Like many people, I have a complicated relationship with forgiveness.
I usually rush it. Instead of forgiving because I have processed the hurt and anger and am ready to let those feelings go, I tend to forgive because I’m desperate to move past conflict that I find deeply unsettling. In the past I have also engaged in forgiveness as a way of showing I’m the “bigger person” in a situation, though sadly I have yet to receive any sort of trophy or gold star afterwards.
Recently, however, I decided to experiment with another approach to forgiveness, and it taught me that most of my previous attempts were misguided, disingenuous, and frankly not providing any lasting benefits. What I tried was this: I forgave someone I once loved — someone who had hurt me badly, and repeatedly — as a way of showing myself love. And it not only felt good, it felt better than I could have imagined.
Before I talk more about this process, I think it’s important to clarify some things. Here’s what healthy forgiveness isn’t:
_A means of excusing past wrongs or hurtful behavior
_An invitation to treat you poorly again
_An act that gives power back to someone who caused you pain
Here’s what healthy forgiveness is:
_A way of moving forward from past wrongs or hurtful behavior
_A release of anger that is no longer serving a purpose
_A reclamation of power
It took me a while to get to the point where I could engage in “forgiveness as self-love.” I had several false starts where I thought I was ready but then realized the hurt was still too deep.
I also had to get over the subconscious hope that forgiveness was a step toward getting this person back in my life in the way they were when things felt special and full of promise. Yes, we might get to a good place again someday, and in fact I would welcome that. But it won’t look at all like our past together; that chapter is over now.
Instead, I let myself go through the messy process of healing, with all its steps forward and backward, its tears, its indignation, its sad songs, and its dark humor. As I grieved, I wrote down all the kind, mean, loving, and spiteful things I wanted to say to this person. Eventually, that included a letter expressing my desire to forgive and move on. And then I deleted all of it, because forgiveness, it turns out, is for me and me alone.
Contrary to the common expression, forgiveness isn’t about forgetting. In fact, forgiving someone you once loved requires taking a very clear and often harsh look at the things that transpired between you. You need to see all of it — the good and bad — for what it was, including the things you really do not want to see because they make you cringe or feel queasy or want to scream into a couch cushion.
Then it’s time to consider whether you’re ready to accept what already happened and cannot be changed, and to leave it behind like a heavy backpack you no longer need to carry. The answer might be no, and that is absolutely okay. You may still need to wear that backpack a little while longer. You can try again multiple times, as I did, until it’s finally the right time.
Unlike the tumultuous buildup (a breakup, a ruptured friendship, a family rift), forgiveness as a form of self-love is a quiet, solitary act. The other person may never even know they’ve been forgiven, although if you’re still in contact they’ll likely perceive a shift in your attitude or demeanor. None of that ultimately matters, of course, because the only person who needs to feel the change is you.
For me, approaching forgiveness in this way was incredibly gratifying. Instead of feeling like I made a concession, I felt I had made a choice that left me more empowered. I no longer needed anger or resentment as ties to this past relationship. I had healed enough that I could set those feelings aside and move on.
No matter what the future holds for me and the person I forgave, I know I will be okay. I’m no longer looking back over my shoulder in search of meaning. I’m capable of finding it — and creating it — around me in the present.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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Photo credit: De’Andre Bush on Unsplash