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A buddy of mine and I got into a discussion about the use of the term “real men”. As I was sorting through taglines for a new podcast, he questioned my use of the term.
His stance is, and rightfully so, that we are all REAL MEN. Of course, we are—there is no FAKE man. If you happen to be one of those guys who argues that transgender men are fake men, then you’ll prove one of my points of about real men. Real men see all men—including transgender men—as men.
As we continued to banter back and forth, I realized, there are so many ways in which we don’t give ourselves or other men permission to be REAL MEN. We act as men out of the status quo expectations of how men are supposed to act. We sit on the comfy couch of what manhood supposedly represents. We lay dormant in acceptance of “It is what it is!”
We—you, me, and society—don’t give men permission to be REAL MEN that raise the bar, demanding more consciousness, mindfulness, empathy, and compassion. Even as I watched those thoughts pass through my mind’s eye, I started holding myself accountable.
- My REAL MAN needs to be more understanding of those I view as extremists and be the REAL MAN who brings us together to a common ground.
- My REAL MAN needs to open my heart with empathy to those it appears are incapable of being empathetic.
- My REAL MAN needs to listen, instead of tuning out someone who doesn’t agree with my point of view.
- My REAL MAN needs to give myself permission to be a real man that doesn’t shut down in the face of differences, and instead looks for opportunities to have a heartfelt dialogue.
For all the chaos on our planet, we often get distracted and forget to see the core of humanity, the heart of real men that still exists if we give ourselves permission to seek out goodness.
As I sat there in that conversation with my friend, I felt a numbness set in. A numbness that signaled to me that I could be more REAL. However, I defined that for myself:
- I could be a REAL MAN who stands up against misogyny.
- I could be a REAL MAN who invites dialogue rather than disagreement.
- I could be a REAL MAN who gets uncomfortable, rather than saying “It is what it is!”
- I could and am going to work even harder to be a REAL MAN – on my terms.
So, what is a “real man” to me?
- My REAL MAN forgives those who hurt me.
- My REAL MAN explores opposing thought.
- My REAL MAN takes stands even when it feels scary.
- MY REAL MAN doesn’t shut down and sit in silence because I oppose a different point of view.
- My REAL MAN knows I will fail at being a REAL MAN and will try, try, try again.
- My REAL MAN accepts that I am human and so is the rest of humanity, doing the best with what they’ve been given.
Sure, you can take the stance that what someone has been given is harmful, bigoted, racist, faith out of fear, hate for hate’s sake, misogynistic, and even extremist at its worst. All of these things are true and are played out in front of us daily in our own lives, on headline news, and across the globe on the world stage. Not making excuses. Yet, when we seek to change our perception, and accept that someone is doing is the best they know how to do given what they have been given, we suddenly become REAL HUMANS, REAL MEN.
Don’t get me wrong, bigotry is bigotry. Racism is racism. Homophobia is homophobia. Misogyny is misogyny. The list goes on. Yet the solution to being better humans, and REAL MEN, is our actions and to give ourselves permission to step forward and boldly say:
How I react as a REAL MAN in this situation, determines my impact on the world!
- A REAL MAN stops the cycles of bigotry, racism, hate, misogyny, extremism.
- A REAL MAN holds himself accountable for his actions.
- A REAL MAN uses his impact on society as a gift.
- A REAL MAN incites love, empathy, compassion.
- A REAL MAN asks, “Help me understand.”
Even as I write these words, I’m eating my own dog food and challenging myself to give myself permission to let my REAL MAN out of the closet. I’m scared. I’m excited. I’m unsure. I’m confused. Yet, most of all I’m invigorated by the possibility of how I will feel when I give myself permission to step further into what my REAL MAN is and how he can show up in the world for good.
For me, this starts with revisiting my values, then asking the question, “Who am I?” Follow up by exploring the impact I want to have, the non-negotiables that I want to live by, and finally the things I do not want to regret if I were to die at any given moment.
The one thing I know for sure: The REAL MAN was given the opportunity to have this human experience, and I’m not going to waste it pretending to be some form of a REAL MAN that isn’t me.
What about you? Does your REAL MAN need to be let out of his closet?
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