I’ve decided to give up online dating and go back to my ex-boyfriend, even though we’re not speaking.
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Last week, I saw this profile online: THIRD GENERATION PLUMBER. WHOLE HEARTEDLY IN LOVE WITH MY WIFE!!!!!!!!! AVID FISHERMAN!!!!!!!! ENJOYS TATTOOS!!!!! LOVES COLD BEERS AND FRIED CHICKEN!!!!!!!
I can’t. I can’t look at one more profile and not do myself in. I’ve decided to give up online dating and go back to my ex-boyfriend, even though we’re not speaking.
My experience with online dating has simply been about staring at men’s photos and descriptions of themselves and repeating the words “I can’t” over and over.
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But I do know a lot of people have met their “soul mates” via some form of online dating. I think that’s wonderful and that they are extremely lucky to have met the woman or man or their dreams. But my personal experience with online dating has simply been about staring at men’s photos and descriptions of themselves and repeating the words “I can’t” over and over. Then I promptly call my mother, my best friend, or anyone to share the sheer ridiculousness and insanity of “viable candidates” online. To me, it’s simply an endless source of entertainment — some of which is comical, a lot which seems comical, but really borders on sad and pathetic. Yes, I know I’m very picky, jaded, and (somewhat) of a bitch, but that’s not why online dating isn’t working for me.
Here are my top five reasons:
1) Trying to Cover Every Base – I understand wanting to seem like you have mass appeal, but the truth is each one of us is unique and that needs to be expressed more, rather than trying to get hundreds of responses by being extremely “general” and throwing out such a wide net. By writing things like — “I can stay in or go out, I love expensive restaurants and dive bars, and I like to sit and stand” — it is obvious that you are trying to be very neutral and cover all the bases, as if you fit in anywhere, with anyone at all times. We get it. You’re the easiest most accommodating person on earth. Right. So are we.
“I can stay in or go out. I like to sit, I like to stand.” Quit trying to generate hundreds of responses by being too general.
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2) Ridiculous and Gratuitous Photographs – We want to see what you look like and what kind of shape you’re in. That means a clear, current photo of your face at a reasonable distance from the camera — without sunglasses, hat, scuba diving mask, or ski goggles. We don’t need to see pictures of your friends, ex-girlfriends, children, nieces, nephews, cats, parrots or snakes. We also don’t need to see pictures of you engaging in every activity under the sun or under the surface of the ocean. Not to mention that this makes me feel very inadequate with the minimal amount of sports I participate in on a regular basis — which is none, with the exception of sitting at home laughing at your pictures.
Other popular pictures with no purpose or appeal: sky diving, zip lining, riding a camel, kissing a dolphin, Halloween costumes, posing with Winnie the Pooh, or holding a dead fish. The dead fish pictures — or, as I like to call them, “Fish Trophies” — are my particular favorite. And by favorite I mean I detest them more than anything. Maybe it’s just a Florida thing, I don’t know. What I do know is that I find them completely disgusting. Funny, but my friends and I have never sat around saying how much men holding dead fish turns us on.
Maybe it’s just a Florida thing, but my friends and I have never sat around saying how much men holding dead fish turns us on.
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Other wastes of time are: gratuitous pictures of sunsets, beaches, mountains, and golf courses – especially when you’re not in them! We all know what those things look like. And obviously you’re posting a picture of a sunset because you’re married and can’t show your face. Blurry or sideways pictures? No excuse for that. Oh, by the way, if you don’t have a picture, why don’t you just shoot yourself in the foot? Posting only one picture – it better be really good. Three to five pictures are normal and sufficient. Posting 17 pictures is mental illness territory. It’s a dating site, not a coffee table book of your worldly adventures. Note: posing with alcohol in your hand in more than three or four pictures is not only an awesomely huge red flag, it’s also a great pictorial audition for rehab. My prediction is that we will break up in six months or less over this.
3) Grammar and Punctuation (or lack there of) – Unfortunately, proper punctuation and grammar is nothing more than a pleasant surprise these days. I don’t know how people get past third grade without knowing the difference between “you’re” and “your,” “too” and “to,” “weather” and “whether,” let alone make it to the “real world.” It’s actually mind-boggling and quite upsetting. I get emails like this: “I love you pictures look like nothing invade you” and “hi how ar eyou happy Monday hope your having a great day.” I simply can’t.
