Good Parents, in a Bad Marriage

I recently had a reader advise me on how unhappy parents staying in a marriage for the kids is not a great idea. How it would affect my daughter and how she can probably see how unhappy we are!

Here’s the thing though…We aren’t.

My husband, and I… are the perfect team. Team of parents.

As I type this, I hear them shooting baskets in the driveway. I can see them from my kitchen stool makeshift office, as lunch cooks and the dog plays with them.
It’s a perfectly happy Sunday afternoon.

Our daughter, who is a teenager now… is a great kid. She is everything a normal teenager would be, especially with the pandemic situation. We, as parents have been present.
We have a lot of fun as a family.

He is a very present, involved father and I am obviously the ever-present mother.
We have been struggling, and there have been horrid times in our marriage especially in 2019, but we have consciously made sure it never reflects onto her.

She is the center of our world…

We have a lot of extended families, here and in other parts of the world. Strangely enough, we are both very deeply connected to each other’s families, and very often talk to each other’s family members without the other knowing.

The trust and confidence on that front are unwavering. It helps that he is a great guy, son, son-in-law, and father. Heartbreaking that he couldn’t be a better husband, but I believe he didn’t try hard enough, coz he didn’t want to.

I would trust him to take care of my old folks when I am dead and buried. And I know he feels the same about me and his folks.

It’s like we have two parallel tracks in our marriage —

Family Time

Parents and their daughter, we have more fun than many. Of course, there is the constant bickering that comes with teenage parenting, and the occasional argument between him and me when we decide where to takeout food from.
We laugh, we crack jokes, we tease each other on our weird habits…sometimes he and I gang up on her, sometimes they gang up on me. It’s all there, a perfectly normal family…with a happy child and doting parents.

I am the main tutor for her i.e. Math, Science, English nerdy stuff, but he does help her in the social sciences and other things. We never contradict each other’s parenting decisions in front of her, we support, we coordinate, and it’s mostly a smooth sail.

Our parents are a world away, but coz of the current situation, video calls are frequent. We speak to both sets enthusiastically, and believe me when I say this, it is all genuine. My mom in law calls me more than she calls her son. There is no pretending there.
Siblings, cousins have visited us over these years and stayed with us. I doubt anyone saw anything wrong. Coz honestly on the surface, nothing is.

Family comes first, and we love our families…that is one commitment we feel deeply for, and neither of us wants to break it.

This is the track which runs primarily in our lives, on the surface, in public, as parents…

We are good parents.

Personal Time

Well, here….it all stops. There is no personal time, it ceased to exist years ago. I am sure he doesn’t know how my body looks like anymore, neither do I know nor want to know. And the heart, oh well…
He hasn’t shown any interest, I have tried and now I am pretty much done.

So behind closed doors, our marriage is a sham. We don’t touch, we don’t share affection. I did give him a head massage when he had a terrible headache last week, but that was pure friendship and concern.
If I am sick, he does do what he can but he still cannot bring himself to touch me with any affection whatsoever. Sex is taboo, no one talks or mentions it anymore. I used to go on and on about it like a broken record, like a fucking beggar but I guess even sad losers like me learn eventually.

We still sleep in the same bed, it’s a super king and there is an ocean space between us. That space used to scald my heart before, but now I wouldn’t want it any other way.

We tense up if sex scenes appear on TV, he goes back to his phone and I lap up the scene greedily. He absolutely disappears into the couch…lol. I am laughing as I type, inappropriate? Maybe, but am well past all that. Trust me, I have shed tears…and much much more.

So yeah this is the background track of our lives. The private one, kind of like silent theme music, eerie even.

We are in a bad marriage.

. . .

Bottom line is, no…. unhappy parents don’t need to mean unhappy children. As long as we know how to compartmentalize, and we know what our real priorities are.
So to all of us who stay in marriages, for the kids, and the families…I am an advocate. I believe every person should do what they think best. It could be a parenting marriage, staying together just for the kids, getting divorced, or whatever.

It’s a complicated shitshow indeed, but once you are neck-deep in the quicksand of marriage, children, and intertwined families there are only so many options you have, and it means having to prioritize.

And giving our child a happy, stable complete family life as she grows up is our main one.

. . .

The depth of the love of parents for their children cannot be measured. It is like no other relationship. It exceeds concern for life itself. The love of a parent for a child is continuous and transcends heartbreak and disappointment. — James E. Faust

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This post was previously published on Medium.

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