Get over “The One That Got Away”

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Transcript provided by YouTube. Slightly edited with AI.

Making Relationships Work

When it feels like you’ve found the right person at the right time, it’s easy to forget that the real work of building a relationship is still ahead. Functioning together, healing together, and navigating life’s obstacles as a team—these are the true tests of a relationship. And sometimes, even when it feels like the right person at the right time, things still don’t work out.

New Opportunities for Growth

If you’re enjoying my new book, *Love Life*, there’s an opportunity for you to dive deeper into its teachings. Inside my Love Life Club, I’ve released a brand new course: the Love Life Book Immersion Series. Over a six-week period, I guide you through three chapters of the book each week, offering insights and practical applications for your own life. You can join us live or watch the recordings, so you’re never too late to start.

By joining the Love Life Club, you not only get access to this course but also have the chance to make me your coach for an entire year. We host live Q&As every month—not just with me but also with Audrey and my brother Steven. Plus, there are on-demand courses and a platform to get your specific love life questions answered. Visit lovelifclub.com to learn more and join us. I look forward to seeing you in the book immersion series.

The Myth of “Right Person, Wrong Time”

Welcome to the Love Life podcast! I’m Audrey Hy, and I’m here with Matthew Hussey. Fun fact: our microphones are set to different levels because Matthew speaks much louder than I do. But whether you love my voice or his, you’re in for a treat today. We’re excited about today’s topic: “Right Person, Wrong Time.”

This idea comes up frequently in our coaching sessions and conversations with community members. It’s something I’ve personally experienced and thought a lot about. It’s a relatable feeling—thinking that if this person were only in a different phase of their life, then the connection you have could blossom into something profound.

Defining the “Right Person”

I don’t believe someone can be the “right person” and it be the “wrong time.” This belief stems from my definition of what the right person is. In the *Love Life* book, we discuss four levels of importance in relationships:

1. **Admiration**
2. **Mutual Attraction**
3. **Commitment**
4. **Compatibility**

These levels help us determine what we should prioritize in our relationships. Level one is admiration, level two is mutual attraction, level three is commitment, and level four is compatibility. If someone is the “right person,” it means you are compatible in the ways that matter most. Compatibility is not just about liking each other or having mutual attraction; it’s about having aligned life goals, values, and being in a similar or synergistic phase of life.

Understanding Compatibility

You don’t necessarily have to be in the same phase of life, but your phases must be compatible. When it’s the “wrong time” for someone—whether they’ve just come out of a divorce, they’re not ready for a relationship, or they’re about to travel the world for a few years—then it’s not just the wrong time; they’re the wrong person for you at that moment.

Compatibility encompasses more than just attraction and shared values. It’s about the practical aspects of life that need to align for a relationship to flourish. When someone is not ready or available, the connection might feel strong, but it doesn’t make them the “right person.” We often give too much importance to the idea of love at first sight, but real relationships are built on much more than initial attraction. They require navigating life’s complexities together, from financial ups and downs to personal growth challenges.

Moving On from the “What Could Have Been”

It’s important to recognize that the label of “right person” is often unearned, especially when it’s based on a brief encounter or a fleeting connection. You don’t truly know if someone is the right person until you’ve weathered life’s storms together. It’s easy to romanticize a connection that never had the chance to endure the realities of life. But remember, even when it feels like the right person at the right time, there’s still a lot of work ahead.

When we focus too much on someone who was “almost” right, we can get caught up in a story that distracts us from real life. Life doesn’t pause while we dwell on what might have been. It’s okay to grieve the loss of a potential relationship, but there’s a difference between grieving and obsessing. Obsessing over a lost opportunity can make us miss out on the real opportunities right in front of us.

Embracing Real Life

Life is happening now, and it won’t give us a second chance to go back and do it over. It’s essential to live in the present and not get caught up in the “what ifs.” When a situation is a “zero”—meaning it’s not happening—it’s important to accept it as such and move forward. We can’t change the past, but we can decide to engage fully with the present.

It’s natural to feel heartbreak over missed opportunities, but life is too short to spend it on stories that never had a chance to be real. Real life, with all its complexities and challenges, is far more interesting and fulfilling than any imagined scenario. Embrace what’s in front of you, and don’t let the past steal your present.

Grieving the Relationship That Never Was

You once said something that I think is so valuable: It’s okay to grieve the relationship for what it wasn’t, but you shouldn’t grieve it as if it was that relationship.

Yes, it’s okay to grieve the disappointment that someone didn’t turn out to be “the one,” but you can’t grieve them as if they were the one. The idea of “the one” implies a person who not only possesses what you’re looking for, but also is willing to go all in with you to make the relationship as good as it can be. A relationship becomes the greatest one you’ve ever had because of how the two of you construct it together. If you don’t have that, then you just have chemistry. Chemistry alone isn’t enough to build something meaningful. If the relationship never was or never became that, then you can’t grieve it as if you lost the one—because the one is the person who’s there, who’s showing up.

The Arrogance of Thinking We Know Best

You said earlier that we have an arrogance in thinking we know what’s best for us and what’s going to make us happy. Can you elaborate on that?

I brought a book down for this episode called **Consolations** by David White. In it, he takes everyday words and reimagines them with a fresh sense of meaning. His take on certain words is often counterintuitive, surprising, and unexpected. He finds redeeming qualities in words that we might think always have negative connotations, and sometimes he finds insidious qualities in words we think are inherently good. One example is “ambition.” I’ll read the first paragraph:

“Ambition is a word that lacks any real ambition. Ambition is frozen desire—the current of a vocational life immobilized and over-concretized to set unforgiving goals. Ambition abstracts us from the underlying, elemental nature of the creative conversation, while providing us the cover of a target that has become false through over-description, over-familiarity, or too much understanding. The ease of having an ambition is that it can be explained to others. The disaster of ambition is that it can be so easily explained to others.”

