Thomas Pluck believes the things a man really needs are all-encompassing and don’t even require money.
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A friend of a friend shared a ridiculous list called 40 Things Every Self-Respecting Man Over 30 Should Own. My skepticism flared before I even read it, having seen enough articles in Men’s Journal and other catalogs masquerading as magazines to know what the list would be comprised of: things your Dad liked, or stuff Don Draper had on Mad Men. Because that’s the image of a man Madison Avenue is selling these days. Modern men are weak, right? Please tell that to a Navy SEAL. Go right ahead. You think Ernest Hemingway was ever sober enough to armwrestle a modern elite warrior, or could run a Tough Mudder without puking his Tom Collins out? And for the record I love Ernest Hemingway, I’m just tired of the past being glorified as some golden age of manhood just because today’s men know how to change a diaper as well as field-strip an M1 Garand.
It seems every time a man says that family is more important than being one of the 3,000 people a year to climb Everest, a media outlet announces that it is “the end of men.” Can we just stop, already? Looking at it from a pure genetic standpoint, there are two major strategies for survival. Spread lots of seed (a la Genghis Khan, and the common bullfrog) or protect your offspring, like a wolf pack leader, or men who walk around with their baby in a chest sling. Choosing the latter doesn’t make you less of a man, just as mimicking Genghis Khan’s strategy doesn’t make you a Mongol warlord. But frankly I’d rather be a wolf than a frog. (No one ever gave a three frog shirt five stars on Amazon.)
I’m not going to go down the entire list, but it reads like the ads at the back of men’s magazines. A tailored suit and two pairs of dress shoes. I happen to own a tailored suit. It doesn’t give me self-respect or make me a man. Annie Lennox looks pretty good in a tailored suit, too. A little further down it says “Stocks. Who cares if you know how the market works or not?” A 401k? Sure, if your employer has one and matches, take the free money. But owning stocks doesn’t make you a better man. Despite the wisdom the three-fund model is best for most small investors, they want you to buy stocks so you can say you own stocks. Which is the spirit of the entire list: things you can buy that inflate your self-esteem beyond what it deserves.
Next up, a wristwatch. A meaningless status symbol. Sometimes I break out my father’s gold Timex to remember him by. And I wear a G-shock on occasion, so I don’t have to dig out my phone. If you like watches, fine. They are interesting gadgets, but they don’t make you respectable. Really, you can’t say women are gold-diggers if you buy into this mantra and show off your expensive crap like it makes you an alpha male. You’re perpetuating it.
Next up is a “decent” car, whatever that means. The article decides that “decent” is a Prius. Which is perfect, because it says you care about the planet without actually doing anything. It’s a lifestyle badge. Men, middle-class men especially, are trained to measure success by the car we drive. Say the words “new car.” It’s like a power totem. I’ve owned one new car, and it is a money pit. There’s not a day I don’t miss my old Mustang convertible, which was actually more reliable. It was decent enough for me, and it had character. So you’re a working joe and you spend a weekend now and then keeping your truck or your Honda running. It runs, right? That’s what a car is supposed to do, not define you.
Playing cards, because hey man, guys have to have poker night! It’s in all those movies. And finally, “something that says I leave my place once in a while.” So are you trying to be a man, or convince a date that you’re not a serial killer? Has it gotten that bad, that young men need to be told that they should have more than one towel, and put sheets on the mattress? I really hope not. In fact, I know not. Most of the young guys I know who are hitting 30 have a decent car, if they can afford one. They may own every lightsaber ever made, but they also had matching plates in the cabinets before a girlfriend moved in. This list is some crap you email “that guy.” It was written as clickbait by someone who reads men’s magazines and doesn’t realize that those “must” lists are there to please advertisers, and don’t really mean anything.
I have been accused of overreacting, but this article was the final straw. Entire magazines are devoted to making us think we can “buy” manhood. So let me give you a list that requires no monetary expenditure. Because being a man is not about being a consumer, it is about being a decent human being.
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So let me give you a list that requires no monetary expenditure.
To be a self-respecting man, you need:
1. Achievements that build your self-confidence so you can judge yourself without comparison to others. For me, it was mixed martial arts. Chess would have been fine. Card magic, too. Baseball, running, crossword puzzles, Scrabble. It does not matter, really. Self-respect is built upon struggling to succeed. Not buying shoes.
2. Principles. Preferably ones that don’t set off bells on the psychopath test. A couple of mine are: a) protecting those who cannot protect themselves from bullies and abusers b) treating people as I would like to be treated and c) judging myself, and others by our behavior. Having principles and a cause to fight for gives your life purpose. It anchors you independently of job, family, philosophy, religion or politics. When you have a crisis of faith in any of these areas, your principles will be your rock. Get some.
