Grin and Bear It

During my first years in IT, I received a lesson in what it meant to “grin and bear it.” While starting work, I went over to have a chat with my direct manager. As we were talking  about today’s duties, a senior executive came over to us. He began to recall his weekend and then, the man addressed me and made a clumsy, yet racist joke. He and I looked at each other faces, studying how the joke landed and if there was any offense taken. My direct manager shook his head in disgust. Sensing the interaction was awkward and not getting better, the exec tried to say something else to lighten the mood, only to have attempt to fall flat. Finally, he retreated his office. My manager apologized, giving me the excuse of him being weird and not meaning to say something offensive. This would not be my first or last time of experiencing white people clumsily and lazy in their attempt to connect with me, but also me being asked to brush off racism.

During the British Academy Film and Television Awards or BAFTA’s, John Davidson, a man diagnosed with Tourette’s, shouted the N word at actors Michael B Jordan and Delroy Lindo while they were onstage to present an award. Davidson, a Tourette’s activist who was the subject of the movie “I Swear” was swiftly defended by host Alan Cumming, asking for “Understanding” about Davidson’s tic’s and “apologized if we offended you tonight.” People online immediately came to the defense of Davidson, stating “He cannot help what he says” “Davidson is disabled” and “We should have more compassion for people with mental illness.” Yet, very little of the outrage centered or was even concerned with Jordan, Lindo, and Black people at large.

Reading the apology of Cumming, Davidson, and his supporters, I was not surprised at the responses of the incident. There has and will always be an excuse for racism. Raise your hand if you have heard any one of these explanations for racist language and behavior:

I was scared

I have Dementia

I was young at the time and didn’t understand

I was stressed

I have Tourette’s

In every one of these examples, there is a reason and an implicit ask for compassion. The victim is asked to put themselves in their shoes. Your feelings and pain are an afterthought. You have to extend understanding, love, and grace to them. This center’s them, but hey, as long as they feel better and are educated. However, there is no concern for how this has affected Jordan and Lindo, other Black people in the audience, or those watching it. Seeing Jordan and Lindo, onstage having to “grin and bear it” as a white man, involuntarily or not, says the most vile word I or another Black man or woman has heard, breaks my heart. If they were to raise a stink about it (as they should have) then the two would have been viewed as the “Angry Black man.” So, for the sake of civility, the two actors swallow any rage and anger and proceed through the program. Absolutely sad; they deserved better than that.

The fallout of what happened at the BAFTA’s illustrates the expectation of Black people to forgive and have grace for white people. For years, when a Black man is killed by the police or the victim of a racist assault, someone from the media will ask the victim or their family members “Do you forgive this person that harmed you? Philando Castile, who was unarmed, was shot and killed by a Minnesota police officer 2016. A week after the shooting, his mother Valerie Castile was asked, “Do you forgive the man that killed your son?” While I am not trying to compare the killing of an unarmed Black man to two actors who were subjected to racial slurs, it shows a pattern – Black people always have to be the bigger person, to take the highroad, and see the good in a person, even if they have not shown it.

There is a belief that Black people can withstand pain, physical or emotional, better than white people. In “Medical Apartheid” by Harriet A. Washington, she documents how many white medical professionals believed African-American’s had a high threshold for pain and were immune to diseases such as malaria and could withstand heavy mental stress. Of course, this is hogwash, but we can see how folks would view Black men and women as strong and being able to brush off attacks like this. Racism is so normalized to us, we should be able to go about our day when a white man or woman calls us the N word. .” I thought about the iconic scene in the movie “Paid in Full.” Rico and Mitch, visiting Ace after he was shot, says to him casually, “N… get shot everyday B. You’ll be alright. You tough right?”

In my 47 years of living, by some miracle, I had never been called the N word. However, seeing other men who share the same skin tone as me being subjected to that racial abuse doesn’t hurt any less. What I have realized though, is White people know no bounds of asking Black people to forgive when it comes to their racial transgressions. I have fatigue in looking the other way when it comes to racism. I am sorry Davidson has Tourette’s and says things involuntarily, but what happen was a racist attack. At this point I have no sympathy for him.

I am out of compassion. My well has run dry. I cannot and will not “Grin and bear it.”

Hraybould on Wikimedia under CC License