You know that feeling when you first meet someone, when everything is new and all that matters is them?
Your romance is one big whirlwind, and through it all, you’re blissfully happy. You wish life could always be like this. The secret looks, the feeling that you’re on top of the world, the way life just seems so much more alive.
It’s an amazing feeling. Something to strive for; something to shout from the rooftops when you find.
But, inevitably, you get comfortable with that person. The feelings of euphoria aren’t as strong as they once were, and although you’re both still the same exact people, things are different.
…
Where did the passion go?
I used to think that passion was something to blush about. Something that happened behind closed doors, brought on by the heat of the moment.
But that’s not always what passion means. As the years have passed, I’ve found I can be passionate in a whole host of ways; ones that I never expected.
According to the dictionary, passion is defined as a strong and barely controllable emotion.
Does that only apply to intimacy? I don’t think so.
That’s one way passion can be felt, for sure, but I don’t want to just feel passion in the bedroom. I want to feel passionate about my husband in our daily lives.
I want to shout from the rooftops that he’s mine; someone no one else has a claim to. I want strong, barely controllable emotions about my relationship all the time. Not just at the beginning.
But what happens when you feel the passion is no longer there? When your emotions have dulled and become more controllable than they have any right to be?
Well, what was your relationship like at the beginning?
You had the high of new love, sure, but what else was different? Did you devote more time to your partner? Did you make sure you were at your most presentable — attractive and clean?
Did you hang on their every word? Give them your full attention, and treat them like they mattered more to you than anything else?
If someone else hit on you, I bet you didn’t give them the time of day. I bet you narrowed your romantic focus to that one person and treated them likewise.
So, on the flip side, what’s your relationship like now?
When you get comfortable with a person, you stop trying as hard. It’s easy to let little things slip, because you rationalize that you’ve got what you wanted.
So you stop putting on makeup; you stop doing things to make sure you’re at your best. Your partner may do the same, and before long, you think nothing of being exactly the way you were before you met them.
But what if you did those things when you first met?
Chances are, your relationship probably wouldn’t have had all that much passion. No one wants to attach themselves to someone who only showers every three days, and no one wants to kiss someone who hasn’t brushed their teeth and it’s lunchtime.
The problem is, when we get comfortable in our relationships and slip back into these old (and often gross) habits, it’s a major turn off. Making yourself presentable and attractive can be a lot of work, and sometimes we decide our partner will love us no matter what, so we don’t have to try as hard.
Then you go out in public, and your partner’s embarrassed. The person they once proudly displayed on their arm is gone, replaced by a complacent, I-already-snagged-my-man-so-why-bother shell of their former partner.
And really, can you blame them? Reverse it, and see how proud you are when you go out in public. See how much you want to claim your partner as your own, and see how much passion you feel for them.
Appearance aside, examine your relationship now compared to how it was at the beginning. Do you still hang on to their every word? Do you still spend all your free time with them?
Do you still treat them like they’re the most important person in the world to you?
The passion is not dead. It’s just waiting for you to find it again.
If you want passion back in your relationship, if you want to feel so strongly about your partner that you can barely contain it, there is a way.
Just treat them like you did when you first met.
Get dressed up for them. Make sure you’re at your best, even if they don’t do the same. Spend your free time with them, and make sure you listen.
Listen to what they say. What they need.
Listen to what your relationship is trying to tell you — that it needs to come first. That if you treat your partner like they mean the world to you, it’s only a matter of time before they do.
It’s only a matter of time before you can’t get enough of them again, before you’re shouting from the rooftops that they’re yours. Before you’re staring down every person who gives them a second glance and counting your lucky stars they chose you.
Because that, that is what love is all about. Not comfort, not companionship, passion.
—
This post was previously published on medium.com.
***
You may also like these posts on The Good Men Project:
White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism | Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box | The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men |
—
Photo credit: iStockPhoto.com