This idea that ambition is frozen desire—a concrete version of what we think we want—is very powerful. White is talking about it in terms of careers, but it could just as easily be applied to our love lives.

Frozen Desire in Love

In love, ambition often takes the form of that person we wish we could get, but can’t. That person we wish was in the right stage of their life, or wanted the same things as us, but doesn’t. That person we wish was being intentional about wanting a relationship, because we feel such a strong connection, but isn’t at the time when we are. It’s a kind of ambition—a frozen desire.

The desire we have for a person becomes this calcified, concretized story that is no longer living; it’s kind of dead. We keep it alive in our minds, but it stopped evolving a long time ago. It set in stone, and it’s now the same thing we describe over and over again. It’s no longer a living, evolving story.

The Stories We Tell Ourselves

This is the part that haunts me—the idea that it’s so easy to explain it to ourselves and others. That’s almost what’s great about it, but also its downfall. We have this rehearsed rumination that goes on, and it’s so easy to justify why we’re obsessing over this person or this story. Every time you get a new audience, they listen with fresh ears, and that brings the story to life again for you.

I want to pause here because this is so important—the power of our words and the power of our communication around certain things. It’s much stronger than we realize, and we have to be very careful about the stories we tell, especially love stories. Sometimes what we think is sharing and connecting with friends, divulging how we feel about something, can actually be the very thing that’s keeping us stuck.

Moving Forward from Heartbreak

I think this happens to everyone at a certain stage. For instance, if you’re going through heartbreak, and you’re still talking about it six months later, a year later—about how this person left or cheated or betrayed, or how sad you are and how nobody compares—those words have power. You are breathing life back into that story every single time you talk about it.

There are studies that suggest every time you recall a memory, you essentially refresh and rewrite it in your mind, cementing it further. We get very addicted to our pain; we get addicted to our thoughts and feelings. We have to be so mindful, conscious, and strict with ourselves when it comes to the conversations we have with other people and internally.

This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t talk about it if you’re hurting; talking is a very healing and important part of the process. But there comes a point where you have to say, “Okay, enough.” You can still talk about it, but is your story evolving? Is the way you’re talking about it different? Are you focusing on what it’s taught you? Are you shifting the narrative from them to you?

Evolving the Story

It’s crucial that the story evolves in a positive way, where you are the protagonist, not the other person who didn’t want you for whatever reason. By not repeating the old story, you’re subtly making way for a new one. You’re creating space for a different experience, for something else to happen.

Do you think we don’t make space because we’re afraid that nothing better will come along? That by making space, we risk inviting in something that doesn’t feel as good, because what could feel better than this idealized, fairy-tale love story we have about this person?

The Messiness of Real Life

I think there’s a sense that we’ve built it up too high; now nothing can compare. Also, there’s often an unwillingness to confront the messiness of real life. Real life can be disappointing and complicated. It doesn’t exist as this perfect story in our minds; it’s an ever-evolving thing that plays out in real time. A movie script is poignant and perfect; real life is messy. After a great conversation, in real life, you’re still standing at the kitchen counter, asking, “What do you want from Postmates?”

We underestimate how much just the familiar feels good to us. We crave the well-trodden path, even if it leaves us unhappy.

Embracing the Unexpected

Recently, we went to Los Olivos, a little wine region in California, after a hectic book launch. I had planned all these things, but our two favorite moments were the ones we didn’t plan.

One was when we stumbled upon a tasting room in town and had an amazing conversation with Robert, a super laid-back guy behind the counter. We were only meant to stay 20 minutes but ended up there for over an hour. The other was when we took a wrong turn on our bikes and stumbled upon a farm with donkeys and other animals. A woman there, who wasn’t open to the public, let us in to say hi to the animals for a few minutes. These moments were unplanned, and yet they were the highlights of our trip.

Applying This to Your Love Life

Imagine applying this idea to your love life. Who is the person you can’t get off your mind? They are your version of ambition as frozen desire. They are your plans, your wishes that are distracting you from a path you didn’t intend to take, but that could lead you to a love far more interesting and beautiful than the overly simplistic fairy tale you’re holding onto.

A Call to Action

Send us an email at [email protected]. We want to hear from people who have found a love completely different from the one they held onto for so long in their minds. And maybe from those who haven’t found it yet, but realize they are holding onto a story instead of living their real life. There are endless possibilities for love to come in a form other than the one they’ve been imagining for so long.

And for anyone listening who wants to join us in the newsletter, I’m writing a weekly letter where I talk about ideas, philosophies, and strategies to help people find love faster and improve their lives along the way. It’s called “The Three Relationships” because it focuses on our relationship with other people, ourselves, and life itself. Sign up for free at [the3relationships.com](http://the3relationships.com).

Thank you, Audrey, and thank you for listening, everybody. Until next time, be well and love life.

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This post was previously published on YouTube.

Blog → https://www.howtogettheguy.com/blog/ Facebook → https://facebook.com/CoachMatthewHussey Instagram → https://www.instagram.com/thematthewh… Twitter → https://twitter.com/matthewhussey ▼ Connect with Stephen ▼ Youtube → https://bit.ly/StephenHusseyYoutube Instagram → http://bit.ly/StephenHusseyIG

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