The end of a marriage is rough, especially if the relationship was toxic. Here’s how to recover.
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Here we are in the month of June, which has traditionally meant one thing, the ringing of more wedding bells than at any other time of year. 2015 is no exception, with an estimated 115,000 weddings expected to take place in the U.S. this month. Unfortunately, statistics tell the tale of another, much less celebratory tradition—divorce. The numbers say that the bells announcing weddings in June—or any other month—will eventually be tolling the death knell for about half of all marriages.
Don’t feel foolish for having been attracted to someone so troubled.
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No divorce is ever easy or painless, but a divorce due in large part to your partner engaging in pathological behavior—whether because of untreated mental illness, unresolved trauma, substance abuse/addiction or a combination of all three—can be particularly hard to navigate and recover from.
While it’s true that “it takes two” to either make or break a marriage–when issues of that magnitude come into play–the relationship is thrown completely out of balance. All couples have issues to deal with, but there is a world of difference between consistently squeezing the toothpaste from the middle of the tube and consistently blowing the entire mortgage payment on alcohol or gambling—or shoes, for that matter.
Not being in the mood now and then is not the same thing as avoiding all forms of physical intimacy for months, even years, at a time. And slamming your keys on the counter because traffic was a nightmare is one thing, but punching a hole in the wall is another matter entirely.
When your relationship is plagued by that level of dysfunction and your partner refuses to accept professional intervention and treatment, chances are very slim that that your marriage can—or even should—survive. Regardless of who finally initiates the divorce—and no matter how much you know it’s the “best” choice—you are still left with a set of complicated emotions to sort through. If you are recovering from a toxic marriage, here are some “Don’ts” that helped me manage the early days after my troubled marriage crashed and burned rather spectacularly.
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1. Don’t blame yourself for failing to “fix” your ex. You did not fail. You can comfort, support and encourage another person, but you cannot “fix” them. Most of us know this, of course, and yet we still try, believing we’ll be the one exception. Pathological behavior patterns are complex and multi-layered and unraveling them requires the expertise of a trained professional and the commitment of a compliant client/patient who is ready to do the work it takes to get better. It was never your job to heal your spouse, so stop blaming yourself.
2. Don’t feel foolish for having been attracted to someone so troubled. If you are thinking, “There must be something horribly wrong with me for having fallen for my ex,” stop. It is entirely possible to fall in love with someone who is deeply troubled without being a masochist, codependent or an enabler. Your ex’s problems may not have existed or been apparent when you first fell in love. You may have been too young or naïve to comprehend what you were getting yourself into. And, it is also possible that you were deceived and manipulated by a master. Even if you did get involved with your ex believing you could save them, you are out now and can address those issues in yourself.
3. Don’t second guess every decision you have ever made. Don’t let one wrong decision—that may have even presented itself as the right decision at the time—convince you that you cannot trust your judgment. You have made many good decisions in your life. Make a list and study it until you believe it. You even made good choices within the confines of your troubled marriage. You sought help when the trouble surfaced; you tried to steer your spouse to treatment, and you pledged to support them in their healing—those are good and compassionate decisions. The fact that your ex wasn’t ready to get better is no reflection on you, so let it go.
In time, you will move past the pain, really.
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4. Don’t feel duplicitous for grieving. Even though ending your marriage was the best and healthiest decision for you, that doesn’t mean you want to dance on its grave. Don’t minimize the loss you have experienced. It’s a loss every bit as real as a death. Indeed, it is a death—of a dream, of a hope and a vision that you had for your future. Troubled as your marriage was, there were likely good times as well and things that you miss about your ex. You can hate someone’s destructive behavior and the damage they have caused, yet still love and miss the positive, even endearing, aspects of them. That doesn’t make you hypocritical; it makes you human.
5. Don’t close the door on love. It may seem hard to believe now, but you really can love again. And next time around, it will be with your eyes wide open, your antennae up and your heart much wiser. I have been fortunate enough to learn that “love is lovelier the second time around” is much more than a song lyric. I am living it now.
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And more than anything, remember that you are strong and resilient, more than capable of bouncing back better than ever. Reach out for the resources and support you need to get through this turbulent and confusing transition. In time, you will move past the pain, really. Just be patient and believe in yourself.
What advice has helped you navigate the break-up of a toxic marriage?
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Photo: Flickr/ Nathan Congleton
This is a good article and I will Tweet it. The thing I would add is something that many people do not wish to consider and will never. It is my truth that we attract to us certain types of people. What is it in us that sometimes repeatedly attracts the same type of dysfunction. This is a spiritual/metaphysical view, rejected by many in our culture because we prefer to blame and wish to play victim. It is one that has resonated with me and helped me unpack some of my baggage and lineage. That said, all the above applies… Read more »
Absolutely! And if you don’t figure out your own stuff, you will just keep meetiing more of the same “out there.” No matter how different the packaging appears in your new partner, underneath you will find the same person over and over again because you are still the same. It’s quite stunning,really, how our secret “radar” seeks out the same situations–with partners, friends, jobs, everything–until the unconscious becomes conscious. The worst kind of déjà vu! 😉 See it, heal it, release–hard work, but the only way for authentic peace. Thank you so much for your insight and honesty. XO
I could not agree with this article much more than I do. Other than I did not try to fix my now ex husband, because the narcissist that he is believes he is perfect and the ultimate manipulator I’ve ever had such bad luck of knowing and married 20 years ago. Divorced two years ago, he still runs his smear campaign about me successfully and the only way I’ve found it possible to live in the same world as him is to have zero contact with him or anyone we’ve ever known as a couple. He even managed to convince… Read more »
It’s so hard to disengage from that level of aggression and negativity and I really feel for you. Give yourself time to recover and heal and really examine how you want the rest of your life to look. Thank you so much for sharing your experience. Wishing you all good things!
Agreed. #2 is probably the hardest accept once you’ve gotten to the stage of re-examining history and trying to figure out all the ‘why’s. Yes there were little signs even back then, but just as any healthy person does – we realize no one is perfect, including us, and with a bit of humility we probably accept the fact that even we had those little signs back then too. As we grow, we have to take a leap of faith in the assumption that our partner will grow with us. Some of us learn that they eventually lean and grow… Read more »
Yes, I really relate to what you’re saying. I still have difficulty with self-forgiveness just about every time I make a mistake! I let everyone else off the hook so easily, but seem to leave myself swinging a lot of the time. But, like you said, if we really do the work of examining our history and releasing the guilt, we do go into a reboot with a lot better info about ourselves and what we need/want and ultimately a much better chance of finding that. Thank you so much for sharing your experience so honestly. Wishing you a great… Read more »
#2 and #3: Very wise words….Thanks for these words….I think the hardest part is just forgiving myself….Everything seems so much clearer in the retrospectoscope…..I think I have aged so much these past few years….better off with fewer troublesome people in my life!
I hear you, Leia, about feeling like it has aged you. But, once you start to recover, and like you said, the troublesome people are not controlling your life any more, you will get a second wind. Let go of the woulda-coulda-shoulda and be good to yourself because you deserve a healthy, peaceful life! Thank you so much for sharing.