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Recently I reached out to an old friend that I had a falling out with.
What was the conflict that caused us not to speak to one another for almost two years? Politics!
To make a long story short, we disagreed about the 2016 election.
Like most men who have ever had a big issue with one of their friends, we were both just dreadful when it came to talking through our differences. As an alternative to having a rational discussion, we both went our separates ways, choosing to let our differences divide us. Looking back, we allowed things to get way out of hand.
I decided to share this story with the readers of the Good Men Project after watching former Presidents Barack Obama and George Bush give their eulogies at the late Senator John McCain’s funeral. Both men had their disagreements with Senator McCain during their tenures as Presidents and especially when they both ran against him (Bush ran against him for the Republican nomination in 2000 and Obama ran against him for President in 2008).
If former political rivals can put their differences aside and rise above petty politics when the country is in mourning, shouldn’t we all be able to do the same? Furthermore, I’m certain that I am not the only person who has had a falling out with someone they genuinely care about, over an issue that looking back in hindsight wasn’t worth losing a friend over. To those people, I want to share some advice.
Is our relationship worth it?
That is the first question you need to ask yourself. A meaningful friendship should be worth prioritizing over the things that come between you and someone you truly care about. Reach out to them and let them know that you want to talk. For me, this meant writing a letter, just to get the ball rolling.
I am glad I wrote the letter (not just because we were talking again) but because in situations like this, trying to be an alpha male is the wrong approach. My writing was open and emotional.
Generally, when two men have a falling out, they both are too stubborn to put their egos aside. If you want your friend back, put your ego on the backburner! Even more, putting your ego aside is essential for good communication. When the two of you do communicate, you both need to be direct about how you felt in the past. It is okay to have a little friendly banter here and there. However, the issue that drove you two apart still needs to be discussed.
Now here is perhaps the most important piece of advice I’m going to give you – be the bigger person. If like me, you’re the one reaching out, it’s probably because you hold the most guilt and responsibility for the fallout. If you were the one that lit the match that caused the fire, you need to be the one who pours the first glass of water to put that fire out.
If you follow this advice, in the end, you both will most likely decide that your friendship is worth rekindling. I truly believe that working through our issues with one another will only serve to make our friendship stronger in the end.
Friendship
I wrote in the past about my goal of becoming more confident. As I work towards that goal, one of the wonderful things I have been doing recently is looking back on my life. While looking back, I noticed that one of the most crucial mistakes I made in the past is not truly valuing the people I have in my life the way they should be.
I reached out to my old friend because I now understand that the relationships we have with others (family, friends, or romantic) are one of the most (maybe even the most) important things we have in life. Curating and paying attention to the relationships we have is worth wild.
With that said, if there is someone in your life that you had a disagreement with and now don’t speak to, reach out to them, I promise it will be worth the effort!
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A version of this post was published on BlogWithDarnell and is republished with the author’s permission.
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Photo by Thiago Barletta on Unsplash
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