From Wine to Hockey Sticks to Cement

The current tariff flinging orangutan in charge of the U.S. just announced 50% tariffs on certain Canadian goods. I have no idea why, and I’m sure he doesn’t either. Maybe he’s confusing Canada with Britain, who just elected a liberal Prime Minister, or with Spain, who just showed the lily-white Argentinian soccer team who’s boss. Payback is a bitch.

I’m sure it has something to do with Canada adamantly refusing to become the 51st state of the U.S. Don’t they know that would be an honor?

They would be bigger than Alaska and Texas combined. And more polite. Bragging rights alone are worth joining. Plus they would avoid 50% tariffs on things every American needs — Canadian wine, hockey sticks and cement.

I don’t think the orange one has considered the voting populace of Canada, though. Currently led by liberal Mark Carney, historically liberals have ruled Canada most consistently. Why would he want more liberal voters than we already have, and whom he is aggressively working to eliminate, along with LGBTQ+, women, minority, and legal immigrant voters. Which includes Canadians in the U.S. There’s close to a million of them and, as a voting bloc, could sway an election.

Or maybe he has considered Canada’s voting history, and believes he can drag it back to the right once he has it under his thumb. Women in Canada didn’t get the vote until 1921. Early days of Canadian voting, in the 1800s, was rife with corruption, bribery, voting restrictions and fraud. Sounds like a place and time this administration would have fit right in.

To be transparent, I drink a lot of wine. Just not Canadian wine. I don’t know why. Until now there was no 50% tariff, so where was all the — presumably cheap — Canadian wine? I never saw any. Now I’ll never get to try it.

Hockey sticks are not something I’ve ever considered buying. Yes, we have hockey in the U.S., but I paid $5,000 dollars for my son’s beautiful, straight teeth, and had no intention of enrolling him in a sport where he could lose them. Plus, there’s not a lot of ice in Texas, where he grew up. So no hockey sticks for us.

100,000 wooden Canadian hockey sticks are sold to the U.S. every year, out of 400,000 sticks made by Roustan Hockey. The sticks range in price from $70 to around $300. Taking the mid-range price, 50% tariffs on 100,000 sticks is around $7,500,000. Chump change to the U.S. Not exactly sweeping past the goalie for the win with this tariff.

As for cement, go to any U.S. city in the summer and calculate the amount of sweat equal to the amount of concrete in streets, sidewalks, buildings and airports, divide by 50%, multiply by 19,000+ cities, and wring out your shirt in the hotels while pouring a bucket of ice on your head. There’s a reason there’s a popular song titled, “Hot Town, Summer in The City.”

You will not think there is a shortage of cement when you visit any U.S. city. In my entire life, I’ve never noticed a lack of concrete in the U.S.

When DFW airport opened, a pilot, possibly Canadian, remarked while flying over it, “Concrete must be cheap in Texas.” Maybe then, but apparently there’s no cheap concrete now. Or won’t be when these tariff’s take off.

Turns out, the U.S. exports $173 million in concrete, while importing $1.74 billion worth. $528 million in concrete comes from Canada, while we send them $115 million. Why they don’t keep theirs and we keep ours and get more from somewhere else is a mystery, but we obviously need theirs more than they need ours.

things every American needs — Canadian wine, hockey sticks and cement

What if Canada says, “You know what? We’ll just send our wine, hockey sticks and cement elsewhere. See if we care. You’ll be the ones suffering.”

Hmmm. I’m fairly sure the U.S. won’t miss Canadian wine. Tell me I’m wrong. But I don’t think we’re ready to ramp up American production of hockey sticks. Not for a measly 100,000 sticks.

Certain ones of us will miss the cement. Without that $528 million worth of cement from Canada, how will the U.S. ever finish the presidential ballroom none of us will ever be invited to?

Especially not when it’s used as a bunker. No doubt stocked with black market Canadian wine and furnished with a professional class hockey rink. The oligarchs can use smuggled hockey sticks to fend off us plebes.

Half of imported cement from Canada in 2025 already went into paving over the White House rose garden. What happens when we need new cement for the bottom of the Reflecting Pool?

Go fish.

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This post was previously published on MuddyUm.

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