Michael Radkowsky responds to the question, “Can two gay men really have a monogamous relationship?”
“Can two gay men really have a monogamous relationship?”
This recent question to my advice column echoed what I hear from many of my gay psychotherapy clients. “My boyfriend and I have wanted to be monogamous, but neither of us has been able to totally stop the occasional hookup. It’s taken a toll on our relationship in terms of hurt feelings, trust and closeness.”
Noting how he frequently sees other coupled gay guys playing the field, my letter-writer poignantly asked: “Should I just accept that gay men and monogamy don’t mix, and stop feeling bad?”
My answer: Gay men are by all means capable of having monogamous relationships. We do not “have” to have open relationships, even if that sometimes seems standard for gay relationships. There are, however, some powerful reasons why so many gay men, including those who embrace monogamy and marriage, are often pulled toward non-monogamy.
If we want to have more volition in how we live, it’s essential that we understand why behaviors that may have negative consequences can seem irresistible.
First, as gay men, most of us grew up feeling bad and hiding our true selves from our closest family and friends, fearing rejection. When children and young people don’t get a sense that they are loved for who they really are, it’s difficult to develop their own positive sense of self-worth. As a result, they keep looking for that love as adults.
I believe that many of us are still seeking the validation we never really got, through our ongoing pursuit of sex. But once we’re adults, validation from others doesn’t actually have much lasting impact on our self-esteem; so one hookup leads to another as we keep seeking something or someone to help us feel good about ourselves.
Second, the heavy stigma around being gay denies many of us the opportunities to date and romance other guys early in life. Instead, we have our first experiences in anonymity, shame, and secrecy, learning how to be sexual before we learn how to be close.
As a result, we can have a hard time connecting sex and emotional intimacy. That combination can be unfamiliar and even uncomfortable, so we often seek out the familiarity of anonymous hookups instead. Moreover, our early experiences can condition us to be most aroused by risk rather than by connection.
Third, gay male culture has tended to put sex and hooking up on a pedestal, for the reasons I mentioned above, and as a reaction against gay sex having been so taboo and forbidden to us, growing up. And men in general are socialized to have few qualms about pursuing sex. The emphasis on sex among gay men puts a lot of pressure on us to define our success by our desirability and conquests.
Keep in mind that these three factors meld together in a seductive and addictive swirl, so we can wind up compulsively using sex (and porn) like a drug to release stress, improve mood, and feel good about ourselves. And of course, internalized homonegativity may lead us to think that our relationships and our partners are not worth treasuring.
All of this makes it challenging to be a monogamous gay couple, much less an emotionally or sexually healthy gay man. And I’m not even touching on the reasons why monogamy is hard for just about everyone, including, of course, heterosexuals.
Gay men who want to be monogamous but feel like they can’t stop hooking up, or who simply want to feel better about themselves and have a healthier relationship to sex, have a tough road.
As I tell my clients, it is thoroughly possible to move beyond the negative messages and self-damaging behaviors that most of us learned as we grew up. And it’s also possible to move beyond other people’s definitions of what it means to be a successful gay man.
But this is not easy and can be lonely. A lot of my clients talk about how isolated and “different” they feel for wanting to buck what they see as the norm. Most of us grew up without a real peer group, so we aren’t eager to repeat the experience of feeling like we don’t fit in.
It’s like coming out all over again. You have to decide whether it’s worth pretending to be someone you aren’t, in order not to feel alone.
The good news is that if you’ve been able to come out, you actually have what it takes to choose your own path. The same skills that help a person come out—a belief in yourself, a desire to live with integrity, and a thick skin—are vital in making the decision to live your relationship by your rules.
So if you’re a gay man and want a monogamous relationship, do it! You just have to be prepared for an endurance swim against an ongoing strong current. Difficult but doable, and certainly a life journey that will help you build your resilience.
