Many heterosexual women are chronically dissatisfied with the level of emotional closeness they experience with their husbands. They may feel cared for physically and financially but are often frustrated in their attempts to persuade their husbands to be more emotionally open and intimate.
If they have a son, they are often determined to raise him to be a man who is more emotionally open than his dad, and in the process, often unconsciously recruit him into filling some of their own unmet emotional needs. As a result, many young men are raised to be very tuned into any sign that a woman is emotionally distressed and to feel responsible for keeping her happy. The problem is that all young men inevitably fail at this job because they are their mother’s son and not her partner. As these young men grow and take a partner of their own, it is natural for the motto of their childhood “If momma ain’t happy then nobody’s happy” to transform into the new mantra of their adult life “happy wife, happy life.”
Because of their early experience of failure with their mothers, young men often feel responsible for any emotional distress their partner’s experience, whether it has anything to do with them or not. Men often refer to women as “high maintenance” or “low maintenance,” with the unspoken assumption being that they are responsible for the maintenance, no matter what the cost. Any lingering signs of distress in their partners means they have failed again. This is a big part of the reason that men often hear any indication of distress in their partner as a problem to be solved, rather than as an invitation to connect emotionally.
Men often respond by offering heartfelt, well-intentioned “solutions” and then are baffled if not resentful when their partner tells them they are not listening. “Of course, I’m listening. How else could I have just told you what I think you should do?!”
Not surprisingly, the best way out of this bind for men is to learn how to be more comfortable talking about these issues with their partners. They are likely to learn a lot about what kind of love and support their partners really do want from them, and what kind of obligations they may have imagined that are not actually that important to their partners.
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Avrum G. Weiss, Ph.D. is a clinical psychologist who sees individuals and couples for psychotherapy online. Dr. Weiss is recognized nationally for his pioneering work on the process of change in individuals and organizations. He is the author of three books and hundreds of articles, published here on The Good Men Project, Psychology Today, and elsewhere.
Dr. Avrum Weiss is represented by LMB Agency, LLC, and is available for speaking engagements. Click to see his speaker sheet: https://bit.ly/AvrumWeissSpeaker
Connect with Dr. Avrum Weiss via his Author Page on Facebook and his private group on Facebook. This group, based on the thought-leadership presented in his newest book, is a place to discuss men's fears of women with an emphasis on male-female intimate relationships.
Finally, someone within a profession that may confer psychological analyses to these subjects rather than conjecture. Although, I may question a possible methodology of a gynocentric skew. Maybe even a bit of womenworsting.
If they have a son, they are often determined to raise him to be a man who is more emotionally open than his dad, and in the process, often unconsciously recruit him into filling some of their own unmet emotional needs. As a result, many young men are raised to be very tuned into any sign that a woman is emotionally distressed and to feel responsible for keeping her happy. The problem is that all young men inevitably fail at this job because they are their mother’s son and not her partner. As these young men grow and take a partner of their own, it is natural for the motto of their childhood “If momma ain’t happy then nobody’s happy” to transform into the new mantra of their adult life “happy wife, happy life.”
Finally, someone within a profession that may confer psychological analyses to these subjects rather than conjecture. Although, I may question a possible methodology of a gynocentric skew. Maybe even a bit of womenworsting.