In the book author Mark Grayson describes the critical steps a man can take toward personal transformation, leading to a new masculine identity and the life of connection, meaning, and purpose that he desires. He explores seven key tenets that are conditioned into men from an early age, suggests actions men can take to reclaim aspects of our personalities that our culture devalues, and shows men how we might expand our identities as providers, warriors, and protectors to become nurturers, companions, seekers–and authentic men.
Getting Naked proposes a framework to help men make a transformative mental, emotional, and behavioral shift. Weaving together the latest academic research, stories of men who have navigated their own journeys toward a new masculinity, and perspectives gained from Grayson’s own path toward an expanded conception of masculinity, this book will help men experience the grace, power, and joy of being alive, connected, and unabashedly male.
We talked to Mark about the book and the future of masculinity:
Some say there’s a tension between vulnerability and strength that men struggle to reconcile. Your book makes it clear that this is a false tension: can you talk about how vulnerability is strength, and how that strength shows up in the journey to a more whole, male identity.
Rather than vulnerability, the words that I prefer to use when having this conversation is openness, transparency, accessibility, etc., because no man wants to appear vulnerable in public.
These qualities fly directly in the face of most notions of masculinity as well, because we believe that we must put on a mask to hide or protect our true identities from the harsh reality of the hyper-competitive world that we live in. If we are lucky, at some point we are forced to learn that we don’t always need to play by the rules of this self-limiting mindset, and that there is enormous power in showing up as who we truly are, instead of using the avatar that we have carefully constructed and pretend to be.
We have been trained to believe strength is a virtue to be prized above all others and that we need to put on our armor to do battle daily. I am often reminded of the power of getting naked when I think of the elite warriors among ancient Gauls and Picts who fought in the nude. According to classical historians, their terrifying display of utter confidence in the power of their own naked bodies inspired fear in others. In today’s world, if a man can strip himself of the need to dominate others, and be open, transparent, accessible, being naked can signal to others that you are in full possession of your own power and don’t need the mask to intermediate your interactions with others. And that you are willing to engage collaboratively to create solutions that are a win-win for all. There is a tremendous power in rolling through life in this way displaying a level of confidence that is magnetic.
As to the question of actual vulnerability, I view it, too, as a strength, if a man can ever get it up to power down in settings where strong relational skills are required. There is so much power in being able to reveal your authentic, emotional self, to share your weaknesses and concerns, to listen deeply and with curiosity to others, to being able to give and receive love. It takes “balls” to adopt this stance, as you know the whole time that you are at risk of experiencing some pain, suffering, injury by placing yourself in such an exposed position. The bonds that are created by open-hearted connection magnify our individual power, making each one of us a force to be reckoned with, not unlike the Gauls and Picts of the ancient world.
There is another reason for adopting a naked mindset. Maintaining an ontologically open position puts us in a space where we are more available to life’s possibilities. It enables us to use the full arsenal of our strengths (plural) to empower and lift others up without the need for recognition. This way of showing up as a man (or a woman) is in short supply today.
You write about men feeling detached from their bodies and intuition. What’s the missing piece there—the reconnection point?
This question connects two very different spheres of self-knowledge that need our attention as men. We live in a rational, secular age that teaches men not to access either our bodies or intuitions as a source of insight that might help us better perceive ourselves and our place in the world. Why?
Men are trained to treat their bodies as high-performance, output machines, not the sacred temples that traditionally women were taught to understand. This creates a level of detachment, objectification in our views of the body. As for intuition, because the scientific evidence that it even exists is scant, we don’t place much value or trust in it.
Yet for centuries, wisdom traditions have confirmed that both our bodies and our intuitive minds can be fonts of information if we train ourselves how to use them. It’s encouraging that these systems of thought are now being studied through a neuroscientific lens that is clarifying the positive impacts that both can have on our well-being.
In moments when a man starts to “wake up” to his emotional world, what tends to be the first fear he encounters—and what’s on the other side of that fear?
This question is key to understanding men.
We spend so much time and effort constructing a public identity that will perform well in our culture of masculinity. So, the overwhelming fear that arises when we men begin to reveal and express our authentic selves is ALL ABOUT being seen or recognized for who we truly are. It is truly terrifying.
Part of our fear is rooted in our own complex reasons for not wanting to share our own true Self, often involving a sense of shame that was instilled in us from an early age. Over time, this sense of shame grows and is joined by other inner demons or narratives that develop as we become adults. (I discuss this issue at length in Chapter 2: Strip Down of my book). Together, they keep us frozen in place.
