Change is essential.
If we spend our entire time as the same person, with the same desires, hopes, and fears, how can we ever expect to improve any aspect of our lives?
However, change isn’t something you should be looking to make happen when diving head-first into a relationship.
Sure, there might be elements of your new partner you wish were different. They might have a few annoying habits you could do without. But totally erasing and rebuilding someone’s persona shouldn’t be anywhere near your to-do list.
If you think that level of change is needed right at the start, it’s probably best you look elsewhere.
However, if previous relationships have taught us anything, it’s that some former lovers suddenly see the light and proclaim their magical transformation as soon as things turn sour…
“I’ve changed! I promise!”
How many times have you heard this? And how many times did you think it was genuine?
I’m not saying change is impossible, and I’m not saying it’s always necessary. But when someone miraculously solves the riddles that were plaguing your relationship overnight, alarm bells should start ringing.
If someone waits until the last moment to change, what’s the point?
Let’s say you’re dealing with a few demons yourself. Anger problems, mood issues, and a generally unpleasant personality. All things you know you need to work on.
Then let’s say your partner decides to leave you after trying to deal with your problems for a number of years, while you continue to claim there’s nothing wrong.
But when your bags are packed and you’re out the door, that’s when reality sets in…
“I’ve gotta do something. I need to change my ways.”
Great. The epiphany you always needed has finally hit you. Congratulations.
But the real question is: Where was this epiphany several years earlier when you knew you were getting into something serious?
If you’d had any sense or pride, you would have at the very least attempted to work on your issues much earlier.
Leaving it until the show is all over isn’t a very good sign of your commitment to the relationship.
In short, if the revelation comes too late, it’s usually too late to do anything about it.
History isn’t on the side of those who claim to have changed
I have a friend who broke up with her significant other after they’d enjoyed a relatively happy five-year partnership. He had a lot of anger issues he simply couldn’t deal with like an adult. Ultimately, it was time to blow the final whistle.
Six weeks later, he turned up at her doorstep and she had to do a double-take when she answered the door; New hair, new clothes, a much cleaner, and more stable appearance. He looked good!
As you can imagine, the whole “I’ve changed” conversation kicked in. Sadly, she fell for it hook, line and sinker.
A month later and they were both back to square one — at each other’s throats, with things turning violent on occasion. And, yes, his anger certainly got the better of him once again.
The moral of the story? People can say they’ve changed for the better, but they rarely do. Again, it’s not impossible, just unlikely.
When in doubt, look to the history books and ask yourself whether it’s worth taking the risk.
The lies we tell ourselves are the biggest lies of all
Everybody lies.
The world wouldn’t function in the manner it does if we didn’t have the liberty to twist the truth every now and again.
Some lies can come from a good place — a misguided compliment, to avoid hurting someone’s feelings. But most lies are certainly of the deceptive kind. The ones we know will benefit only ourselves, and will in all likelihood end up causing harm or discomfort to another.
But what about the lies we tell ourselves? They can be the most difficult to decipher.
If we lie to ourselves, and actually believe the silliness we’ve conjured up in our own minds, how on earth can we expect anyone else to act accordingly around us?
Herein lies the danger of someone telling you they’ve changed — they might genuinely believe it, even if it is a lie.
They may tell themselves they’re different in order to give themselves the moral fortitude to try to rekindle a broken relationship.
They may weave this new self-story in order to cover their own miserable failings within their own mind. It’s the ultimate avoidance of problems and responsibility. Something which can be utterly toxic if left unattended.
If there are some demons you know need to be slain, but all you do is sweep them under the rug, eventually they’ll all crawl their way out at once and cause unspeakable torment to yourself and others.
The sad reality is that people who act this way aren’t all compulsive liars — they’re regular folks like you and me who are desperately clinging onto their last shred of happiness and will do absolutely anything to make themselves feel whole again. At the expense of those they claim to love.
Then again, there are always those who are fully conscious of the fact they’re conning those they claim to care for the most. These are the types of people who don’t deserve any pity or comfort.
They know what they’re doing is wrong. They know they’re not a suitable partner. Yet they choose to take the plunge anyway, knowing there’s a ninety-nine percent chance the misery they caused in the past will rear its ugly head again. Shame on them.
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We all have the capacity to change. But it rarely happens when we need it to, and it certainly seldom happens after a relationship has broken down.
Everyone has an indicator, or as a poker player may refer to it a “tell” in the relationship department. Things about you you’d rather not be seen, but that always seep through the cracks into the light. They’re not always too bad, but sometimes they’re terrible.
If a drastic change is necessary at the start of the relationship, how much of a herculean effort will be needed to make things right at the end?
Do I have faith in people who say they can change? Sure, some of them. I like to think I’m a good judge of character. But you can’t ignore the fact the odds aren’t in your favor.
If the offer to change comes too late, that’s exactly how it should be taken.
Too little, too late.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism | Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box | The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men |
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