4) Cliches – Have a mind of your own, and come up with some original thoughts. Don’t make your profile so cookie-cutter and predictable. Here are the most commonly overused clichés you should try to avoid:
“I work hard and play hard.” I literally cringe every time I read this. Even if it’s true please try to find a new way to phrase it. It’s so childish and overused. I also associate “play hard” with alcohol or drugs which I don’t partake in, so that is a personal turn off for me.
“Love to laugh and have fun.” I mean, are there a lot of people you know who don’t like to laugh and have fun? Are those the same people who don’t like to have sex? Can someone explain why this needs to be mentioned over and over again?
“My family is very important to me/My kids are my priority.” I guess this is to separate themselves from the lowlifes whose families aren’t important to them? Or people whose kids are their second or third priorities after working and playing hard? It’s like when people say they hate needles. I always think: “As opposed to the people who love them?”
“I like to live life to the fullest.” We all do. Next.
“My friends would describe me as . . .” Why can’t you just describe yourself? We don’t know you, so we don’t know your friends. Be secure enough to talk about yourself in the first person — you’re an adult, supposedly. Be honest, and be yourself. As for me, my friends would describe me as an unfriendly bitch, my parents would describe me as a pain in the ass, and my ex-boyfriend said if I was a Care Bear I’d be “I Don’t Care” Bear.
“I’m not into drama or games.” I’m sorry, but if you say that you’re not into drama, it means you either are the drama or you attract drama. You also don’t need to say that you’re not into games, because no one is. That’s like saying you’re not looking for an alcoholic or a schizophrenic. It doesn’t need to be said. Major red flag.
5) Keep it short and simple – Most guys are good with keeping it short and simple, but I have seen some emails that are seven paragraphs long with an entire autobiography, as well as asking 52 questions about me. Please don’t do this. Period. Also, there’s no need to list every country, city, and UNESCO World Heritage site you’ve ever visited.
For more information on online dating and tons of gratuitous pictures of me doing nothing, please visit my website: www.depressedhotgirl.com.
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Photo courtesy of the author.
My relationship was restored, my boyfriend is back, our love is unconditional, dr_mack@yahoo. com made this possible… !!!#
Women who say ” not into drama” are probably sedated or need to be.
Pics of men with fish means-this is what I am into , you may or may not be into it, I am. It is blunt and direct. If you are looking for a weak man to push around then keep walking.
Just sayin
May I add the pic taken in the bathroom with full view of the toilet. Ugh!! Or the selfie in the bathroom mirror… Total turn off….I realize the light might be better but honestly don’t you have a friend that can take your pic… and pics with no shirt, I’m in my late 40’s… not many men my age can pull that off anymore… please don’t even try!!!
Lmao!!! Fantastic!!!
I snorted and my eyes are watering as “no shit” crossed my mind. I can’t wait to forward this to galpals who have tried the online thing. Thank you.
i can’t.
or maybe I can’t?
100+ messages sent, only a few replies where 3 would actually talk, a few rejections. My number 1 reason. Seeing soo many women say how picky they are, and complain they get too many messages..whilst many men including myself and a few friends will get pretty much ignored most of the time. Seeing women get annoyed because a guy has a short profile, or dares to say “Hello” as the first message is just so strange when you have to pretty much juggle 3 daggers whilst dancing the macarena just to even get a reply. Online dating is so different… Read more »
My friends would describe me as someone who loves to laugh and have fun. Also, clichés rule!
I agree with Hot Girl. I’m a mature Hot Girl and have been through the dating sites after a legal separation, I have determined all of them are a waste of time. The one guy I recently began chatting with after 10 days just asked me for money, so I blew him off since he was clearly a scammer. Online dating these days is a haven for apathetic and unsocial men who can’t seem to meet women in normal circles. It is clearly not a place for healthy socialized women to meet quality men.
What is this ‘normal circles’ of which you speak? Work? Many men work in male dominated fields. And if women are healthily socialized, why are they complaining about being single? Sure, go through life as though you are above the penised half.
One more way overused cliche: “I’m an open book. Just ask…” And… that’s the whole profile. No. No, you’re not an open book. You’re not even giving us a table of contents or preview chapter.
This is something I don’t get why guys do. I don’t base it just on the photos (although it plays a role), but more on how they express themselves. If you are cute, but your profile is empty, what this shows is lack of effort and originality. A guy who says he doesn’t like to talk about himself….ok. So what will we talk about when we are face to face? I don’t get it.
So what will we talk about?
You. Which, in my experience, is with a very high probability your favorite subject.
I love it!
“I’m sorry, but if you say that you’re not into drama, it means you either are the drama or you attract drama”
As a girl interested in other women i can relate to this at so many levels