3. Someone who calls you friend. Once people know you can be relied on because you have principles and self-respect, this should not be a problem. Family is optional. You can choose the people you call family. You can choose a partner or go it alone. You can have children or not. You can love your blood family or leave them behind if they are only a source of pain. You can do any of these things and still be a self-respecting man. It is not my place or anyone else’s to decide this for you. Do you “deserve” to be loved or admired? A principled man who treats people well will find like-minded people, if he perseveres. But it won’t be everybody. Principles also have a habit of making you enemies.
4. A life. Life is all about compromise. We don’t want to admit that. We’ve been sold a bill of goods, that we can have everything. That’s just to keep you working past 70 and spending it all on watches, suits, and stocks. Do not let someone else, even me, define what a successful life means to you. It’s something you have to figure out yourself, once you get better at seeing things objectively, and forgetting all the sales pitches you’ve ingested as wisdom over the years. A great life is comprised of wins and losses. Struggle. You may never catch Hemingway’s marlin, or marry the love of your life, or be the 3001st person to climb Everest. But the struggles will be the stories you tell, the ones others keep telling. They sure as hell won’t be saying you always had a set of cards on you and a hinged wine bottle opener.
And finally:
5. A skeptical attitude toward anyone who says you have to buy anything to “be a man.” Want to be a man? Act like a man. Sometimes it sucks: to get what you want, you often have to do things you don’t wanna do. It can be hard. But you know who whines about it?
Boys.
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Photo: The Futuristics / flickr
I think more than this is needed. Not just for men but every self-respecting person over 30. For example, really you should have your own place. Even if its just for rent. Shouldn’t really be living with your parents at 30. You should have a job that you enjoy or are at least working towards a job that you think you will enjoy. You should have clothes that are good quality. Nobody likes a 30 year old with scruffy worn underwear, holes in his 10 year old jeans or trainers that stink. The rest is a matter of personally. Emotionally… Read more »
You’re not overreacting at all. When I first googled what it means to be a good masculine man in the modern era, all I got was sales pitches. You gave voice to my frustrations. Fucken awesome article!
The only portion in this article I disagree with is the reference to field stripping the M1 as an element of modern masculinity. Equating that type of knowledge to being a “man” is exactly the type of climate that has created the violence obsessed culture we exist in today. I live on the West Coast where people have glorified cowboy shootouts at high noon for decades and where people still behave like that is an acceptable, common place aspect of our society one must maneuver around as an element of survival, seen it; been shot at myself enough to know.… Read more »
I think the idea was that a man should be technically able to repair something. A gun is a good start. You can substitute a car, plumbing, electric ect. It gives you a good feeling when you can make a repair and know how a thing is built from the inside out. I feel that our society has become too specialized. Yesterday I repaired a toilet, sink, air conditioner, and leaking tub. Tomorrow I go to work as an accountant.
You should also have a very good razor for shaving. Never underestimate the value of a good shave. Sometimes you have to send more for premium razors (triple blade) and cream (extra foamy kind), but it’s worth it.
Why can’t you have both the 5 soul-enriching ideas and the 40 superfluous material things? The two shouldn’t be mutually exclusive.
I believe the point wasn’t that they are mutually exclusive but that any self-respecting man wouldn’t need material possessions to determine his self-worth. The article he’s referencing is titled, ” 40 Things Every Self-Respecting Man Over 30 Should Own”.
Fantastic article Thomas.
-Chris B., 34 years old, Sacramento CA
Excellent article. I do not agree with each point entirely but love the sentiments and ideas. A lot of these list-based articles on this site tend to be a series of platitudes and loosely connected cliches but this one was in-depth, detailed, and most importantly, genuine. I personally find the root of these gender-based cultural problems to be the use of terms “man” and “woman.” Even if we displace the absurd ideal of masculinity present in our culture (e.g. macho, “tough”, cis, etc…) we will not have truly solved the gender problem. By tying biological characteristics to socially constructed identity… Read more »
“…I’m just tired of the past being glorified as some golden age of manhood just because today’s men know how to change a diaper as well as field-strip an M1 Garand.” Whoa Sir, know your weapons before you speak of them. The M1 grand was general issue in WW2, the era of the so called “glorified… golden age of manhood” in your article. Today I doubt many men would know what that weapon is or much about it. But say we take a more relevant weapon to today of similar position to the M1, the ar-15. In the modern era,… Read more »
Few men of that generation would change a diaper, was my point. And surplus M1 Garands are available through the Civilian Marksmanship Program, there are plenty of videos of how to field strip one on Youtube. I used it as an example, as a comparison to that so-called “golden age” that never really existed. I think you do modern men a disservice by assuming they don’t even know what the most common weapon used by Americans during WWII is. As for entitlement, the post-WWII era had plenty with the GI Bill and no one was ashamed to make use of… Read more »
Back when I was in the USMC, and the M-16 (fully automatic version of the AR-15) was something as basic as my uniform, I could field strip, name all the parts and get it all back together and be in firing position to score 220 (“expert”) on the rifle range at Camp Pendleton. That was 39 years ago and my range is my desk today. Am I less of a man? I’m older, slower, have trouble with my vision, a bad back, lower sex drive, am more forgetful, no longer part of any advertiser’s target audience unless you are talking… Read more »
I only have one word. BRAVO! Cheers to you sir.
