The two quote-driven pieces we did about Sh*t Guys Do and Screwing Up are among my favorite posts ever, and not just because Men of a Certain Age recently picked one of them up as a kind of anthem for the show.
How can you not laugh out loud when Andrew Sullivan told us his favorite guy ritual is “Taking a piss standing up with my arm leaning against the wall. Smoking a cigar. Growing my beard. Scratching my ass” or when Joe Mcginniss said his biggest mistake was “Marriage”? Or be touched by Michael Kamber who told us his favorite guy ritual is “Watching very tough soldiers say ‘I love you’ to one another before rolling outside the wire in Iraq”?
Men’s roles are changing. It is true that there are more women in the workplace, more women attending college, that more men are staying home to be dads, that 2.3 million men are in prison, that some 10 million boys are growing up without dads, that porn and the sex trade is exploding in significance, that most men are both more sensitive and more confused than their fathers were. And yet the conclusion drawn by many is that it’s the “End of Men.” That the never ending treadmill of celebrity scandals represents men at-large in some fundamental way.
Nothing could be further from the truth. It’s not the end of men at all. It’s the rebirth of men. As fathers, as husbands, as workers, as sons. There is no one path through the maze of modern masculinity. But real men are more nuanced, more complex, have more soul than any current media outlet would lead you to believe. Check these pieces, and the comments made by our readers, out and you will see.
Comments on Sh*t Guys Do
Riding my bike hard enough to crash but not hard enough to keep me off it. Fixing or building something with tools powerful enough to maim you. Spending a few sweaty naked hours with an enthusiastic and beloved woman. The smell of my children and the strength of their hugs. A David Lynch or Christopher Nolan film or a Neil Stephenson book. I also really love being doted on in very small ways by women who are not my wife making me a plate of dinner or making me a drink. Crying because I don’t have a father. It’s all part of being a man.
—Martin
As a female to male transsexual, I think about stuff like this all the time: I’m literally going through my teenage years as an adult (acne and squeaky voice at the age of 25!), and I have to figure out things more on my own than a biological male. I have two favorite rituals that come to mind. 1. I love practicing my Maury-style ‘You’re Not the Father’ victory dance. 2. Using the excuse ‘I’m gay’ to my female friends’ significant others to prevent them from getting jealous when my friends hang out with me. Though I’m not technically what they think of when they hear this, it’s not a lie, either. (I’m primarily attracted to men, with some exceptions, but I’m still not after my friends.)
—LEO
Mowing the lawn. And when it’s done, take a deep breath of air that smells of grass clippings, survey the results, mop my brow and enjoy a large glass of iced tea.
—LS
During the Jewish high holidays, before the person playing the Shofar blows each note, the congregation calls out the name of the sound (it’s not a jazzy call-and-response; the requested sounds are in a specific sequence). Throughout the year, when I’m alone and let out a truly excellent burp, I honor it by calling out the name of a nearly corresponding Shofar sound.
—R
I guess a guy thing I do and it bothers my wife is that I still tuck a paper napkin in my shirt collar during most meals. I am a good looking, athletic 32 year old guy and I am not a nerd. I grew up in a household where our strict military dad required us kids (4 boys) to protect our clothing during meal times by tucking a paper napkin around our necks. This was not optional and I guess I don’t trust myself eating spaghetti or other messy stuff without wearing a napkin bib. I don’t see what the big deal is. I would rather have any sauce or stains landing on the paper and not my shirt or my tie as I tend to buy expensive clothing.
—Tyler
Ripping down the hill from Santa Teresa on my bike and barreling out to Ipanema and back, as fast as I can go, listening to ’70s crap pop and ’80s punk rock on my MP3. No helmet. This really scares all the women in my life to no end, but it makes me feel terribly free.
—Thaddeus Blanchette
Comments on Screwing Up
ANGER…out of control, raw, devastating to my family.
—Jim Parkevich
My biggest mistakes always come from misjudging myself and allowing my own respite or insecurity effect my thinking. Then feeling starved, and allowing myself to get too emotional, over that which I feel like I can’t have, and then getting angry, and saying ‘f*** it’ and being an ass because I think it doesn’t matter anyway.
—Jason Gregory
Every time I’ve done something rotten; every wasted moment; every ruined relationship; every time I actively sabotaged my own dreams; all of these stemmed from believing that because I’m gay, the world’s hate meant that God hated me too, so I had better get with the program and hate myself.
—Rev. Matthew Smith
i’m in no way strong enough or smart enough to run this life by myself. even with the wisdom of those who have come before me, making it meaningful is inconceivable. what do i know of life? all i really know is what it feels like, and i can try to avoid those feelings of disappointment, failure, guilt, self-loathing all i want, but it’s just like running from some shadow. i’d like to run toward something. something that will give my life meaning, hope, purpose and value. i guess that’s what this idea of being a good man is about; leaving a mark and being a positive influence on those i live with. but i know there must be more to live for than rowing my boat around in circles, trying to avoid crashes. i can’t really help anyone unless i have an idea of where we should be going. that’s why i put stock in this whole Jesus/God theory. it answers all the questions and then some, and when i follow it things work out. good enough for now.
—David Josiah Harris
The question almost assumes we learn our lessons — even if they require a giggleZillion repetitions — and I’d say no, we don’t learn from them all. Maybe we grow a bit from them and undestand ourselves more and set ourselves up better for life’s next crossroads. I’d say my toughest lessons clump into a category of failing to trust my own gut instincts and ending up reasoning my way into an unhappy or an unwise choice. Not to go all Zen about it, but the lesson I’ve taken — or struggle to take away from those times — is to heed that inner sense as best you can. And if you blow it, be sure you forgive yourself, too.
—Doug Williams