Photo: torbakhopper/Flickr
This isn’t so complicated. Men have high libidos and sex is an ever present urge that, like an itch, you just want to take care of. The guy said he and his partner “haven’t been able to stop” hooking up with other men. This is because they approach the issue wrong, and that’s apparent in the phrasing. What he should have said is “We have not yet chosen to stop”. Urges are urges but actions are largely choices. They make the choice ti put themselves in situations wirh others where sex is accesible, and they make the choice to act… Read more »
Excellent article. My husband and I are gay men in our early 50’s and have been together for over 22 years. We’ve had a monogamous relationship since day one, and honestly, it hasn’t been difficult at all. The sex has never become boring (quite the opposite, in fact). Doesn’t mean we’re not attracted to other men, of course; but attraction and pursuing are two completely different things. I can’t speak for him, but as for me, the attraction I feel toward other men feeds my desire for him…if that makes sense.
Nice to hear this. I want monogamy but it seems like so many others don’t…
This is on the mark. While the media pushes this theory that gay men are unable to fully commit or be in monogamous long term relationships like anyone else, I’ve found from talking to so many gay men that they actually prefer a monogamous relationship, but feel like their alone in that. They’re not. There are a great deal of gay men who desire that. More so than one would think otherwise.
This is exactly the type of resource I have been looking for. I am a 22 year old guy in a relatively new ( a year and a half) monogamous relationship. We’ve had some difficulty adjusting to one another’s views on sex and sexuality, but we both desire monogamy. A particular area we’ve experienced difficulty is with accepting one another’s very different sexual pasts. You’ve explained wonderfully just how difficult it can be to change views on sex that were developed in fear, rejection, and abuse in early life. It is difficult, but worth it to challenge those consequences and… Read more »
sorry, i am not a english speaker, so, would be better for me to stay without a comment. Just lemme make it short: this article made me feel better, not a joke to all the guys that i know. Thanks.
I can very much relate to your findings. I have not given up on authentic partnership in monogamy. The tricky thing is to find a partner who would share my wish :-)! What I certainly do enjoy, however, is getting older. Getting more and more relaxed about life and love. It was a long and winding road for me to come out of the closet. But I did it! At 20, closeted and full of fears, I would never have believed that I could handle my sexuality in such an easy way (frankly, I was suicidal for a while!). Now… Read more »
Thank you for writing, Markus! Congratulations on your pride and outspokenness and I am glad to be a voice to help you know you’re not alone.
I am entering the third year since my beloved Fergus died. We were monogamous for almost 40 years, and that is the most spiritually and emotionally powerful part of my life. There were glitches, and even a tempting moment or two, but as best friends we spoke from our hearts to each other. Nothing ever came close to the depth and power o that deep, and rich, commitment. One way we survived was to leave city life behind and build a new life rurally, and I still live and garden here. It can be lonely, but most often I’m very… Read more »
Thanks for this heartfelt and moving comment, Craig. I’m sorry for your loss and hope you are doing well. You remind me to appreciate our lives and our loved ones. All the best.
Not possible when you’re young.
Interesting how some have already responded when I have seen, in the past years, how a progressive society questions the ability for anyone to be monogamous. Even articles that have shown up on GMP.
That’s why I kind of find it interesting how the gay community is pushing for “marriage” when the rest of society is shying away from it.
A loving, sensual, sexual, respectful, monogamous relationship. Sounds like Achievable Heaven to me. I fully believe it’s possible between two men who do honor and respect (and crave) one another, themselves and the Relationship or Marriage.
Now, if I could just get a date…
Millions of gays are monogamous. Turns out, theyre just human beings-just like straight people.
I am a bisexual man in his late twenties, and I have been in a committed, monogamous relationship for four years now. I feel confident in stating that the monogamy is the EASIEST aspect of the relationship to me. I find it insulting when older gay men at bars and clubs who are showing some interest or attraction towards me treat my dropping the “my boyfriend” deterrent line as no real deterrent at all, as if my commitment to my boyfriend were a non-issue in regards to these men’s intentions towards having sex with me. Do I appreciate the attention?… Read more »
Yeah, but you’re still pretending to like girls with the whole “bisexual” thing…you know the saying, “No such thing as a male bisexual over 30!”