Well said. I get jaded as well as alarmed when I see this new wave of men’s magazines, trying to push absurd advice and ideas onto men in the same way that women’s magazines have been doing for decades, with articles that have no substance whatsoever.
Great article! But really, a Prius! ugh (que Deep Purples “Highway Star”) Seriously though, as many young men search and struggle to find their own ‘Manhood’ , they become ‘Prey’ for the big commercial machine. Almost every young man has a need to ‘prove himself to himself’ and many get trapped into trying to get there by having ‘the right things’. I saw my son’s fustration with this, so when he joined the Army and his Mother and Sisters were ‘freaking out’, I understood. Of course , I’ll be holding my breath with every one else until March 22 (the… Read more »
Nice Thomas. I loved it.
Thomas, Thanks for the fun and engaging article. As a fellow male and writer for Good Men I can tell you (and all who read this) that as you get older, your list of 5 becomes even more important, while the list of 40 fades into the background. I remember being 30 and trying to sort out a bit about what it meant to be a man, where I was going, and what was need. Now as a man who is 40 years past 30 (damn time goes by) I’m finding more peace with myself and my world. For me,… Read more »
I think it’s okay to have nice things as long as you know you don’t need them, but the sooner we learn this the better. And congratulations on your 11th book! I’m finishing my second.
ok i rolled my eyes when i saw the title, i was expecting a list like the one that inspired it…. thanks for making me feel a little like a jerk, but a lot better about men in general… and i agree with the accomplishment, i used Medieval Sport combat and Luthiery… And now my eldest getting her first place with friends, the accomplishment part of that is that i’m not freaking out… have a good one.
I’m glad I surprised you!
This is fabulous. Insightful, intelligent, emotionally mature, stable, well reasoned, and more. Bravo.
Thomas, you are a godsend. Thank you for being part of a group that unveils much of the lies we were brought up to believe. Thank you for this piece! Keep up the great work my friend.
M. W. L
Thomas, you’re saying that men need an authentic life, rather than a bullshit one – and of course, that’s right.
But this list of five things…is it a list for men, or a list for people (which would include those other non-men sort of people – I forget the technical term for them)?
This list can work for everybody, but the article was a response specifically to articles geared to make men buy a bunch of accessories that make them feel like men instead of developing themselves.
To quote my friend and MMA coach Phil Dunlap of Asylum Fight Gym, “you can own a Ferrari, or you can BE the Ferrari.”
Excellent read and I couldn’t agree more. Amazing how you truly become a man when your brain shifts into realizing that the 5 you mentioned are infinitely more important than the 40.
You should write here more often.
Thank you.
Yes how very yes.
Besides, who says life is about what you need? That’s setting the bar way too low. Many of the most wonderful things in life are things you don’t actually need. Pursue the life you desire, not the “stuff” you “need.”
I concur with what someone said earlier. If you rely a lot on other people to tell you how to be a man, then you’re not one yet.
I don’t disagree with the 5, and don’t suggest that what I’m about to say be #6 or .5, but would Hemingway have agreed with this?
Have we been ranting against catalogs disguised as journalism for decades? Generations?
Are we making progress?
Kudos, Thomas! The article can double as excellent fathering advice as well.
How many of us get to MEET men like this in our lives let alone become one ourselves?
Thomas, having read a couple of articles recently on this idea of “man lists”, I must say yours was a tall, cool glass of “Boom!” The implicitness of “stuff” in modern (or supposedly modern) takes on a what defines a man has been grating on my nerves for a long time. Skepticism towards the necessity of buying things to achieve masculine self-respect is in itself a necessity to avoid the pernicious effects of, “just another version of how they think it should be” to borrow a phrase from Henry Rollins. The 5 summary principles work quite well, I think. I’m… Read more »
First of all, that article was from Buzzfeed … so your skepticism was more than called for. Secondly, it read more like a list of “Crap most men usually have anyway.” I mean, sunglasses — seriously? And some of them are absurd. One can more surely be a man without a flask and a record player (though I do have a flask, but rarely use it — I prefer my libations in a glass). And if that fella in the first image is Buzzfeed’s idea of a man, they need to go back to the drawing board. First of all,… Read more »
I’m with you. Right on, Thomas! I read the same article and it annoyed me that it read more like the list of things to get if you’re trying to impress other people.