My coworker, Micky, has announced his candidacy for President. As is often the case with my co-worker it started simply enough, he asked when the next presidential election took place.
“Next year, in 2024.” I told him.
“I think I’ll run. I’m going to run as a republican, it seems like more fun.” He said.
I thought it was a remarkable idea and told him so.
“Can I be your campaign manager?” I always wanted to run a presidential campaign.
“Sure.” He said.
Another co-worker, Phil, signed on as candidate for Vice President. Which, as far as I know is a first in modern politics, a presidential candidate with a chosen, vetted, vice presidential candidate when he announces. It’s a trend we should demand of politicians. How many times have you voted for the perfect candidate in the primary and watched him/her choose a train wreck as a running mate? Way too often. You should know what you’re signing on for upfront. It would be akin to buying a car, and having the dealer pick the color, no thanks.
You’ll never convince me that there weren’t a whole bunch of modern, moderate republicans furious with John McCain when he picked the largely unknown, completely unpredictable, wholly inappropriate Sarah Palin as his running mate in 2008. I still haven’t forgiven him for loosing that curse on America’s political society.
Right up front you see what you’ll get when you vote for Micky. You’ll get Phil. It’s a perfect match, too. Micky is prone to unseemly outbursts, angry diatribes punctuated with a string of profane modifiers that can run so long, and freely, that occasionally he’ll forget to add the subject. He is a ragged bundle of raw nerves, who is willing to speak truth to power, and occasionally he will speak lies to power, and once in a while he will ignore power completely if there is a good fishing video on YouTube.
Phil is more measured, and conversational. People like to talk to Phil. He could have been a bartender, but he likes working Monday through Friday, and doesn’t care for second shift hours. He could have been a psychologist, but he likes to talk as much as he listens.
Which isn’t to say that Phil is indifferent to the struggles of the common man, he is the common man. He works, his wife works, they have a son and a mortgage and cars, grocery bills and utility bills and two dogs, and Lord knows how expensive that can be. A part-time gig as vice president, and the extra paycheck would come in handy. We figured he could probably keep his warehouse job. Being vice president probably doesn’t take much time. It might get a little tight around the holidays when the orders[i] start streaming in, but the way we see it vice presidenting probably has a flexible schedule. He can catch up in January. Maybe this won’t be necessary, we can’t be sure, until we see the job description.
I’ve briefed Micky, President Micky, if you will, on the importance of a civil tongue when dealing with the press.
“F#*k that.” He said.
We’ll work on it, but for now, it’s enough to know, Micky is against government spending. He wants to eliminate taxes. He believes nobody should pay taxes on anything, ever. He plans to fund the government by selling seats in congress, cabinet positions, seats on the judiciary. Congressional candidates raised 2.4 Philion dollars in the 2022 election cycle. Most of that was wasted on campaign expenses, food, transportation, advertising, big gaudy buses with grinning faces plastered on the side.
Of course, that will never be enough, Micky knows, so he plans on opening a string of honky tonks, diners, bodegas in underserved locations. Uncle Sam’s House of Good Eats. Or Good Tunes, or lotto tickets, beer, cigars, vape supplies, packaged, processed food, and a few pieces of overpriced produce. There will be incentives, the community that spends the most, as a percentage of per capita income will get to choose the next item cut from the federal budget.
There would be a televised marathon, with paid, commercial advertising, all going into the federal budget, showing the real time breakdown of spending. People could call in or go online and spend money at the location they want to win.
“I’ll take a hamburger and a beer from the Tacoma Tax Relief Speakeasy.”
Obviously, this is going to take some time to implement. And there is going to be some petty whining and complaining. You can’t make an omelet without breaking some eggs, and cutting up some ham and grating some cheese, and dicing some onions and peppers, and grinding some pepper. It takes a lot of things to make an omelet. Micky understands that and he knows the country needs more than empty platitudes and hollow clichés. But, he has a lot of them, if progress scares you, and you want to keep looking at the same problems with new faces.
If you’re tired of a broken system built around the constant need for self-promotion, and expansion, whose only concerns are protecting the status quo and if you long for real change, Vote For Micky and Phil. They’ll be glad you did.
It’s time for the common man, and they are as common as you could ask for.
This Post is republished on Medium.
Photo credit: iStock
Internal image courtesy of author