong. It’s great to have a diversified life and hobbies we’re into.

It’s just that this advice is often given as a response to our grievances about finding love.

If you’re talking to a friend about a phone call you had with someone you met on a dating app—a phone call where that person asked you over to their apartment instead of asking you on a date—your friend might respond by saying, “Get off the apps. Have you tried joining a running club? I know a married couple that met that way.”

Your friend may be well-meaning, but the idea of a running club might make you want to push back immediately against your friend.

Or maybe you’re an introvert. Or you don’t have the time because you’re a single parent just trying to make ends meet.

The advice can leave you feeling frustrated and unseen.

On the opposite end of the spectrum, we get advice telling us we’ll find love when we’re not looking for it, implying that the great master key to finding love—unlike any other area of life—is passivity.

But exactly how do we sit back passively when love and a meaningful relationship is something we want more than anything in the world?

How do we give up our agency and power in making that goal happen?

Yes, there’s luck involved in meeting someone, but we also know there are things we can do to increase our chances.

In this video, I want to show you how to increase those chances offline if the online world isn’t for you.

The Flame Method

In a recent live event I did, I mentioned something I call the Flame Method and how we should apply it in 2026.

In the Flame Method, I talked about the importance of community when it comes to finding love.

But how can you build community if you’re an introvert, have limited time, or simply prefer to watch TV and scroll your phone?

I want to introduce four ways to increase offline interactions and reframe how you think about them.

Stick around for the last one because it’s very personal to me.

1. How to Find Love While Not Looking

Number one: how to not look for love and find love at the same time.

In a video I recently did on obliquity, I talked about the concept in detail. Obliquity means getting to our goals indirectly by focusing on other things that don’t always seem connected but bring us that goal as a byproduct.

This is where something like joining a running club has merit.

But where this advice doesn’t work is if you join that running club with the sole purpose of meeting someone there.

If you do that, you’re going to burn out pretty quickly and get jaded when it doesn’t happen.

Your focus on finding love will make you think every conversation you have at that running club could be with the love of your life. And that’s going to make you behave unnaturally.

A key concept I first heard from Tim Ferriss was the idea of having more than one way to win.

If you get involved in a hobby you’re genuinely interested in and think, “I don’t care if the love of my life is here or not. I just really want to learn pottery,” then the win is that you’re creating a rich life, becoming a more interesting person, or taking home a delightful new dish.

You’re no longer solely attached to the outcome of finding love.

Which means you don’t burn out after three bad vases with inadequate wedging and neglected compression—and the only cutie there is already taken and has a kid.

The cutie is my wife.

“Audrey, do you think I over-fired this?”

Create Micro-Interactions

It’s not enough to simply invest in things we’d like to do or be willing to try. It’s important to be present in those moments.

In a world where we’re glued to our phones and wireless AirPods, it’s easy to avoid being in the room.

Instead of talking to people at pottery class, you might put in an AirPod and listen to music. Instead of starting a conversation at a museum, you might scroll on your phone, take photos, and leave.

Instead, practice what I call micro-interactions.

Micro-interactions are minimal risk, outcome-independent, and socially connective.

While you’re always open to the possibility that anything could lead to the love of your life, you’re not doing it solely for that reason.

When you have more than one way of winning, your energy keeps getting replenished because you’re always winning in one way or another.

Ironically, that keeps you in the game longer, which makes finding love much more likely.

Maybe you’re saying, “Matthew, I have no hobbies. I don’t want pottery, running clubs, or pickleball.”

Maybe you’re the kind of person who likes sitting at home reading, watching TV, and ordering food—which essentially describes me and my wife.

2. Do the Social Version of the Thing You Already Do

If you enjoy reading, great. Go read at a beautiful coffee shop where you’ll be around other people.

If you enjoy educational YouTube content, go see your favorite creator live on tour or attend a lecture at your local community college.

If you enjoy ordering food at home, occasionally take it to a local park and eat around other people.

Or even as a baby step, instead of ordering delivery, go pick it up yourself.

I know it sounds small, but you’re only ever one life-affirming interaction away from feeling good about yourself.

You can have a great conversation with a waiter and think, “I’m proud of me. I feel more confident now. I’ve got momentum.”

Then you’re more ready to talk to another person.

I think of it like standing at the edge of a swimming pool. If the water’s cold, jumping in feels like a huge deal. But once you’re in, you can’t imagine standing on the side anymore.

It’s just about getting in the pool.

From Casual to Committed

If you’re watching this, there’s a chance you’ve already done some of these things and met someone.

Maybe you’re fond of them and they’re fond of you. You’ve been seeing each other every week, but it doesn’t seem to be going anywhere.

You might be asking, “How do I go from casual dating to actual commitment?”

I have a free training program designed for exactly that challenge called Casual to Committed.

Thousands of people have gone through it.

I show you how to take a loose connection or situationship and turn it into a genuine commitment while keeping your self-respect intact and without feeling like you’re chasing someone.

You can watch it for free at getcommitment.com.

3. Practice Saying “Yes”

I met my wife Audrey at a friend’s engagement party.

I didn’t want to go, but I thought I should get out of my pajamas on a cold December night and do something.

I’m glad I did because if I hadn’t said yes to that party, I never would have met the love of my life—or my son.

But I didn’t expect to meet her there. I just expected to spend time with old friends from high school.

What I took for granted was that during the years we hadn’t seen each other, those friends had met new friends.

And one of those new friends was Audrey.

We ended up talking for seven or eight hours that night.

Actually, Audrey was the one who approached me first. She asked me about a boxing match on the TV in the pub.

Not once has she ever asked me about boxing since.

But it worked—and here we are.

For anyone wondering whether I knew she was “the one” immediately: of course not.

I just knew I was talking to an awesome person.

The funny thing is that meeting Audrey reinforced a lesson I had been teaching for over a decade: meeting the person who changes your life really can happen in any moment.

If we give up too soon, we may miss those moments because we become completely closed off.

Staying in the Game

I think the key is to stay alive—not literally, but alive in the game.

Stay alive to opportunities as they present themselves and don’t burn out or become so disillusioned that you shut down.

Everything I’ve shared in this video is designed to fit seamlessly into your life in a sustainable way so you don’t get burned out and remove yourself from the game.

These ideas are also designed to increase our sense of community, which is one of the best ways to find relationships offline.

One could argue that the only reason I was invited to that engagement party was community.

Even though I hadn’t nurtured those friendships for years, being connected to that community is what got me invited.

Community—whether old or new—creates context, openness, and repeated exposure to the same people.

And that leads us toward meaningful connections that go beyond shallow dating metrics like height and age that so often disqualify people online.

Let me know in the comments which of these ideas you need more of and why.

And who knows? Your comment might give someone else the courage to try it too.

I’ll be in the comments reading and responding.

I’ll see you next time.

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This post was previously published on YouTube.

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