Fortunately, what’s on the other side of the fear and the demons that we experience, if we dare to confront them, is a sense of liberation. There is an amazing feeling of joy in finally being seen and appreciated for who we truly are, and an exhilaration in being freed from dehumanizing constraints of our dominance-based culture of masculinity.
Over time, as a more authentic way of being a man that is aligned to who we truly are takes shape, we begin to experience the grace, power, and joy of being alive, connected, and unabashedly male.
If we zoom out to the cultural level, what do you see as the biggest forces right now that keep men silent, guarded and performing a version of themselves, a caricature almost, rather than inhabiting who they are?
Besides the fear of being seen, the other force that keeps men from making a shift is the legitimate fear of the repercussions inherent in doing so.
Man Box culture is a system of carrots and sticks that is perfectly set up to resist change. We know that stepping out of “the Box” poses tremendous risks in our professional lives, and therefore our financial well-being. Defying the edicts of the Man Box also jeopardizes our position in the hierarchy of men socially, with its own set of consequences, including ridicule and scorn.
I believe that there is now a significant group of men who are resolved in their determination to exit the Man Box, and we all know that there is strength in numbers. The more men step out of the Box, the faster this harmful culture will unravel. It’s going to be like the Berlin Wall. No one will see it coming, especially in these contentious times when rival factions of men are duking it out as to which model of masculinity will ultimately prevail. But the fact is that the “wall” is already coming down, and the current controversy is nothing but the death rattle of a culture of masculinity that is on the wane.
The book lands on a grounded approach to spirituality, not one that floats above life, but one that roots men deeper into it. How does spirituality intersect with emotional reconnection in a way that feels practical rather than abstract?
The book reflects my deeply held conviction that there is no separation between the spiritual and material world. So, taking it as a given that the interpenetration and interconnectedness of reality extends beyond time and space, I perceive our bodies, our minds, our emotions as vehicles for delving deeper and deeper into the mysteries of life.
Also, on a more prosaic level, as a man with a skeptical mind, I don’t actually believe anything until I can see it, touch it, feel it. So, for me, my understanding of a spiritual reality is based on what I experience in my body, heart, mind, in the here and now.
How must the current conversation around masculinity and identity evolve if we are to have a society that includes whole and connected men?
I think we need to stop perceiving the evolution in the roles that men and women occupy in our society as a power struggle and stop looking for villains in the reinvention that is occurring. Yes, of course, there is a legitimate reason for women and others who have been marginalized to be angry about the impact that our culture of masculinity has had on them, so some righteous indignation is in order here. But we can’t allow ourselves to get stuck there. And for sure, men need to take responsibility for the crisis that we have created, and we need to do everything in our power to resolve the problem. But it doesn’t do any good to vilify any group that is productively engaged in effecting systemic change here. Instead, what we need to do is pull ourselves together and try to create a path that protects the gains that women, LGBTQ groups, and others have made, while helping men to make a shift into a fuller expression of their humanity.
We also need to stop framing this discussion as a culture war as to whose views of men and women will prevail. Given the great diversity among us as human beings, it’s obvious that there is no one-size-fits-all solution to these questions. So, it’s totally unproductive to engage in any debate that attempts to pigeonhole people into unidimensional frameworks, the very caricatures that we are trying to flesh out into more fully formed models of what it looks like to be a 21st Century Men and Women.
I would also say that we need to stop mouthing off about what the problems and solutions are, as if nothing has been spoken about these issues up until this moment. We’ve heard plenty from well-intentioned pundits over the decades. What we need is to roll up our sleeves and get the job done.
Policy advances don’t work unless individuals step forward to model, elevate the behavior that needs to occur. That means it is vitally important that each one of us, man and woman, reject the cultural constraints that are holding us in check in this moment in time. We need to show up and demonstrate the changes that we are trying to create in a world where men and women thrive equally together.
And in the immortal words of Forrest Gump, “That’s all I have to say about that.”
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I hope that the book provides insights that advance the current conversation about what it means to be a 21st-century man. My deepest wish is that Getting Naked inspires generations of men to develop their innate capacities to engage with their wives, partners, children, colleagues, and friends in an open-hearted way that will enable them to experience the grace, power, and joy of being alive, connected, and unabashedly male. https://www.instagram.com/mark_grayson_/reel/DTi4I2xgdGq/
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Image courtesy of Mark Grayson
